Ask Gadabout Jack

Battery Power

2010-07-31T09:09:00.002-04:00

Buying batteries is a rip off and it is time that the government gets involved in retailing of portable energy storage devices (PESDs). A recent poll by the Americans for Just Energy Supplies, a nonprofit group based in Wasilla, Alaska, sites anger and distrust of residents towards the sales and marketing of AA, AAA and D sized batteries. “It is a shame that the Obama administration has allowed Eveready and Duracell to monopolize the battery market at the expense of public safety,” said Todd Palin, the founder of the group. He added that, “When I am out drilling oil wells and riding my winter sled, I depend on reliable and inexpensive batteries for my iPod, flashlight and wireless keyboard to surf the Internet. With the rising costs of batteries, and runaway corporate greed seeking nothing but profits, I am forced to use smaller devices while practicing my trade. The government needs to act now and get involved before there is a revolution.”

The Obama administration has shown interest after reviewing the battery industry. In a statement released today by Press Secretary Robert Gibbs it was acknowledged that, “The president is confident that a takeover of the battery industry through fiscal stimulus, a new Battery Czar, and immigration reform was possible if republicans would get onboard.” He also added that, “The president would not rest until the matter was resolved.”

Notes from a Wise Man

2010-01-19T11:57:00.002-05:00

A wise man once said:

"Getting laid is not a big deal, but not getting laid is a VERY big deal."

Don't shoot the messenger!

It's William, to You

2009-12-16T14:05:00.004-05:00

William hated it when strangers called him “Bill.” He hated being called Bill more than he hated being called Buddy or Billy. Bill was too common and it was too absolutely ordinary for William’s taste. His grandfather would call him Bill, and he hated his grandfather. His grandfather was common. Grandpa Joe was a farmer, whose clothes smelled of animals and grease. Grandpa Joe gave William the creeps.

But William felt like a farmer now. He was in a field, anyway, and farms were fields. William stood in the remote and abandoned tobacco field, shovel in hand, starring at the fresh earth he had just toiled. He could smell the earth, and it smelled like shit. It smelled like Grandpa Joe, and that infuriated him. His blood pressure was rising again. He could feel his heart begin to race, and his already infuriated state doubled in intensity over a period of only a few seconds. “Fuck you, Joe,” he muttered as he threw the shovel blindly over his shoulder. “Fuck you, and all your redneck fucking friends and family.”

William didn’t know where he was exactly, but he did know where he was by the display on his GPS. He drove to this particular field by happenstance. He was off highway 313 in the middle of god-awful hillbilly farmland about an hour southwest of Richmond. The terrain was rugged, except for the occasional field cleared for farming. He was, he thought, in the middle of nowhere. His Italian suit and BMW contrasted with the scenic landscape, but didn’t notice the contrast. He only smelled the shit of the earth, and the shit on his shoes. He laughed at the pile of crap he had stepped in, and he laughed as he got to his car, unlaced his $300 Forzieri leather shoes and tossed them in the nearby drainage ditch. They landed peacefully next to an ancient and rusting one gallon gas can.

“That fucker will never call me Bill again,” William said as he slipped on his Nike tennis shoes. “Nope, as a matter of fact, he’ll never call anyone anything ever fucking again.”

William smiled as he drove home that late afternoon in November. It was a peaceful November and the leaves were ablaze in full color. He smiled as his GPS gave him verbal driving directions to his home in Norfolk. He even smiled at the service station cashier where he stopped to gas up and buy a fresh pack of Camel Lights. Smoking was so pleasant after hunting, he thought.

“Anything else, buddy” the Hindu looking clerk asked.

“Buddy? My name is William, and I’m not your fucking buddy. Nothing else, buddy.” William said as he smiled a toothy Wall Street grin.

The clerk looked stunned and shaken, and William enjoyed the power of the moment.

“Yes, sir, thank you, Mister Bill,” he respectfully replied as he bowed slightly to William.

William twitched slightly, and in that moment he could smell the stench of Grandpa Joe, shit and grease. William’s hunting trip would have to be extended.

Haiku

2009-12-15T14:59:00.002-05:00

I robbed this haiku....

haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator

Holiday Wishes

2009-12-14T10:29:00.003-05:00

Well, as the holiday season accelerates into high gear filled with parties, friends, gifts and family--It is important to back away from the madness and mania, and reflect on the opportunities this season brings to us all. Not in the way of dinners and drink, or reconnections with family and friends; but with the willingness of your heart to be with and assist those in need. Extend your hand with warmth to those in need, and expect nothing in return. Your reward is the blessing of humanity. Extend and give with warmth, and the rewards will be a better world.

As a boy, my father would tell me, “I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.” He would recite that to me when I would whine and complain. That pretty much sums it up!

Wise men see past words
Actions of goodwill prevail
Charity good works

Balloon Boy Admits "We Did This For The Show"

2009-10-18T10:02:00.001-04:00

Very strange, but they did achieve their mission objectives.

NYC and the Gadabout

2009-10-04T19:08:00.002-04:00

Quick note from the Gadabout. I am currently residing at East 52nd and 2nd in Manhattan, NY, preparing for my 1 month film school program. I have been drinking beer and watching football all day.

My apartment is spartan-like, and if I was not drinking beer all day I would have taken a photo of it and posted it. But I was drinking beer all day.

Airplanes are Cool--very cool!

2009-09-18T10:40:00.002-04:00

This is a video of Gadabout practicing short takeoffs and landings. That statement is a lie.

Cash for Clunkers [from the spam filters]

2009-09-14T10:16:00.003-04:00

Clunkers...Here are the numbers:

A vehicle at 15 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 800 gallons a year of gasoline.

A vehicle at 25 mpg and 12,000 miles per year uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average clunker transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

They claim 700,000 vehicles so that’s 224 million gallons / year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels of oil is about 1/4 of one days US consumption.

And, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $375 million dollars at $75/bbl.

So, we all contributed to spending $3 billion to save $375 million.

How good a deal was that???

Obamanomics at work, or is it the NEW math?

A True 9-11 Hero: A roommate story

2009-09-12T10:57:00.005-04:00

The "Roof"

Sally

9-11 heroes come in all sizes and shapes, ethnic backgrounds, ages and gender. My hero is a size zero, 5 foot 4 inch, female roommate with considerable spunk that often includes a healthy dose of in-your-face-itis. Yes, tiring at times, but selectively hysterical at others. Yesterday, on 09/11/09, Gadabout’s 107 pound roommate, Sally Hemp, demonstrated a level of tenacity and fearlessness not normally associated within the realm of roommates. Sally was a hero this past 9-11 and deserves recognition for her bravery, skill and remarkable goodwill.

This is a story of fearlessness, but I am getting ahead of myself, so allow me to start at the beginning. This beginning begins with rain and wind and a leaking roof. It is about a leaking roof that had leaked before, and had been repaired before. It was repaired four years ago after a nameless nor’easter had slammed Virginia Beach for days with high winds and rain. It was repaired at a cost of $150 (which seemed very inexpensive at the time because this roof is three stories high, and I would not personally climb a forty foot ladder and climb onto any three story roof for less than a cool grand).

Anyway, the roof appeared repaired and in good order until last week when the rains appeared. These were significant rains, but not hurricane force rains. It was just, well, just rain and wind. But it was a rain that formed a water spot on the ceiling of one of the upstairs bedrooms and also found its way down the hot water heater vent. Actually, it did more that drip down the water heater vent, it cascaded down the water heater vent. It cascaded on Labor Day, and labor would have to be preformed to maintain good order in Gadabout’s humble home.

It may not come as a surprise that the roofer that roofed the house in 2001, and had repaired the leak in 2005, had closed up shop and went out of business. This truth was discovered after dialing the roofer’s phone number and being told that the number was no longer in service. Drats! Well, this is the fun part, picking a service provider by simply pulling out the yellow pages and making a decision based upon a full page ad. Rather simple, really. Let fate guide and gentle you—surrender to the cosmos, let God provide, the infinite plan and all of that.

The roofer had the Christian “fish” symbol on the ad. Yes, we would let God determine the outcome. The plan was solidified. A roofer would arrive on Friday, 9-11, and Sally would meet said roofer and coordinate repairs while I was at the office providing for the family. At precisely 9:07 AM Sally called to notify me that Darrell had arrived from the “Christian” roofing company. Sometime around 10:00 AM, Sally called and informed me that the repairs would cost $1,970. “$1,970,” I gasped, “are you f#@king kidding me?

“No, I am not kidding you.”

Bruce, my cubical mate, had been listening in and suggested that a 10% military discount was deserved. “Ask for it,” he said staring at me, “just ask for it.”

I nodded and told Sally to ask for the seemingly unattainable 10%.

Sally negotiated and worked Darrell down to $1,850. I could hear the conversation in the background. “$1,850 is the best he’ll do,” she said adding, “I trust this guy.”

“Why do you trust this guy?”

“Well, I was up there looking at all the damage and there is a lot of work to do.”

“Wait, hold on, are you telling me YOU were on the roof?”

“Yes, it was exhilarating….”

The point is that Sally, 107 pound Sally, climbed three stories using a forty foot ladder and personally inspected and surveyed a damaged roof. She scaled a mountain that I would never consider conquering, and she thought nothing of it. Sally went above and beyond the call of roommate duty, and she saved me $120. Sally did this on 9-11. Sally is my personal 9-11 hero.

Once Upon a Time

2009-09-09T11:22:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me? The girl said, “NO!” After that the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf a lot, drank beer and scotch to excess, had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

Then one day he met another girl. This girl was wonderful in many ways. She had red curly hair, a great body with firm abs, a stable job and really nice parents. She was the total package. She was even more desirable than Amy Adams, which is a mighty high hurdle to clear. He loved and cherished her with the very essence of his heart and being. The intimacy shared between the two was deep, meaningful and sincere. His love for her was only seconded by the love she held for him.

In the end, he found another chick to treat like a rag doll and moved on to greener pastures.

The End

(A note from Gadabout: This short story was based upon spam email that intruded my mailbox. I simply stole the idea and used it as my own. The End)

Austin Powers Doctor Evil Talks About Himself

2009-08-29T15:48:00.001-04:00

An important aspect of American culture.

Show Off

2009-08-29T11:04:00.003-04:00

The authenticity of this video cannot be determined, but it is pretty cool.

Governments are Evil

2009-08-27T08:23:00.002-04:00

Simple Math

2009-08-25T15:21:00.003-04:00

Cyrus is a drug dealer who specializes is selling crack cocaine (substance A) to high school students. Cyrus usually sells his crack uncut to keep his clientele happy, but he is behind on his monthly Escalade payments and needs to collect additional capital as soon as possible. Because of these circumstances, he decides to cut substance A with substance B. By blending substances A and B, the resulting substance C in created. The resultant weight of substance C is 10 percent greater than substance A. If Cyrus makes a 50 percent return on investment selling substance A, what was his initial investment in substance A if substance C sells for $1000?

a) $1011
b) $909
c) $606
d) $667
e) $505

The correct answer, complete with mathematical proof, will earn the reader 1 Gold Star.

A Focus Group

2009-08-07T13:49:00.004-04:00

With all the contention over health care reform, cash for clunkers, and cap and trade; maybe it is time to sit back and take stock of our collective American blessings. There are blessings to feel blessed about and to prove it I have transcribed recordings of a focus group I organized. The group consisted of twelve individuals (4 liberals, 4 moderates, 4 conservatives, and Gadabout the Independent) and was held in a modest conference room at the local library.

Gadabout (I): Okay, let’s count our collective American blessings. Let’s talk about what is RIGHT with America.
Bruce (C): The 2nd Amendment. The right to bare arms!
Kimberly (L): Fuck you, Bruce, you pathetic hillbilly.
Bruce (C): [brandishes his 9mm] How about I shove this down your suck-hole, bitch! Then you can start counting your blessings!
Gadabout (I): Whoa, let’s put the weapons down and get back to business.
[Bruce reluctantly holsters his 9mm. Kimberly stops shaking and realizes she has peed her pants. Kimberly excuses herself.]
Kimberly (L): Fuck all of you people.
Charlie (C): Well, I feel blessed that we have a country were I can ride my motorcycle. Ride it clear across the fruited plains!
Lance (L): Fuck you, Charlie, you homophobe. You prick!
Charlie (C): What? I just like riding my bike. What is wrong with that?
Lance (L): It is an expression of excessive wealth, you fuck!
[Bruce produces his 9mm, and Lance faints and shit's himself]
Gadabout (I): FUCK!
Joe (C): Now that is funny! I fell blessed just being here and watching all of this go down.
Tiffany (L): You would feel blessed, you pompous prick. Lance had a tough life. He grew up with an overbearing father. You think it is funny that he just shit himself?
Joe (C): Well, yes. I find that hilarious, to be honest.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you, Joe. All you white middle class guys get all the breaks, and you have all the wealth. Fuck you.
Joe (C): Lance is a successful screen actor. He is worth millions.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you.
Dan (L): Yeah, fuck all of you...you fuck faces.
Gadabout (I): FUCK!

[The Moderates never had a chance to talk]

Short Skirt-Long Jacket

2009-07-05T22:00:00.004-04:00

Yes, I want a girl in a short skirt and a long jacket. Oh, and she should also be gifted with the ability to bake delicious cakes as well. Is this too much to ask? Amen, to you I say, amen.

Lego Darth Vader Canteen Incident

2009-06-29T13:16:00.001-04:00

This is most likely accurate.

Using it All

2009-06-25T08:17:00.001-04:00

Commuter Airline Safety

2009-06-18T12:36:00.006-04:00

The Continental Connection Flight 3407 that crashed near Buffalo has prompted the Senate to initiate changes in the commuter airline industry to improve safety. Gadabout wrote a piece that was published in Military.Com that addressed the inadequacy of pilot experience in the industry and it is reprinted below for reference. Your best bet in the never ending quest for survival when taking to the skies is to fly Southwest – an airline without a commuter partner.

Youngsters at the Controls:

Forecasts are grim for qualified pilots to fill empty cockpits for the airlines. A major shift in pilot hiring practices during the next 10 years is likely as newer technologies are incorporated into aircraft cockpits and as the military pilot production continues to decline and flatten.

In the past, seeking a career in aviation has always been influenced by timing. Hiring by the major airlines is usually cyclic. An applicant lucky enough to be hired at the beginning of a hiring cycle generally enjoys an uninterrupted career and takes home some serious dough. Those who come in on a downward cycle or hire on with a carrier that goes belly up risk personal and financial hardship.
But times are changing. There is a serious pilot shortage looming with age 60 mandatory retirement age limitations. Many pilots will be leaving over the next few years.

Until about 10 years ago the military supplied over half the pilots for the airline industry. Today, that number is about 35%, with the remainder coming from civilian universities, academies, and smaller flight schools. The military, as it continues to reshape its workforce and mission areas, has significantly reduced its aircraft inventories thus reducing the number of pilots required. Increased incentives (hard cash) offered to retain pilots has helped the military to keep qualified pilots, resulting in lowered initial pilot training demands.

Airline pay scales have been slashed during post 9-11 era industry turmoil, and military pilots have chosen to stay the course and enjoy the financial stability supplied by Uncle Sam. Since these pilots remain in the services until retirement, fewer of them seek aviation careers once they finally do walk out the door and hang up their uniforms for a last time. The age of these retirees range from 42-55 years, and after 20 to 30 years of active duty assignments, kids in college and a refined golf swing, the prospect of climbing into a cockpit as a first officer is not appealing. With anywhere from a $40,000 to $80,000 annual retirement income under their belt, why would our freshly retired pilot take a job starting out at the bottom of the food chain taking orders from some young punk captain? Most won’t, unless they possess a deep rooted desire stay in the air and don’t mind packing a suitcase and living on the road 15 or more days a month.

So where will the airlines find replacement pilots? Well, they reduce flight hour, experience, and educational requirements. No, they don’t mess with FAA minimum requirements for certification, but they are hiring pilots with surprisingly low flight hours and throwing them in the right seat of regional jets (RJs). You have flow in RJs, those cute smaller jets that are operated by airlines with “express” after their corporate logo.

“Regional” airlines have always represented a stepping stone for civilian trained pilots to hone skills and accrue flight hours before moving up to the majors (very much like professional baseball). Since major air carriers are under pressure to replace retiring pilots, the regional airlines have become bountiful harvest grounds. These fields are now over harvested, to the point where gleaning has begun, leaving smaller outfits with few choices for replacements.

Today, a young aspiring pilot, if trained in aircraft deemed desirable, might be hired on with as little as 500 flight hours. Ten years ago, 2,000 hours was required before consideration, and pilots had to pay for their own training (training that sometimes exceeding $10,000). I mentioned “training in aircraft deemed desirable” above and that is key to this discussion since civilian training aircraft are rapidly changing to support hungry industry demands. The regional hunger is for pilots that are proficient in aircraft cockpit designs that incorporate integrated multi-function displays and instrumentation. Airlines (and the military to some degree) no longer fly aircraft with dozens of dials, switches and levers. Today’s cockpits have been upgraded with high tech equipment with moving maps, advanced autopilots, integrated GPS and so forth (often referred to as Glass Cockpits) -- really fantastic stuff.

The problem is that many flight schools still operate older aircraft, and pilots trained using antiquated equipment are less desirable than those trained in newer aircraft that have converted over to “like” cockpit layouts used by airlines. The number of training aircraft with updated cockpits is accelerating to keep up with demands, but new aircraft are expensive. A glass cockpit Cessna C-172 sells for over $250,000 -- cost that’ll directly affect the price of flight training (per hour).

The solution for the industry is simple; hire glass cockpit trained pilots with fewer flight hours. This is all very well and good to fill empty cockpits, but there may be severe safety implications with these hiring practices. Ten years ago a traveler could take some comfort knowing that the two pilots sitting up front were fairly well trained and possessed broad experience levels. Not today. The pilot in the right seat could very well be the kid who bashed in your mailbox last year. The pilot in the left seat? He bashed in your mailbox three years ago. College degrees? They are desired, but not mandatory.
I’m not saying the airlines are wantonly jeopardizing flight safety. I’m just saying . .

Well, I told you so.

Amy Adams

2009-06-10T13:17:00.005-04:00

Gadabout recent shared dinner and a movie with actress Amy Adams. It was an icebreaker date after months of communicating by email and Skype. The couple met after Gadabout accidently strolled by her Washington DC townhouse several times while looking for the Metro station. One of Gadabout’s friends called Amy to chat about the relationship. The following is an excerpt of that phone conversation.

Amanda: Hi, Amy, this is Amanda, Jack’s friend and associate.
Amy: Hi, Jack told me so much about you.
Amanda: Really, what did he say?
Amy: You know, all the regular stuff.
Amanda: Hum. Well, how do you really feel about GJ?
Amy: Amanda, there is no other way to describe Jack except to say—dreamy.
Amanda: Dreamy? Are you sh%$ing me?
Amy: Hey, the guy is the total package. Slender, handsome, worldly; and most importantly, he knows how to treat a lady like a woman.
Amanda: Treat a lady like a woman?
Amy: Well, I think I’ll let your imagination do its work here.
Amanda: You don’t think he is rude, self-centered, self-absorbed, overweight, balding, and OLD?
Amy: Have you ever met someone that swept you off your feet? Would you not like to hang out with, say, Bill Murray? Have you ever dreamed about driving a 1959 Chevrolet Corvette? Have you never looked upon a sunrise and felt the hand of God at work?
Amanda: I don’t know what to say to that.

When Be The Recovery?

2009-06-08T13:17:00.000-04:00

The talking heads on CNBC have been making claims that the economy will soon be at an end. Hurray! That was easy, wasn’t it? Just toss some cash at the problem, buy up the private banking system and take over General Motors – presto, problem solved. What a great country we have. We are blessed, indeed.

The problem is that those talking heads are, for the most part, dependent on a recovery for their personal success. About half of the country has a vested stake in a recovery that includes higher retail sales, higher home prices and higher equity markets. The Halves and Haves, and have a great deal of depreciated wealth in their portfolios. These Halves are also part of the chaotic mixture of the Lefts and the Rights, sprinkled with a few in the middle. In this sense wealth transcends political boundaries and both groups have a lot riding on the hopes of a recovery, and both are wishing and praying that it manifests earlier than later. “Wish, wish, wish upon a star.”

The question, though, is whether or not projections and modeling techniques are viable indicators for this particular downturn. The recent “stress-test” applied to the banking system used unemployment data already proved deficient by the recently published 9.4% rate. Moreover, this does not appear to be a “normal” downturn. Normal in the sense that the government has taken unprecedented nationalism tactics to assuage ailing industries. Other differences include: rising interest rates on the heals of a near deflationary period; increased terror threats (we didn’t have that nagging booger in 1982); a rapid decline in our manufacturing base; a very real and healthy Green Movement affecting most aspects of public policy; multiple war fronts; a shrinking middle class; and a marginal line-up of summer movies.

Let’s all move to Wyoming and share in the wealth – maybe there is some mojo over there for the sharing!

For a Laugh

2009-06-06T08:32:00.004-04:00

So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him!"

Classic Barney

2009-03-26T09:31:00.001-04:00

It's Party Time

2009-02-27T07:49:00.002-05:00

WE GOT YOUR MONEY !

GONNA SPEND YOUR MONEY !

GONNA PRINT SOME MORE MONEY !

Christianity Redefined

2009-02-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

You are paying for his mistakes

2009-02-24T15:21:00.002-05:00

Well, you never know!

2009-02-22T17:03:00.002-05:00

Car Sales and the Future of Detroit

2009-02-10T10:01:00.004-05:00

So, nobody is buying new cars these days. Well, about 40 percent fewer consumers are buying new cars and trucks to be more precise. There are burgeoning lots filled to the brim with excess inventories scattered across the country, and not just with domestic models. All of the world’s automobile manufactures are feeling the pinch as consumers in both the east and west tighten purse-strings and turn down the thermostat.

For those who were born before 1970 (or thereabouts), this pull back in car buying is not new news. It has happened before and it will undoubtedly recur in periodic fashion in the future. Of course now it is all hype, depression and talk of an irreversible economic collapse. I think this is silly on several fronts. First off, look around with eyes open and ask yourself if you see a depression? Are there homeless people pounding on your door crying for potatoes? No, of course not. Secondly, how many people do you know that unwilling out of a job right now? Come on, bring it on! Next, being pragmatic, economies always recover. Look at Germany post WWI. If that economy came back after being decimated, they any positive and forward looking society can make a come from behind win and prevail.

Back to automobiles. Now, if people are not buying new, then that would indicate an aging fleet of cars in the US and around the globe. The population is still on the increase here and elsewhere, so that should indicate increasing demand over time. As the fleet ages, quality used cars will have to fill the void and as this demand increases it would naturally follow that prices would increase as well. Once a point is reached where the used inventory prices compete with new models, the new models will start to fly off the lots and into drivers’ hands. Where that point is exactly, I do not know – I’m just talking trends here. I would opine to say that that point is not that far off. Maybe it is this year, or as distant as spring 2010. Either way it is not far off in the future. Believe in Gadabout. Believe in the truth.

Find the Canadian!

2009-02-07T19:08:00.002-05:00

Important Safety Tip (IST)

2009-02-05T07:40:00.002-05:00

From the SPAM Filters

2009-02-03T08:59:00.004-05:00

What a difference!!

Jan. 21, 2009

Yesterday:

1. Outgoing President George W. Bush quietly boards his helicopter and
leaves for Texas, commenting only: "Today is not about me. Today is a
historical day for our nation and people."

Eight years ago yesterday:

1. Outgoing President Bill Clinton schedules two separate radio addresses
to the nation, and organizes a public farewell speech/ rally in downtown
Washington D.C. scheduled to directly conflict with incoming President
Bush's inauguration ceremony.

Yesterday:

2. President Bush leaves office without issuing a single Presidential
pardon, only granting a commutation of sentence to two former border patrol
agents convicted of shooting a convicted drug smuggler. He does not grant
any type of clemency to Scooter Libby or any other former political aide,
ally, or business partner.

Eight years ago yesterday:

2. President Clinton issues 140 pardons and several commutations of sentence
on his final day in office. Included in these are: billionaire financier,
convicted tax evader, and leading Democratic campaign contributor Marc Rich; Whitwater scandal figure Susan McDougal; Congressional Post Office Scandal figure and former Democratic Congressman Dan Rostenkowski; convicted bank fraud, sexual assault and child porn perpetrator and former Democratic Congressman Melvin Reynolds; and convicted drug felon Roger Clinton, the President's half-brother.

Yesterday:

3. The Bush daughters leave gift baskets in the White House bedrooms for the Obama daughters, containing flowers, candy, stuffed animals, DVD's and CD's, and heartfelt notes of encouragement and advice for the young girls on how to prepare for their new lives in the White House.

Eight years ago Yesterday:

3. Clinton and Gore staffers rip computer wires and electrical outlets from the White House walls, stuff piles of notebook papers into the White House toilets, systematically remove the letter "W" from every computer key-pad in the entire White House, and damage several thousand dollars worth of furniture in the White House master bedroom.

Headlines On This Date 4 Years Ago:

"Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops Die in
unarmored Humvees"

"Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times"

"Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, Ordinary Americans get
the shaft"

Headlines Today:

"Historic Obama Inauguration will cost only $170 million"

"Obama Spends $170 million on inauguration; America Needs A Big Party"

"Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate"

"Citibank executives contribute $8 million to Obama Inauguration"

Gadabout "On-Hold"

2009-01-30T09:23:00.003-05:00

While Gadabout is deep in his Graduate Studies he will be taking a break. He will still check email and post from time to time.

My Best,
Gadabout J Jack

From the SPAM Filters

2009-01-20T16:45:00.002-05:00

NINE WORDS (Phrases) WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That's okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you're welcome” that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What's wrong?”
For the woman's response refer to #3.

Number II

2009-01-02T10:09:00.002-05:00

Gadabout is on the cusp of committing to a new project. It is a special project that has the potential of bringing together men of varying faith, ethnicity, race and nationality. It revolves around the one, and only one, common bond that exists between all of us (men).

What I am addressing is the commonality of our eternal fascination with Number II. Stop those negative thoughts! This is a story of stories, from men across the globe that are ready, willing and able to share their personal best Number II experience. And let’s face it fellow dudes, we all have a favorite story or two about a Number II. Take a moment to reflect on your own personal past and relive THAT wonderful, intriguing and momentous achievement. It feels great just to recall that event…right?

This project will be tastefully assembled, professionally edited and will feature you (if you so decide to contribute). Imagine YOUR best Number II adventure documented for posterity. Imagine the pride swelling inside knowing that you have shared history with all men across the globe. Imagine reading a tale from a Taliban Terrorist, and discovering that you have something in common with a Jihadist! Number II has the potential of removing barriers and of building bridges.

Join our Number II team by sending your story to "number2book@gmail.com." Make a difference – save a life.

An Interview with Gadabout Jack

2008-12-26T17:54:00.011-05:00

File photo of Gadabout and Kate Winslet

It's Christmas time and Gadabout was hanging out with himself, so they took advantage of the opportunity and staged an impromptu interview. You are treated to this interview.

Gadabout Jack: Gadabout, it’s great that you could spare a few moments of your time for an interview.

Gadabout: My pleasure, Jack. Glad to be here.

Gadabout Jack: Well, it’s been quite a year. What’s your take on the state of the nation post election?

Gadabout: It really boils down to just a few fundamental value plays. The first is greed. Our Wall Street friends played the mega million game for far too long. $500 million compensation packages are unsustainable, promote dishonest business practices and further the divide between the haves and the have-nots. Even the middle class has lost a sense of hope, and when those in the middle deeply distrust corporate America we have some very real problems in this country.

Gadabout Jack: There are those who argue corporate compensation is just, and should be driven by free market economic forces.

Gadabout: Let’s not forget that the only free markets are the black markets. Our markets are not free; they are regulated, taxed, protected and manipulated. The point is that we throw about labels, such as free and open to promote an image of ideals that do not exist.

Gadabout Jack: I take it that you are implying that we are a socialist nation?

Gadabout: Absolutely. Look, we are a society of governmental programs. We tend to look past and ignore this aspect of governance when it affects our own personal lives. We are myopic and self centered. Altruism and philanthropy are dying, and are being replaced with bureaucracies and retirement programs. The billionaires are running abroad with their bounty – that or blowing their brains out from the anxiety of failing. Take Madoff, for instance. He represents the purest form of greed, and also the failure of our so called free market system. Ask yourself how many other Madoff’s, and those like him exist within our borders?

Gadabout Jack: I don’t want to think of it. The thought is chilling.

Gadabout: Well, you really cannot help to think of it because you are me.

Gadabout Jack: Quite true. We covered greed, what else?

Gadabout: Well, the next is power and control. The movie Mr. Smith goes to Washington warned us of the elite few who control our destinies. Blagojevich and the other cronies are only the tip of the iceberg. “Power corrupts absolutely.” You remember that.

Gadabout Jack: Absolutely.

Gadabout: Well, our markets failed, and the population distrusts American banking and business systems. Now that that has occurred, they are looking to Washington to level the playing field, and that promotes a higher degree of socialism in this country. It is a natural and necessary change. We’ve heard the old saying that “if you give a man (or woman) a fish you feed him for a day, but if you give him a fishing pole you feed him for life.” That all sounds good, but in modern societal structures you need a GPS, two way communications, licenses, a sound boat, safety equipment, fuel, matching 401K contributions, and countless other items to comply with regulations and associated costs. A simple fishing pole is no longer sufficient to feed and clothe for life. So the rich and middle class will be forced to share their wealth in order to sustain public safety.

Gadabout Jack: Public safety?

Gadabout: Yes, if the masses are unhappy and hungry, they will take what they want. This is referred to as crime, and the haves detest robbery and threats to their well being. So, the haves will pay, and be happy to do so. The middle class will be annoyed, but they will play along because they too will be feeding from the trough of governmental spending. They will design and build roadways, ugly automobiles, inefficient windmills and fighter planes. And let’s not forget “clean coal.”

Gadabout Jack: God bless clean coal. How about the upper classes?

Gadabout: Well, the super rich don’t really care. They have enough to weather any storm, can control the outcomes of elections, influence policy making, and create barriers to keep themselves isolated from the proletariat. They are happy to keep all of those below them drugged on Prozac, drunk in front of the HDTV watching football, driving a car and stuff fast food into their bellies. Simple, really. We’re talking John Galt stuff here.

Gadabout Jack: Who is John Galt?

An Exclusive Interview With The Sarah Palins

2008-12-23T13:10:00.004-05:00

Gadabout Interviews Sarah Palin’s Id, Ego and Superego:

Gadabout: So, Governor, the election is over and the ballots counted. You lost. How do you feel about that?

Sarah’s Id: First off, screw you, Gadabout. I feel like crap and all I can think about is beer, whiskey, sex, and moose hunting. I like the taste of blood and there will be plenty of blood in 2112. Note that, you little prick!

Sarah’s Ego: Well, let’s take another view of that. What Id was trying to say is that we, the conservatives in the country, will continue to fight the good fight. Take oil production in Alaska, for instance. Oil production and wildlife coexist in harmony here. Both interests are served equally, and this relationship can and should be used on a national level. We’ll push these legislative ideas forward in the future.

Sarah’s Superego: It is okay that we lost because I come from a good family where the lessons of right and wrong were strongly influenced by my parents. Let’s believe in the president-elect and support the winner of the contest.

Sarah’s Id: Pack sand you Superego bitch. I’m packing heat, and preparing for the fucking kill you little prissy….

Gadabout: Okay, let’s try and keep a little order here. You are all equals in the eyes…

Sarah’s Id: Up yours!

Sarah’s Ego: Hey, Id, like Gadabout said, let’s keep it under check!

Gadabout: Let’s start over. Governor, what are your short and intermediate personal goals in the years ahead?

Sarah’s Ego: Well, you know, my resume was a bit of a nagging anchor during the campaign, so I have decided to finish law school. The University of Alaska has an excellent program and I think I can dovetail both the executive office duties and school concurrently.

Sarah’s Id: What Ego really meant was that during the “inquisition” I was prosecuted by a bunch of self-centered, liberal Kool-aid drinking journalistic ass clown pricks. Yeah, I’ll finish law school and shove that diploma up Katie’s flat ass. That bitch will pay! …Take Caroline Kennedy, for instance. What kind of a resume does that skinny, bulimic, elitist, thumb sucking whore have? I’m waiting! Lock and Load!

Gadabout: Moving along, how about global warming?

Sarah’s Superego: All points of view should be given equal weight, and we should refrain from making harsh judgments. Critical, yes. Criticize, no.

Sarah’s Ego: Let’s take a look at the facts, and the preponderance of the literature supports that warming does exist, but that the causes are natural, not man made. A recent RAND study, published this past November, supports this claim. Solar activity, volcanoes, and dust storms are the likely causes of climate change. These changes are temporary…

Sarah’s Id: I cannot fucking stand listening to this crap. Have you looked out the window or turned on the news lately? The entire country is covered in fricking ice. Louisiana got hammered with eight inches of snow. Solar activity, my ass! And look, I’ve got a great ass!

Gadabout: Let’s talk international policy.

Sarah’s Id: I’m out of here. Like I said earlier, “Pack Sand.”

Sarah’s: Ego: Thank you for your time, Gadabout. Let’s talk again soon.

Sarah’s Superego: Please accept our sincerest apologies for any…

Sarah’s Id: I said we’re out of here, bitch!

Obama on Governor Blagojevich/Rahm Emanuel

2008-12-17T06:56:00.001-05:00

Here we go! Our very own Dictator!

Blagojevich Goes to Confession

2008-12-11T15:48:00.007-05:00

Governor Rod Blagojevich recently sought counsel with God to seek atonement for his actions related to corruption in filling the vacant Senate Seat left behind by President Elect Obama. Since the FBI had him and his surrounding environs wired, this conversation between the governor and his parish priest, Father Timothy, was recorded and transcribed verbatim. Gadabout, through his secret sources, secured the following official copy of this confidential document and willing shares it with his readers.

Not Releasable to the Public – For Official Use Only

Exhibit 78, Blagojevich, Governor, Illinois, Springfield, 9 Dec 08:

Blagojevich: Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been 34 years since my last confession.

Father Timothy: 34 years? What’s up with that?

Blagojevich: I’ve been busy, Father, very busy. I’m the Governor of this great state of Illinois, and it takes a real toll. How about cutting me some fucking slack, jerk-off!

Father Timothy: Son, there is no need for hostilities here in the house of…

Blagojevich: [interrupting] Can the peace and love crap, and let’s get down with some serious confessional shit. Like I said, I’m a busy man and have business to attend to. So keep the house of the Lord crap for the republican morons and the rest of your pathetic flock.

Father Timothy: [15 second pause] Fine. Okay, my son. Spill your guts.

Blagojevich: Well, I’ve been trying to make an honest buck – honestly – picking someone to fill that Obama mother-fucker’s vacant seat in the senate. I’ve lined up five choices and all of them can make me some serious cash, but my staff thinks I might be crossing some sort of moral line. I don’t think I have, but if I had, and I’m not implying that I have – knowingly or wittingly – and in no willing violation of state or federal statutes. All I’m talking about here is a kick ass, do nothing job for my wife, and an appointment for me: public or private. It’s all about retirement, Tim.

Father Timothy: Well, how do you FEEL about it?

Blagojevich: How do I feel about it? I’ll tell you how I fucking FEEL about it. I want YOU to bless me, and take away any fucking sins so that I can go out there and lead Illinois to greatness. I’m a leader, Tim, and leaders have to make tough decisions. So bless my ass, Tim, before I cap your ass!

Father Timothy: [silence]

Blagojevich: Knock, knock.

Father Timothy: Who’s there?

Blagojevich: Smith and Wesson 9mm, 10 round clip, and hollow point -- that's who.

Father Timothy: Bless you. Five Hail Mary’s and Five Our Father’s.

Blagojevich: Thought that might expedite matters. Later, dude.

Bailout Buzz

2008-12-11T09:02:00.003-05:00

From the SPAM filters. Click on image to make biggerer!

Lauren McKie's Short and Wonderful Office Christmas Party

2008-12-09T12:12:00.013-05:00

Lauren hated Christmas, but it wasn’t always this way for her. She loved Christmas as a child. She loved the hopes of Santa’s coming. She loved opening her gifts beneath the tree filled with ornaments. She loved it all. Now she hated it, like she hated most holidays these days. She hated much, including Brian, her ex-husband, who she caught in “the act” the day after Christmas five years ago. She caught them in her bed, and she remembers vividly the flailing of sheets, the deer in the headlights stare and humility of it all. “You fucker,” she said aloud at her desk, startling herself. No one heard, though, the office was empty. The office was empty because they were all at the office Christmas party at Marty’s Steakhouse, off 23rd and Colley. “You fucker,” she screamed. It felt good to scream.

Lauren looked at her watch. It was 6:55 PM and cocktail hour was officially starting in five minutes. She could drive there in less than twenty minutes and make a showing. She really wasn’t the bitch her coworkers believed and avoided every day. She would make it there and have a drink, maybe two, eat supper and leave early. A hit and run, Brian would say. Yes, she would make a hit and run, and show them that she, Lauren McKie, did indeed not have a stick shoved up her ass.

Lauren took a deep breath as she opened the door to Marty’s. As she stepped inside she immediately found herself surrounded by most of the staff with their spouses and friends. She was alone, of course, and she forced a smile at Matt from accounting who approached her before she could take her coat off.

“Lauren,” he said and smiled. “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“Thanks, Matt, you too.”

“How about a drink? Maybe a martini?”

“Sure, I’d like that, but not too big,” Lauren said and smiled.

Matt always thought Lauren was attractive, but she never seemed to warm up to him. He had always wanted to get into her pants, and maybe a few cocktails might loosen her up. Maybe. He admired her long slender legs and green eyes. Her tits were small, but perky. They would do. “Damn, she's attractive,” he whispered under his breath as he made his way to the bar.

“A double Absolute, dry with olive,” Matt told the bartender.

Lauren enjoyed the second martini as much as the first. It was dry and smooth and warmed her. She liked Matt’s company as well and wondered why they hadn’t met earlier. He was nice and sort of cute too, she thought.

Dinner time neared but the crowd's interest was still with drinking. Lauren had talked with Steve and his wife, Kim. Sako from marketing and his girlfriend, Emily, were engaging and interesting. Emily was chubby and Sako skinny, but they were cute nonetheless. Lauren was happy for the first time in a long time. Lauren accepted a third martini from Matt. Lauren was now officially drunk, and a drunk Lauren was a mean Lauren, or so Brian always told her.

Then Wesley joined the group. Wesley Stockton Harrison and his model perfect 5’-9” wife, Marie. Wesley had a prominent nose, wire rimmed glasses and closely trimmed salt and pepper hair. His hairline did not recede. Wesley Harrison was perfect. So very perfect, Lauren mused, the executive VP of finance, the Princeton Man, the man who was screwing the help. The help was there, of course. Tina was the help, and most everyone had some idea that something was amiss between the two. Tina was standing in the opposite corner of the bar under an ancient pendulum clock keeping a distant, but not subtle watch over matters. Tina was a bitch. Tina would have fucked Brian if she had known him. Lauren was driving over the line from being happy to being mean. Tina was a bitch, and Marie most likely had no clue that her darling and caring husband from a prominent family was screwing the help.

“So, Wesley,” Lauren said. She looked into his eyes.

Marie noticed the stare as being curious.

Wesley, somewhat confused replied, “What is that, Lauren?”

“So are you still screwing Tina, or have you found a new bimbo to fuck?”

“What the fuck?” Wesley retorted.

Marie stood in shock. Fat Emily dropped her drink. Skinny Sako kept his mouth shut and moved back half a step. Steve and Kim would not hear what was said next because both of them detested conflict. They walked away towards the bar. Tina sensed something wrong had just happened and moved closer. The clock above Tina stopped ticking for five seconds. The room turned cold.

Matt looked at Lauren and said, “Lauren?”

Wesley kept his dignity and asked patiently once again, “What the fuck are you implying, Ms McKie?”

Lauren swung to her left to face Mrs. Wesley Stockton Harrison, spilling half of her martini doing so.

“Marie, did you know that your husband has been romping about with Tina from sales? She is very cute. Have you met her?”

Lauren smiled. Marie started to cry.

Lauren showed the office, at the office Christmas party, that she was not a prude. Far from a prude, indeed. She was a self righteous, indignant and drunken pain in the ass -- but not a prude. Lauren discovered that an office party is akin to being at the office, and the office pays the bills at Christmas. Lauren learned that lesson at precisely 7:59 PM on December 10, 2008, at Marty’s Steakhouse, off the corner of 23rd and Colley. Lauren was asked to leave Harrison Investments, LLC, the following day. She was not there to receive notice in person.

Wesley was forgiven, as wealthy men often are. He still fucks Tina, but swears a renewed and everlasting fidelity to Marie.

Matt finally got laid.

Hit and Run -- a short story

2008-12-04T10:00:00.004-05:00

In a nondescript office a mid-level Federal Government bureaucrat scoffs at the US automakers while sitting in a cubicle sipping coffee and being productive at non productivity. He drives a Prius and is very proud of his life and of saving oil. The Prius was very expensive. He is green. His wife is green. His children will be green one day. He deeply believes that GM, Ford and Chrysler are backwards, inefficient and lazy. The UAW is lazy too and he holds them all in deep contempt. He has a Masters Degree. He holds himself in high regard. “They must pay, and pay dearly, for their ineptitude,” he whispers. He smiles.

In another office, somewhere nearby, a chubby man in his late thirties with a toothy smile and thin lips is preparing a document – a spreadsheet. He has an MBA from Harvard. He is trained at trimming fat. General Motors paid for his education, and that education cost plenty. General Motors had to trim fat, even within the ranks of thosse who are masters at trimming fat. So this man with the thin lips was released from the payroll and went without pay for many months until he found a Federal employment opportunity with the GAO. He had to move his family to DC and take a pay cut, but that was okay because he and his family are safe and fed and happy. He works very hard at his job, and is content at trimming fat. He is talented that way. He drives an SUV because it is safe and inexpensive. It was made by the UAW and General Motors.

Both men are Federal Bureaucrats now. The first has had a long career as one, and the second for only a few months. Bureaucrat Number One has been identified by bureaucrat Number Two as fat. Bureaucrat Number One’s position was eliminated by Number Two’s calculated research. Number One had to relocate to a very cold land known as Michigan to sit in another cubicle making less money, but he still gets to sip coffee while accruing years for retirement. Number One frowns. Number Two smiles wide with his thin lips.

Don't Melt Your Flesh

2008-11-27T08:53:00.002-05:00

Gadabout wishes everyone a safe Thanksgiving, and hopes that you don’t burn your house down or melt the flesh off your bones. By that I mean take great care when preparing your holiday feast, especially if planning on deep frying a turkey this year. Frying a turkey is extremely hazardous for reasons quite evident to me, but if you are an idiot then you might be in trouble.

If that there caldron of peanut oil you have simmering gets kicked over by one of your drunk friends or a moron child, and spills over someone’s feet you have an emergency room situation on your hands. That would be unfortunate. Burning flesh, police, hospitals and lawsuits are no way to enjoy the holidays.

A Letter From Rick Wagner

2008-11-25T16:09:00.005-05:00

Dear Gadabout Jack,
I am a severely depressed CEO of a major automobile manufacturing company based in Detroit, Michigan. You may have heard of it – General Motors. Does that ring a bell? Anyway, sales are in the crapper and we’re losing billions of dollars every month. There’s a very real chance that the balance sheet will turn eternally red and we’ll have to close our doors for good if we can’t figure out a way forward. Can you help?

Sincerely and respectfully,
Rick Wagner, Chairman and CEO, General Motors

Dear Rick,
Yep, I’ve heard of General Motors, and I think I can offer a few pointers to help. First off, yes, you have really screwed up since taking the reins of the most beloved publicly owned corporation in the USA. But that’s history, Rick, let’s move forward.

Let’s forget about your recent testimony on Capitol Hill where you made an ass out of yourself and disgraced your industry, your company and your integrity. I mean showing up in corporate jets and whining about current events isn’t really a leadership quality respected these days. As a matter of fact – it never has. Telling the world on public television that your $12.4 million salary was justified because you have a son in college didn’t exactly comfort those who are dealing with Wall Street deception, fraud and greed. You sucked, Rick. You really sucked. Well, let me give you some advice to deal with your woes. Take it or leave it. It’s your choice.

1. Cut your salary to no more than a U.S. Senator throughout the duration of the terms you are requesting from congress. They hold the purse strings, and if they can make it on $188,000 a year, then so can you. I’m sure you’ll be able to secure back door compensation, so why not give this symbolic gesture a go?

2. Propose a 5% cut in union and salary employee pay. The union guys are running scared and so is management, so let’s try that for the next two years to save jobs and promote security.

3. Limit production of fuel thirsty SUVs to a level that maintains efficiencies of established plants currently in operation. With limited supplies, the prices may actually stabilize. This will keep the green zealots happy for a while too.

4. Start building cars that Americans want to drive. Test-drive a few Hondas and Toyotas – they seem to have broken the code on customer satisfaction.

5. Use scare tactics to motivate congress. Close down all operations immediately. I mean close the doors and watch the mayhem. I’m brilliant!

6. Stop all support for nonprofit and not-for-profit organizations like Public Television. They slapped you in the face, so it’s time to bitch slap back. Let them suffer, Rick.

7. Double medical co-pays for all employees and retirees. Most of them are overweight slobs anyway!

8. Move your headquarters out of that God awful State of Michigan. Sell the Ren-Center, if you can find a buyer. Maybe Toyota? Pick a damn Red State, not a deep Blue liberal ass one.

9. Fire all the deadwood in your organization. People for the most part suck, and since your cars suck, fire the employees that make suck. Suck less, Rick.

It's up to you: demonstrate leadership, make personal sacrifices and lean into the wind. Beat the wind and succeed. Beat the odds. Be a hero. Or you can continue to be the elitist ass you always have been and fail greatly. Keep an eye on this blog, Rick, as I’m certain other readers will have suggestions for you. Hope this helped.
GJ

Taxation: A Metaphor

2008-11-20T09:40:00.002-05:00

From the Spam Filters

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free, but what about the other six men (the paying customers)? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested to be fair, reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of them was better off than before, and the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. “I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That's true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important -- they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! (The 10th man was originally paying $59 of $100, then $49 of $80)

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is becoming somewhat friendlier.

Pirates: A Solution

2008-11-19T09:37:00.003-05:00

Gadabout has been contemplating the increasing instances of piracy on the high seas off the horn of Africa, and what can be done by “normal” countries to stop this nonsense. I say normal as in the USA, UK, Spain; and not dirt countries like Saudi Arabia or Mexico. If you don’t like that definition of “normal” that is fine, but realize that you are not normal and have no grasp of reality, are likely a wiccan and believe that US automakers are sinister. If so, fact so. First rate nations have first rate militaries, first rate laws and first rate weapon systems that can be trusted by the civilian population. Read that to mean weapon systems for cruise ships and cargo ships in the hands of a clear thinking maritime captain. (less the crew of the Exxon Valdez – of course)

Let’s frame this problem in the context of “personal space.” People that routinely violate another’s personal space are psychopathic and annoying. Long ago, Gadabout developed a technique to combat violators of his personal space but simply stating, “You’re in my personal space,” to a psycho. I just wait patiently until they move away and comply with my demands. It works brilliantly. These pirates of my personal space will rot in eternal hell because God is on my side. God also likes pirates, to a degree. We see this through their popularity during Halloween, and the interest in Black Beard.

The point being made here is that those that violate personal sea-space do not willing listen to, or heed warnings from, a crew being taken over. They want bounty, plain and simple, and asking them to move clear of personal space does not work as a viable tactic. Now, for example, if someone were to violate your personal space and you immediately, and without warning, gave them a quick upper-cut to the jaw and knocked them silly, they most likely would not violate you ever again. Right?

So the answer, then, is to let maritime crews unload the power and might of high explosive weapons upon those that violate perimeters around a high value ship at sea. Sure, a few innocents would be destroyed, but that is a small price to pay. It’s all about firepower, my friends.

Art

2008-11-18T10:43:00.001-05:00

Isn't Art wonderful!

The Sequel Men Are Waiting For

2008-11-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Regret

2008-11-18T10:34:00.001-05:00

I bet she never ironed a guy's shirt...ever!

WTFO

2008-11-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Hey, I want one of those!

A Different Breed

2008-11-14T09:23:00.002-05:00

From the SPAM filters:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Gun Sales Explode

2008-11-10T08:43:00.002-05:00

Gadabout is not surprised that gun sales have skyrocketed since post election day. Why should any of us be surprised when both houses of Congress and the Presidency are now solidly in the hands of a single political party; a party that finds comfort in passing tighter gun control laws. So there you have it, the perfect storm of sorts, when all of those on the right, clinging to their guns and bibles, run over to Hank’s Gun and Pawn and buy out the entire inventory.

You have to dig deep to find journalistic coverage of this recent phenomenon, which is unusual because it is newsworthy. Most of the news articles are from hick red states like Kansas or Oklahoma, so it’s not important to the Birkenstock and tweed wearing left. Who cares about Kansas? Well, Gadabout is interested in trends nationwide and this has caught his attention. So much so that I visited a local gun to discover first hand and determine for myself, “what up?”

Well, the place was packed with buyers, not shoppers, buyers. After watching and taking notes I made it up to the front of the line and was shown several .40 caliber models. I had no idea how many manufacturers of guns were still in existence. I favored the Beretta – it just felt right in my hand – so I said, “Let’s do it.” I was taken away by the moment, and after filling out two pages of personal data and providing three pieces of identification I was walking out the door with a beautiful piece of Italian workmanship. The Italians are wonderful! It took a total 15 minutes to purchase and complete the deal. Repeat, 15 minutes. God bless Virginia!

So what does all of this mean for America? Okay, I have an opinion, and it goes like this; if a government wants to ruin an industry all that government has to do is tax it. This is not Gadabout spouting off – this is the way of macro economics, and there are many examples to support these claims. Remember the luxury taxes on boats and aircraft in the 1980’s? All the new congress and administration have to is tax guns and ammo at, let’s say, 200 percent. Yep, no restrictions to second amendment rights – right? I have to say that if I was faced with a whopping $1,200 tax on my recent overly emotional gun purchase I would have canned the idea. How about you? Gadabout may be on to something here.

A Cowboy

2008-09-30T09:19:00.002-04:00

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month, plus living expenses.”

Ghost Town – A Critical Movie Review of a Movie That Does Not Suck

2008-09-21T11:00:00.005-04:00

Gadabout hadn’t heard much about Ghost Town before its release – not even a preview. We are treated to at least five previews each and every time cough up $20 for a big screen visit, and since I’ve never viewed one I have to guess it is because it didn’t need one. Ghost Town stands on its own and will be acclaimed for its lasting impression of living and learning in our narcissistic 21st century.

The film strikes at the heart with the force of the Holy Sacraments, yet is overtly secular. There is no mention of God (well maybe just a little near the end and it was surprising to take it in), there are no churches, or high priests and certainly no Jesus. There may be an absence of religion on screen, but the power of something greater than individualism ignites your spirit.

Ricky Gervais (A Night at the Museum) and Greg Kinnear take us on journey of love, discovery and altruism that is frightfully believable despite the presence of ghostly beings living amongst us. Gervais plays Doctor Bertram Pincus, DDS, whose near death experience leaves him with the unfortunate ability to commune with the dead. He is an unlikeable character detested for his treatment of others. The screenplay might be simplistic, and liberties taken to form plot turns, but the story never leaves us in play or tease us as easy marks. You will laugh out loud at least 10 times and you won’t be embarrassed to do so. But beware that even the strongest will feel the pressure to resist tears. When a movie can toss our emotions at will, tell a story of faith and redemption, and motivate us to live better and richer lives – then that film is a success. Ghost Town is that movie.

The critics haven’t published quite yet, and if they come in at C+ don’t listen to those elitists with an agenda. Listen instead to Gadabout the Titan. And one final word: men should not see this film with other men because it is too dangerous to hold back a misty eye in front of another. Fathers MUST NOT bring their sons!

Barack Obama meets Thomas Merton

2008-09-13T09:48:00.003-04:00

“It is true, political problems are not solved by love and mercy. But the world of politics is not the only world, and unless political decisions rest on a foundation of something better and higher than politics, they can never do any real good for men. When a country has to be rebuilt after war, the passions and energies of war are no longer enough. There must be a new force, the power of love, the power of understanding and human compassion, the strength of selflessness and cooperation, and the creative dynamism of the will to live and to build, and the will to forgive. The will for reconciliation.” - From Introductions East & West. The Foreign Prefaces of Thomas Merton

“A Responsible, Phased Withdrawal
Barack Obama believes we must be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in. Immediately upon taking office, Obama will give his Secretary of Defense and military commanders a new mission in Iraq: ending the war. The removal of our troops will be responsible and phased, directed by military commanders on the ground and done in consultation with the Iraqi government. Military experts believe we can safely redeploy combat brigades from Iraq at a pace of 1 to 2 brigades a month that would remove them in 16 months. That would be the summer of 2010 – more than 7 years after the war began.

Under the Obama plan, a residual force will remain in Iraq and in the region to conduct targeted counter-terrorism missions against al Qaeda in Iraq and to protect American diplomatic and civilian personnel. He will not build permanent bases in Iraq, but will continue efforts to train and support the Iraqi security forces as long as Iraqi leaders move toward political reconciliation and away from sectarianism.” From Barack Obama’s Homepage

Gadabout Jack does not sense an auspicious beginning and lasting relationship for our world’s newest democracy in Candidate Obama’s plan for the future. It is harsh and stale, and lacking the awareness that matters of war and peace cannot be determined from the eyes of destruction then abandonment. Perhaps the strategy should be of continued support, rebuilding and of peace.

Palin is Unfit for Duty -- just ask a democrat

2008-09-06T10:03:00.002-04:00

News Flash -- Pelosi is unfit too!

Let me get this straight: Nancy Pelosi has five children and seven grand children and is considered fit and ready to lead the House of Representatives, but Sarah Palin is labeled a “freak” for abandoning maternal responsibilities? Really? Now that is interesting.

“For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Matthew 7:2

“Knowing it was out of envy that the chief priests had handed Jesus over to him.” – Mark 15:10

Gadabout believes it is about making judgments of others and envy that drive these sharp criticisms of VP Sarah Palin, and that those making these statements are surely going to hell. It is all about securing power for the left, regardless of Palin’s obvious popularity, that promotes such slander and ridicule. Seemingly neutral female individuals have found it quite comfortable to judge negatively based upon family values. Where are the feminists? If political party labels were redacted, would such vandalism of character continue? I think not. Unfortunately, Gadabout is but a mere male, and his words matter little in these matters of Devine Femininity.

Take heed that such negativism is not merely words; no, it is a sin and hell awaits.

The Greatest Play In Baseball - Rick Monday Saves U.S. Flag

2008-09-04T13:39:00.002-04:00

Gadabout was recently forwarded this video from a close friend and I would like to take this opportunity to address the often neglected and tainted concepts of patriotism, citizenship and allegiance to moral standards. If you are at the office reading this, then you most likely will be blocked from watching the YouTube video I’ve posted above. In that case, go up Gadabout at home and watch it. The video is of Chicago Cub’s center fielder, Rick Monday, as he rescues the American Flag while playing at Dodger Stadium from a couple of punks in 1976 trying to set it afire. It is a mostly forgotten incident, but every time I view the clip I feel that swell of patriotism from hidden reaches deep inside that reminds me and reinforces the importance of doing the right thing whenever and wherever circumstances dictate.

Like most everyday citizens, I have passed such opportunities and learned life’s lessons the hard way – by turning a blind eye, realizing a mistake and vowing to be a better person henceforth. By the time we reach our teens, most of us know the difference between right and wrong and formulate moral fiber by our actions as we move through life. In 1972, Rick Monday made the right decision, and in those few moments captured on film we are offered a lasting gift; a lesson on patriotism and of right and wrong.

Once you watch the Rick Monday video and feel the pride of country (if you don’t feel it, then you are a lost cause), reminisce of how you felt when you watched Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, last night at the RNC convention. It has been a while since I felt truly proud to be an American. (And Gadabout is a 25 year navy veteran). I bathed in the feeling. It was comforting. It was welcomed. I was not expecting it, but Sarah Palin, out of center field, inspired me to “Man-up” and be proud of our beloved country. Thank you, Ms Vice President.

Capoeira Fighter Isn't So Tough

2008-08-28T20:48:00.001-04:00

Well, he never listened to mum.

Wanderings Without a Cell Phone

2008-08-26T18:39:00.005-04:00

Canada: it is a large country north of the USA -- really!

Gadabout is battling withdrawal from his cell phone. I didn’t lose the phone, nor did I fail to plan cell details before trekking off on my most recent peregrination into the northern environs of Parry Sound, Ontario. No, I changed my service plan with Verizon well in advance, but after crossing the pitiful border onto Canadian soil the phone just F%$#ing quit working. The Network, My Network, the dude on TV and all of his pals dumped my ass at the border crossing and have not caught up yet. Cell phones suck. Verizon sucks.

Sure, I was searched at the boarder too. It seems that vacationing balding middle aged men poise a serious threat to national security. “Anything to declare?” asks the punk kid with a silly looking uniform. “No,” I reply. “Fine, pull over there,” as he points a pale finger at the inspection station, “and talk to them.” The little shit even simled.

This is Canada, the fifty-first State, our pals to the north. No cell phones, eh? No balding retired naval officers allowed, eh? But you’ll take my cash, right? Eh. Well at least the women are hot, and the beer is cold. Eh? I vote to make Canada a state of the US of A -- stuff might start working up here.

Dear Gadabout Jack -- Olympics

2008-08-20T14:08:00.004-04:00

Dear Gadabout Jack, I have a new idea for you to wax about:

Like many Americans, I found myself caught up in the Olympics for the first week. Now that the Michael Phelps show is over, I kind of feel like Tucker Max did when he was no longer the center of attention with his breathalyzer. I believe that what we need to do as a nation now is to collect a bunch of money, commission some artist, and produce a very large statue (Think Colossus) of Michael Phelps celebrating victory. Then in a gesture of friendship we need to deliver and install this statue in the middle of Beijing. It would eventually become the Chinese version of our statue of Liberty, only classier, because it's not French!
That's my 2 bits!

Sincerely and most respectfully,
Buzz Cut

Dear Buzz,
Your true genius is exceeded only by your articulate and enthusiastic imagination. Bravo to you and your originality. This “offering” to the Red Communists would succeed on many levels. First, how could they possibly not accept a gift from their favored investment company? They pretty much own us in the sense that we have leveraged our entire future on their filthy cash tainted by forced labor and polluting factories.

Hey, we’ll most likely have to manufacture the statue on Chinese soil because it will take an excessive amount of time to pull permits, secure safe materials, allow for woman and minority owned small businesses to bid on the government contract, etc. They make it, we pay for it, and they clear an insignificant village to erect and display it. We call that a “win-win.”

Maybe we could slip a bronze copy of Tucker’s book into Phelps' back pocket to confuse communist party leadership. “Who is Tucker Max?” they will chant in unison. So long as he is not a Founding Father, they might just let it pass.

Who is Tucker Max? Well, who is John Galt?

NTSB Aircraft Mishap Report – Pilot (John Edwards) Error, Aircraft Departed Controlled Flight and Impacted Terrain

2008-08-16T09:08:00.003-04:00

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” – Sir Walter Scott

It’s not really a news worthy event when a high profile politician is cornered for excessive liberties, nor is it unusual for such a wounded soul to pull out the deception tool for damage control. Ex Presidential hopeful and one time Senator from the Carolinas is human, and humans are not incapable of fault. What is news worthy is that Edwards, the hardened supporter of liberal causes, has seemed to crack under the pressures of his actions. Edwards was a favored child of the left and was trusted to assume the highest office of the land, and cracking under pressure is not allowed. Cracking is unacceptable.

President Clinton successfully navigated hostile waters during the Monica months by looking directly into cameras and challenging the world to a fist fight. You may not respect the man and his moral fiber, but you have to respect his ability to bluff at a high stakes poker table. Clinton showed strength. Not moral strength, but strength nonetheless. Edwards cracked.

Presidents are not allowed to crack. They become tarnished and marred, but they don’t break. Bush the 2nd is worn and battle torn and continues to stand tall. Presidents take risks and make decisions that are never accepted by all, and after years of decision making odds are that they’ll create ire with the broad population over time. Edwards’ behavior uncovers the nasty truth that he didn’t have “the right stuff” after all. That’s the rub – those who supported him are confronted with the reality that “they” were wrong all along. His followers were bamboozled, and that realization hurts. Ouch! They got a swift boat kick to the gut kind of an ouch.

John Edwards was a pretty good pilot, trained by the best and was given the keys to the finest aircraft ever built. He fearlessly taunted thunderstorms with skill and grace for years. He has landed limping aircraft on rough runways and always walked away sans a scratch – until today. Today, John Edwards lost control and the aircraft departed controlled flight and impacted the terrain. Cause of accident: Pilot Error.

Screw The Olympics

2008-08-11T19:47:00.004-04:00

Gadabout would like to address the Olympics, but first he needs to talk about himself. Currently, Gadabout is in sunny Winter Haven, Florida, flying the mighty Twin Bee multiengine amphibious aircraft of world fame. The photo above is of the actual aircraft being operated daily from the shores of Brown’s Seaplane Base. It takes commanding skills to safely and effectively fly one of these beauties, and Gadabout is excelling on all fronts. God gave us wings to fly. God gave us the gift of anger if we fail the check ride. Think about that.

Okay, the Olympics. All the usual medal counts and pageantry (expect those million or so drummers on opening night – Sort of scared the crap out of me!), but something seems to be missing. Cannot quite put a finger on it. It’s almost like every event I watch is a partial event. Like the end a swimming race that pops up on the news channel. And then there is the President patting everyone on the back, or talking smack about human rights. How about those prissy bikers wearing the black masks through the airport making a “statement.” What was that all about, anyway?

Long Jump -- Yawn!

We need new competitive venues for the games. Long Jump? Okay, that sucks. A dude runs as fast as he can and leaps forth into the fray of the sand pit. Pole vaulting is still cool because they utilize a medieval jousting rod and fling themselves into the heavens. Pole vaulting can stay, but the long jump can walk out the back door and we’ll kick it closed behind them.

The Olympics suck. We need gladiators kicking some serious ass using weapons and shields, who use pole-vaulting equipment to scale walls to proceed to the archery zone to pony up arrows to claim Chinese drummers. The reward? Not only do they receive a medal for surviving, they are offered a hottie gymnastic chick for the week to be used as a hero sees fit. Screw the Olympics.

The Hottest Robot Chicks

2008-08-02T10:12:00.011-04:00

Gadabout's favorite Android Chick...meet Rachael AKA Sean Young

After Gadabout finished watching Cherry 2000 on DVD a couple weeks back, he got to thinking about all the hot android chicks created throughout history and how cool it will be once civilization achieves full rate production of these beauties. If you haven’t seen Pamela Gridley (Model Cherry 2000) in her thought provoking role, then I recommend you stop by Blockbusters on the way home from the office and pick up a copy. No worries, God would approve.

Cherry 2000 AKA Pamela Gridley

Sean Young and Daryl Hannah played Rachael and Pris respectively on Blade Runner...Very Nice, indeed! Replicants Rule!

Pris AKA Daryl Hannah

The Stepford Wives had Katharine Ross in the 1975 version and Nicole Kidman in the 2004 remake. Hard to beat that line-up.

Katharine Ross AKA Stepford Wife

Nicole Kidman AKA upgraded Stepford Wive

Alice Krige played the Borg Queen in Star Trek: First Contact…Disturbing, yet there was something there.

Alice Krige AKA Borg Queen

Seven of Nine was a Borg played by the not unattractive Jeri Ryan and holds a special place in Gadabout’s heart – even if she is not a “true” robot.

Jeri Ryan AKA Seven of Nine

Anyway, the day will come where compliant and sexy Android Chicks will walk the face of the earth, created by sapient scientists, dedicated to the betterment of mankind.

Ghosts

2008-07-26T11:43:00.002-04:00

Gadabout’s curiosity with the paranormal realm was renewed last week after listening to two stories from friend. Neither involved an apparition, but both incidents were powerful and thought provoking. One involved the unaccounted lighting of candles, and the other was the discovery of a lost Saint Michael’s medal long after it was dropped into a lake. Both tales sent chills up my spine.

Gadabout has never witnessed an apparition of any sort in all his life, which he is aware of anyway. After watching the movie Sixth Sense, though, one starts to question what a ghost is and what is not. Hollywood fuels the fire with movie after movie, and TV episodes such as “Ghost Hunters.” It seems that WE WANT TO BELIEVE, but are disappointed with no proof positive evidence. There never seems to be a smoking gun. No “Ghost Buster” goblins or a spirit making an appearance on Oprah. America is anxious for answers! Is there a spiritual realm or not?

It seems that we can break down “instances” of paranormal activity into a few categories:

1. An Apparition. This means a visible ghost of any form. It is human like and is either translucent or solid in form. We’re talking about the good old fashion ghost here.

2. Invisible Spirit. Stuff like furniture is levitated or thrown around the room, voices are heard, or there is a sudden decrease in temperature.

3. The Unexplained Occurrence. This is similar to my friend’s story of two candles being lit. The lighting of these candles was not witnessed first hand, but when they were blown out the wicks were not burned.

4. Orbs of light. This is freaky!

5. Fragrances and Odors. People have reported that after the passing of a loved one, that a familiar perfume or scent is detected.

6. Energy pulses. This is when one experiences a rush of energy passing through their bodies.

Gadabout has experienced two “unexplained experiences” in his lifetime, and I am interested what YOU have encountered. Please vote to log the number of encounters you have (or have not) experienced. We need to know!

America Needs a Good Bitch Slapping

2008-07-19T10:44:00.003-04:00

That’s right, America, you need an old fashion slap around the kitchen before you finally wake up and smell the Starbucks. The last time Gadabout mouthed off to his Pops was when he was in ninth grade. It happened in the garage and the result of his disrespectful murmurs was a Jimmy Connors backhand to the temple. Gadabout learned his lesson, and learned it good. He learned to shut his pie-hole, act like an adult and show respect to others. I needed the “training.” I sucked, and learned to suck less.

Proudly mouthing off
Spit in America’s eye
“Hey, that back hand hurt!”

So, I believe it is high time America takes a bitch slap to the temple for some schooling. Tough schooling – street schooling. It’s time to elect Barack Obama President this Fall to immediately feel the pain of proper street education. It’s time to cheer and boast change, and mouth off to the traditions of prosperity and dignity. It’s time for a wake up call.

Like a school boy a day before summer vacation, I anticipate Barack and his cronies with open arms, while trying to control restless leg syndrome. I want to watch TV and witness first hand:

1. Crumbling infrastructure along the entire eastern seaboard.
2. $10 gas.
3. Israel torn apart by nuclear weapons.
4. A weaker dollar.
5. Higher taxes.
6. A disassembled military.
7. More Affirmative Action.
8. Iraq in chaos.
9. Inflation.
10. Terrorist attacks on American Soil.

We are told by talking heads on TV that too much blood has been shed overseas to protect America from a war of lies. Well, 4,000 + deaths is a tragedy – I won’t dispute that. But how about the 17,000 murders a year in the good old US of A? What about the 92,000 rapes? How about the 1,000 deaths every year on Virginia roadways? Where is the outrage? Playing the blood card is a nasty card to play. All you metrosexuals and pandering cry babies can take your “Blood War” card, find a quiet place in the house and ram it firmly up your behind. Yep, we need a good bitch slap.

SNL Clinton vs. Obama - There Can Only Be One

2008-05-19T10:22:00.001-04:00

Turn Off the Heat! VERY Funny

2008-05-16T12:48:00.001-04:00

For those of you who have been flight instructors; sit back and enjoy!

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T14:45:00.001-04:00

Roger Ramjet: Dumb Waiters

2008-05-08T10:19:00.001-04:00

Yes, Gadabout was brain washed as a youth, watching shows like Roger Ramjet – but it was great fun. Ah, that was the life! Just kicking back with a bowl of Frosted Flakes, a pet cat to kick around and the television to keep me company was the daily routine.

Immigration Solutions – Gator Bait

2008-04-27T11:10:00.002-04:00

Round up those critters and let’s solve the illegal Mexican immigration problem. That’s the solution posited by Gadabout’s neighbor’s sister. Take all those pesky gators inhabiting Florida that mess with golfers and small pets, and send them off to the Rio Grande. Who needs a wall when you got gators? Got gator?

Unfortunately, Gadabout is a pacifist and cannot endorse such a program despite its obvious flare and potential popularity. Nope, can’t do it. I can’t because I have another idea. An idea seeped in established theory and knowledge, and still incorporates aquatic life forms. Sorry, gator, no tacos for dinner tonight!

Let’s bring in a few thousand dolphins and set them free. Dolphins would populate the Rio Grande and swim with style and grace, calling like Sirens to drunken sailors, and swooning the masses with their laughter and play. Picture all those Mexicans mesmerized by our pals the dolphins, not wanting to cross to the other side. The border patrol will simply cast their nets and pull them to shore for orderly deportation. It would be like Disney World on steroids!

Gadabout's Green Sack

2008-04-25T14:22:00.004-04:00

It is of no surprise that Gadabout was Green before Green was cool. And it certainly should not be a surprise that he is guided by an enduring spirit dedicated to finding fresh avenues for sensible conservation and the elimination of waste. Yes, while all the soccer moms and defeated sissy-boy professionals with no sack are driving Toyota Priuses, I have been silently championing a green agenda.

The motivation for conservation is simple enough; chicks dig it, it saves cash and God is a big supporter. Chicks desire guys who are green because they see a man who can be manipulated into a flawless marble sculpture in their own likeness. Yes, even the penis will be removed. These are quick strike opportunities for men, and the requirement for a timely egress must be continuously assessed.

Conservation saves cash. I’m not talking about paying $30,000 on a sissy-mobile. No! I’m talking about keeping that SUV in top running condition, and reducing the miles driven. You need a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack of beer? Well, take a walk to the 7-11 and take in the fresh air. You’ll walk off the calories and save gas to boot.

Conservation is NOT driving a Prius and living in a 4,000 square foot mini-mansion that has to be heated and cooled. It is not flying to Hawaii and staying at a “Green” hotel either. This is green-hypocrisy, which leads to the discussion of God.

God frowns upon Prius drivers who secretly waste valuable energy supplies while building up green-egos that latch onto and falsely identify with pseudo-conservation entities. This act of deception to the self and society is labeled as a sin by Jesus himself.

When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, "Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." John 6:12

Now, Gadabout is not without sin, but he is climbing that lonely trail to salvation one awkward step at a time. And the current step upon that trail is “green grocery bags.” That’s right, going green by utilizing reusable bags so as to limit waste and conserve energy. Oh, how John would have been proud! Right now, in the heavens above the Titans and the Olympians – the good Lord and all the angles and saints are smiling upon the actions of Gadabout and others who use reusable grocery bags.

Our motto: We have Sack!

Say no to drugs

2008-04-20T14:27:00.001-04:00

What was she thinking in the first place?

Conservative Talk Radio Listener Profile

2008-04-08T09:04:00.002-04:00

Gadabout believes that the success of talk radio (Rush and the like) is due to many middle class listeners believing that they are wealthier than they actually are. That is to say that the broad audience (who would be better off financially with higher taxes on the richest Americans) of such programs are unaware of financial entrenchment in the heart of the middle class. These listeners mistakenly side with wealthy Americans because of values and belief systems that denounce tax increases and incremental governmental growth. They appear to side with upper class simply on the basis of opposing ANY increase in taxation, even if it does not positively affect them as a group.

Take Social Security as an example. Social Security tax limits for 2008 have increased from $97,500 to $102,000. Workers making less than $102,000 are taxed at 15.3% (7.65% paid by the individual and another 7.65% paid by the employer). If you made exactly $102,000 the federal government would receive $15,606. Okay, how about if you made $204,000 (twice as much as the lowly $102,000 earner)? Well, the government receives $15,606, the exact same amount! Earn $1,000,000,000,000 a year and you pay the same amount: $15,606.

The federal income rates show similar trends. The middle bracket ranges between $77,000 and $160,000 and is anchored around 28%. Two higher brackets exist above $160,000 and $350,000, and top out at 35%. Yes, higher brackets exist, but they are offset by surprising low Social Security limits.

Who listens to Talk Radio? Well, I am going to guess that the majority is in the 28% tax bracket and don’t exceed the $102,000 Social Security limit. This group has been duped into believing that they are part of the highest classes in America, and that any increases in taxation would severely and negatively impact their little world. That’s my cut on it, anyway

Hey, China – Light My Fire

2008-04-07T10:09:00.003-04:00

China, the land of sneaky shoe makers and all play things painted with lead, is under fire again by those opposed to their human rights record. It seems the best way to lift the tides of humanity is to beat up innocent Olympians carrying a rather large Zippo cigarette lighter. The French, God love them, love protests as much as they love Love. Very cozy and very caring. Cozy because all the protestors are wearing Nike sneakers to protect their feet from the cold and rain. And Caring because beating up cops and innocents is a firm affirmation of care giving.

Okay, here is the big deal-e-o regarding China. China is a power house and will most likely take over the world within the next 100 years. All of this will occur while the socialistic western societies crumble under a wave of debt being held by the all powerful mega economy of China. Americans and Europeans (let’s include the world excluding Muslim nations and Switzerland) will busy themselves with porn, alcohol and college sporting events while street signs are silently translated to Chinese dialects. “Crap, Ohio State lost another championship game!”

Here is Gadabout’s advice to the world: Let’s play hardball with Evil China before Nike factories are relocated to Detroit. The Olympics in China is a good thing because it diverts their attention from producing to PLAYING games. The sooner we successfully introduce sex, drugs, alcohol and college sporting events in Beijing, the sooner Chinese workers will miss work and become defiant. It’s really that simple. Light the fires and let the games begin!

Bill Murray - Kill Golfers

2008-04-06T12:48:00.001-04:00

Hey, Golf season is upon us!

We think Recession, therefore we are in Recession

2008-04-05T14:51:00.004-04:00

Rene Descartes, the French philosopher and great thinker (pictured above), had a Gadabout moment several hundred years ago: “I think, therefore I am.” Okay, sounds cool, so let’s switch the words around to conform to Gadabout’s theory that since we all believe that the economy really sucks, then we must be experiencing a deep recession – right? Screw that. I don’t buy into this fear mongering and neither should you.

Did I just hear you say “sub-prime crisis?” Fine, then. Let me ask you when you missed your last mortgage payment? Never? Oh, my. Okay, how many of your family members are in default? None? Oh, my. My point is that there are many leaving houses behind and defaulting, but that number is not for the average American homeowner. These defaults are from lackey investors and people who were too stupid to understand harsh economic realities. Sure, there are most likely those out there that hit a rough patch and were blindsided by the unfortunate lose of a job, a disability, or some other personal set back. These things happen in life. Gadabout is not blind to the fact that there are people out there on their asses. They are the poor, and we do need the poor.

Picture of REAL poor people

We need poor people around so that we can feel good helping them up. That’s why we have organizations around like Habitat for Humanity, Community Colleges, and Congress. Churches like to give money to the needy too, but donorship from the Catholic church has been diverted of late to take care of a few nagging legal issues. Anyway, without the poor we would be a lost community, steering without a compass. Poor people create balance, stability and direction to our great nation.

Points to ponder regarding your personal recession ordeal:

1. Has anyone stolen the tires off your car lately? During a recession, crime increases.
2. Have you dinned out in the past 10 days? During a recession, people cut back on expenses.
3. Have you missed a meal due to having no food in the house?
4. Do your children receive an allowance for doing nothing?
5. Have you paid a Veterinarian to care for a pet?
6. Have you been sick and not been able to see a physician?
7. Has you car been repossessed?
8. Have you removed alcohol and tobacco from your lifestyle to pay for food?
9. Do you glean food from a dumpster behind McDonalds?
10. Have you eaten dog food?

I think, therefore I am? Now that's some deep stuff!

Kissimmee Expedition, 2008

2008-04-05T13:31:00.004-04:00

Gadabout's 2003 Chevrolet Trailblazer performed flawlessly during the expedition

Gadabout takes pride in the PA-34-200 twin engine Piper Seneca that kept him safe during the rigors of flight training

Gadabout completed his expedition to Kissimmee, Florida, on 1 April, 2008. After successfully demonstrating his knowledge of multi-engine instruction, and passing the practical flight test with Larry Thomas (FAA Designated Examiner), Gadabout received his multi-engine instructor (MEI) certificate. Some of you close to Gadabout know that he was scheduled to pursue a multi-engine sea certificate. Well, I blew that off after going over budget and tiring from sleeping in a crack house/meth lab, also known as a Super 8 hotel located off of highway 192 in the heart of Kissimmee.

I had every intention of keeping my beloved readership up to date on a daily basis, but the rigors of flight training (and watching movies at night) prevented such updates. Fear not, I am back in form and shall keep you abreast of the myths and lies that confront us each and every day.

Doctor Evil Goodwrench

2008-03-17T09:48:00.003-04:00

Gadabout is sitting at the local Chevrolet dealership waiting for his 2003 Trailblazer to be serviced. A journey that began as a planned round of routine maintenance to replace the full Monty of fluids, has turned into a trip to the horror flick to watch Freddy slice up and burn Jason. The worst part of it all is that I brought my car into meet Mr Goodwrench on what I thought gentle terms – preventive. To Gadabout, preventive is akin to kindness, love and care. As it turns out, preventive to Mr Goodwrench means a root cannel and two crowns. Mr Goodwrench, as it turns out, is a Dentist; and his house is a house of pain.

It seems I have a leaky axel seal and dirty throttle plate, in addition to needing all the fluids replaced (so I’m told). The grand total comes to just short of $1,300 USD. I guess the most appropriate statement I can make is, “Let them eat cake.” If it's required to keep my motor vehicle motoring safely, then so be it. Sure, I could do the work myself and get my hands dirty for the day, but where would I find time to write to all of you about my experience with Dr Good “Evil” Wrench. Think about that for a moment or two.

Oh, and before I forget, as I was hitting on the maintenance lady, she caved in to my flirtations and slipped me a 10% off coupon. I feel like a blond chick flashing a toothy smile to a cop and given a warning to slow down. Jesus, I love this country!

Ben Stein's Expelled

2008-03-16T13:01:00.001-04:00

Interesting!

Dr. Randy Pausch - from Oprah

2008-03-12T19:19:00.001-04:00

Important perspective on life.

Dolphins Represent Peace, Trust and Harmony

2008-03-10T10:02:00.007-04:00

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Actual dolphin statue located in Springfield, Va. (photo by Sage)

Dedication below dolphin statue

Women flock to the Shell Service Station in Springfield, VA., because of the trust engendered by the "Dolphin" effect sweeping the globe. Dolphins represent good automobile service to many in the area. Hell, I'd even go there. I'm buying in on the wave too!

Keep a keen eye and send dolphin sighting and news to Gadabout. This is cutting edge stuff.

Ask Gadabout Jack -- Elevators

2008-03-06T07:57:00.003-05:00

Dear Gadabout,
I was having some random thoughts during my 30 second ride in the [location omitted by Gadabout] elevator this morning. Why are people so grumpy in the elevator? I mean seriously...We know you don't want to be at work anymore than we do, but you could at least be courteous and kind in the morning. A bunch of aging people standing in a confined space, wishing the electricity would go out in the entire building...or a massive snow storm would hit...so that we could have an excuse to leave the building for the day. I feel the need to say hello to people in the elevator that I've worked with in the past, when really I could give a crap. I wouldn't even notice if they had passed away unless I read it in the obituaries -- ya know? Isn't that awful? But it's the truth. It’s not like you 'really' know them -- ya know? I don't even remember some of their names honestly...but I act like I do when I say hello to them.

Its so fake...this 'work world' we live in. Ha-ha! What's sad is that I see these people more than I see my own family -- Watching people walk into this building in the mornings is kind of surreal. It’s like watching a farmer with his whip, yelling at the cattle to move toward the barn in an orderly fashion. This is what I thought this morning when saw the 'herd' move toward the front door. HA-HA! I stare at people's outfits and wonder what some of them were thinking when they got dressed that morning. We all do it, but don't confess it. Let's be realistic -- ya know? Once in a while, you'll get that average idiot that will try to steer up 2 seconds of meaningless conversation by saying, "hey, so.... Are you ready for the holidays?" I'm thinking, "Why do you care? For all you know, I could be Jewish or a Jehovah Witness or something." Do you really care if I'm ready for Christmas? Probably not. What I really wanted to say was, "No, I'm not ready. I woke up this morning with a killer headache and I'm about to start my period. How the f##k are you today?" HA-HA! Thoughts......meaningless little thoughts....

Signed,
F##k It

Dear F##k It:

Well, I don’t really know where to start, but here goes. First off, Gadabout doesn’t suffer from bouts of killer headaches, but he often goes through periods in his life of reflection and spiritual alignment – so I sort of feel your pain.

Yes, elevators and going to the office is trying for most Americans because most Americans hate their jobs and desire to drink booze all day long. If it’s not booze, it’s either drugs or massive doses of television. Some amongst us actually love their jobs (or so they condition themselves to believe so) and merrily cruise through the day producing and ideating. All paths lead to the same place – the retirement home. Some are nicer than others, but all beds are reserved for death. There is no escape.

I suggest that you help these hapless souls who know not the wisdom of mismatched stripes and plaids. Maybe try a sympathetic smile and hand them a fashion magazine as a guide to a better life. There is so much that can be done to help those in need, and your life’s work may very well be in the service of others. Don’t miss your calling – ya know!

Procrastination Leads to Consternation

2008-03-01T09:43:00.002-05:00

Thou Art Lazy

Travels to Europe
Sights of the Old World – Castles!
Cancelled – no passport

Someone close to Gadabout whom shall remain nameless (my sister) called me to inform that she is being sent to Germany by her corporate giant on business. The “trip” has been on and off for a few weeks and yesterday the decision was finally made to send her. There is a problem, however; she doesn’t have a passport. Crap!

Okay, folks, here is the dealio – post 9-11 every citizen should have flooded passport offices with applications. A passport is the ONE true identification for Americans. It is, quite frankly, the gold standard for travel. No passport, no entry. It’s that simple.

Lose your drivers license? Well, what do you do? It’s simple. You take your passport to DMV and get a new one. You get mugged on the streets of Detroit (not far fetched) and have your wallet or purse taken away by thugs. No problem. You have your passport stashed away at home. You still have an IDENTITY!

If you don’t have a passport, you are asking for problems. And those problems are of your making! Wake up and smell reality, identity and Travelocity!

The State of Human Affairs

2008-02-29T08:24:00.003-05:00

Women look forward to, plan for and dream of changing their man once they marry. Men, on the other hand, relish the thought that their bride will never change at all -- for eternity.

“The Sage”

Women Love Dolphins

2008-02-27T14:45:00.005-05:00

Gadabout turns a bad situation into a winner!

Roll Reversal

Gadabout, you jerk!
You are a dolphin trainer?
Your life's essence shines!

Church Membership Reported Down

2008-02-23T10:37:00.004-05:00

Photo of Probable A.P. reporters on assignment (they are going to hell soon)

That’s the headline Gadabout read in this morning’s newspaper. It was an A.P. story based on 2008 data published by the National Council of Churches. After going up their website I couldn’t find the report, so I’ll base my facts and following statements on biased opinion and a quick look-see at Wikipedia.

First off, the A.P. story sucked. It grouped small declines in Episcopal and Presbyterian populations together as the feature, and then noted increases in other faiths – other faiths such as Catholicism. Catholics were grouped between Mormons and Southern Baptist Convention believers. Okay, just for the record a quarter of the population is Catholic. Catholics outnumber the second most popular religion by a 4:1 ratio. There are over 75 million Catholics in the United States, so it is not logical to boast a story line that Church membership is down when the predominate faith in the country is UP!

The story didn’t even touch on other minority gods that represent the Jewish, Muslim, or neo-pagans beliefs. The Catholic God (the Trinity) is not going to be happy with the Associated Press for misrepresenting his Flock; especially during Lent. Somebody is going straight to hell. No passing Go and receiving $200 on the way either. Nope – straight to fires for misrepresentation of the facts. And the facts are that Catholic membership is up, and the number 2 faith (Southern Baptist Convention) is up as well. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Remember, Jesus is looking down upon you with anger and smite. He is a forgiving God, but his patience has its limits. Best you look twice before crossing the street until you retract that mess you call news.

Barack Obama is a Sissy Boy

2008-02-21T09:17:00.004-05:00

Gadabout offers you the Haiku form "Renga" which is 5-7-5 with a 7-7 added. Usually this form of poetry is linked between two or more people and can (and have) been linked thousands of times. And yes, Barack is a sissy boy.

Barack’s Creed

Run away and hide
Timetables and troop withdrawals
This is leadership

Columbia and Harvard
Admire me…Admire

One million people
“I’m asking you to believe”
This is leadership

Generation that reshapes
Craft immigration reform

Civil Rights the Economy
“I’m asking you to believe”
Rural Poverty

Wave the white flag and retreat
Admire me…admire

Are You Better Off Than You Were 8 Years Ago?

2008-02-18T09:24:00.004-05:00

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you dead

Gadabout wants to know if you are better off than you were eight years ago? – and yes, I refer to the great question posed by presidential candidate Ronald Reagan during the 1980 contest. I’m waiting for an answer. No, I am not interested in your thoughts on how awful it is that we are at war, or how American dignity has supposedly suffered under the evil hand of George Bush. I don’t care if you despise Bush, or if you are staunch supporter. I don’t care if your spoiled children are only average students at average high schools or universities. I don’t care if you’ve put on 15 extra pounds and suffer from male pattern baldness. I am just asking you the question that sunk then President Carter (okay, it was only a 4 year question, but who is counting) and vaulted Reagan into the white house. The answer for Gadabout (excluding personal failures and an ever expanding waistline) is an empirical Yes – a Yes with a capital Y.

Now that the country is waist deep in the election process, it seems appropriate to start asking tough questions concerning public policy. Since Barack Obama has been given a pass on making actual policy statements and is allowed to run around talking about “change” and “bridges” like an excited school girl on a Friday night, it seems to me that we are engaged in a simple beauty contest for the white house. The same with Hillary. All she finds important is to lash out at the current state of affairs and how she will solve all problems. It’s that simple; she is a proven leader so vote for Pedro.

It’s about time Americans get over cool campaigns, youthful movements and pageantry. There is a real world out there full of twists and turns, and Gadabout wants to know who can take the reigns and steer this rocket ship on a course of success. I want to know who has the abilities to kick ass and not bother taking names. I want to know who will put together a Cabinet capable of addressing crime, energy, education, immigration and same sex marriages. I want someone who can look you straight in the eye and say “no” when it would be easier to say “yes.” In short I want the next president to not be a yielding yes-man to Muslim terrorists who are dedicated to blowing up my favorite Starbucks. I want America to rule the world, and have the rest world agree that the almighty dollar is the standard. I want rapists and pedophiles locked up for life. I want Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad running for cover. I want ANWR exploited in an earth friendly fashion. I want it all, and so should you.

You might be a Bush basher, but you have to admit you know where he stands on the issues. You might cringe when he delivers an address, but you can bet the world listens with interest. Bush is a leader, not a cheerleader. Americans are leaders. Americans demand more than promises of change, balloons and waving hands. Let’s put some meat on the plate and start talking reality.

The History of Suck -- Palm Pilot

2008-02-15T12:04:00.002-05:00

Gadabout has been thinking a lot about stupid ideas. Stupid ideas that became extremely popular and revolutionized society then fizzled away into the abyss of distant memories. The Palm notebook was one of those stupid ideas. Palm successfully designed, built and marketed a cool looking device that replaced a spiral paper notebook. It was an organizational tool that made the user look hip and ready to tackle the 21st century. Those without a palm were envious of those who utilized a plastic pointer to make endless and seemingly important entries. In 1999 the U.S. Navy issued me a Palm. It was so very exciting to sit through meetings and pretend to take notes on such a splendid management tool. Gadabout was cool. Gadabout tossed the Palm into the garbage can a few months later. Gadabout went back to a notebook and trusty pencil to conduct business.

I am guessing most everyone tossed their Palms away after a year or so. If they didn’t revolt by tossing them into the waste bin, then they were most likely buried alive in a box and rest peacefully after a painful death resulting from battery life failure. Palms sucked, but they sold millions of them. And maybe, just maybe, they led to useable technologies that connected to the internet like the Blackberry. In this sense, Palm was a catalyst for change. Change for the better, but Palms still sucked.

Other things that suck(ed):

- Cowboy shirts popular in the 1970’s
- The Chevrolet Vega
- Black Lights
- Spandex
- ESP card decks
- Hair implants
- Toupees
- Alimony
- Pong
- 3-D movies
- Barney
- Bottled water
- Outlook Express
- Wireless mouse
- Turtleneck sweaters
- Soccer
- NBA
- Coach Class airline seats
- Bluetooth
- Spam (both kinds)

A Tribute to Greatness--Dylan Thomas

2008-02-14T15:35:00.002-05:00

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Election 2008 -- You Decide

2008-02-13T12:29:00.004-05:00

Barack is the Man!
McCain, well maybe
Hillary, the next leader of a once great nation

The Current State of Affairs

2008-02-10T09:44:00.000-05:00

Man jumps off building after an Italian dinner

Gadabout enjoyed dinner out with friends this past Friday and Saturday evenings. Both venues were Italian, and both served up above average fare. There was one unique difference between the two that is noteworthy, though. That difference was that Saturday night was twice as expensive as Friday night.

Friday night’s dinner was just Gadabout and a friend. Beer and wine was involved and the tab totaled $55 including tax and a 21% tip (the service was exceptional…thanks, Zia’s). Saturday’s meal was a bit more complicated. Our party consisted of 6 adults and 4 children (thank you for setting up 2 separate tables and supplying pizza dough to entertain the ADD afflicted miniature people). Gadabout ate light and consumed one beer and two glasses of wine, so I am guessing I was roughly carrying a 0.04 BAC at the end of the meal. The bill for the slightly above average chow totaled $386 (tax and 20% tip included). Do the Math.

My point is that Americans toss cash into the air like confetti at a Super Bowl parade. Just in dinners, Gadabout tosses at least $5,000 out the window for slightly above average meals each and every year. Now remember, this $5,000 is after tax income and only includes weekend expenditures – not pizzas and other food purchases during the week!

Americans love to consume, and consume we do. We consume at the movie theater where we spend $40 dollars for two tickets, popcorn, diet Cokes and nachos. A 42 inch LCD? Sold! A new Lazy Boy? Sold! Tickets to the ballgame? Sold! A week in Aspen? Sold! A new Escalade? Sold! $4,000 to paint the home interior? Sold!

Americans are in debt. Debt produces anxiety in relationships that often leads to divorce. Divorces can cost mucho dollars, leading to more debt and anger. Anger towards others causes health problems and lost productivity and reduced incomes. Reduced income and spiraling debt is a shiny pathway to bankruptcy. Bankruptcy causes people to jump off tall buildings and splat themselves onto unforgiving concrete surfaces at an acceleration rate of 32 ft/sec2 (remember, Gadabout has a Masters Degree in Science).

In short, Italian dinners lead to gruesome deaths where Americans hit the pavement at a velocity of 300 feet/second. Splat! The End.

The Difference Between Good and Evil Often Clear

2008-02-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

Readers, sometimes you just need to open your eyes, send the visual signal to the brain and energize a few neuro receptors. It's really that simple.

Dear Gadabout Jack

2008-02-03T10:09:00.000-05:00

Student Doesn’t Want College Dream Crushed
(Disclaimer: reprinted without permission from “Dear Abby” dated 3 Feb, 2008)

Dear Gadabout [Abby]: I am 18 and a high school graduate. I decided to attend an online university and have come to realize that this was a huge mistake. Now I am under pressure from my family to correct the mistake by either getting into a different school or getting a job.

The problem is, I do not wish to attend a university in the United States. I would like to study abroad. Whenever I mention this to my family, they laugh in my face.

My family crushed every dream I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and I’m asking advice on how to avoid it this time and find the strength within myself to go against what they want.—Broken Dreamer, Springfield, Tenn.

Dear Broken Dreamer: You do realize that you are a dumb-ass, right? Let’s use that premise as a baseline and move along. You are attending an online “university” for an undergraduate program? Why is that? Is it because you rebelled against taking the SAT? Your family is laughing at you because you are a Goth chick with a skewed sense of reality and are what guys call “a head case.”

So, you want to “study abroad” in lieu of attending a college in the “United States.” You don’t have any idea what to study, you just desire to “study” overseas – is that correct? The United States isn’t good enough for you? Never dreamed of an Ivy League education, or attending a Big Ten Conference school? If neither of these images of scholastic achievement, or pure rock star partying has ever caught your attention, then nothing ever will. Your family knows you are freaking strange and they have every right to laugh in your face and behind your back.

Let me offer you a little piece of sage wisdom; dreams are crushed by the stupidity of the dreamer. Write that down on a sticky note and stick it on your mirror as a constant reminder that you are an idiot. Hopefully you are attractive and have a great body, because if you have neither you are really screwed in life. I heard the pizzeria down the street is hiring dishwashers. Go there, get a job and make believe you are in Rome.

What Up, China?

2008-02-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

China sucks. China is undergoing a transportation crisis and most of the world doesn’t know about it. China doesn’t like the “outside” world to know how much they really suck. Millions of travelers are hanging out in overcrowded airports and train stations because of power shortages and a heavy travel season related to the Lunar New Year. They are short on coal to generate electricity. This shortage is good for West Virginia because America has plenty of coal to peddle. “Wang Ching, you want coal? We sell you coal. We love you long time.”

Big government equals big problems. Don’t cover up, China. It is clear that your population works for pennies on the dollar because your water supply is contaminated with lead. Your country of communists is slowly turning retarded because of the heavy metals. America busted you on this last year when you tried to poison our youth with pretty toys covered with lead paint. In America heavy metal is equated with the Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and the Who – not freaking poison. We figured out 50 years ago lead will kick your ass so we cut back on it and sue the tar out of anyone screwing up.

China does not “sue” they kill. The leaders of the toy industry that screwed up with lead based paint were executed. Not lying folks. The solution was a hasty trial followed up with a gangster Glock-Glock to the head. “Yo, Wang, Glock.” What might be the outcome of an entire country forced to live in the streets for a week, whining and ill-tempered? The answer is simple enough: G-L-O-C-K. Yep, all you soccer moms out there opposing the death penalty and preparing to vote for H-I-L-L-A-R-Y should pull you heads out of your asses. The pretty little toys under the Christmas tree, your purse, the ice scrapper in the trunk, and all that is plastic and cheap is supported by Chinese radical communists who believe in Glock-Glock as a sensible business and governmental solution to decision making.

Jesus never visited China for a reason; he didn’t like them and didn’t want to save them. Jesus knew that they would support North Korea, lead paint and hasty executions. This is why God is punishing China today, and this is why West Virginia will profit from their sins. Gadabout is watching you, China. Gadabout sees the truth.

How to Win a Super Bowl

2008-01-27T10:57:00.000-05:00

As we are all in agreement, football is the second most favored sport in the world. It falls closely behind baseball, and secures a strong lead over soccer (5th place) in planet earth standings. Sorry soccer fans, but America doesn’t like soccer except for middle and high school distractions that substitute for players whose parents never excelled at football or baseball and are seeking new pathways. “The road less traveled.” Americans don’t pay to watch soccer. Soccer players don’t get paid squat. Soccer is popular in countries where God’s nickname is Allah (the false god). Add it all up and you end up with baseball, football, basketball, hockey and then soccer. Soccer sucks. Soccer ranks 5th. The Super Bowl is cool. The World Series reigns supreme.

Let’s not forget that soccer was created by the minor god, Zeus. Zeus was disappointed by a small band of nonbelievers that populated the now nonexistent Greek Island of Soccerlitie. Soccerlite’s planted crops of corn to be used as fuel to heat their homes in winter instead of grapes to make wine. This pissed off Zeus because it disrupted the free flow of trade and drove up the price of wine futures. In retribution, he decided to punish the entire society. He started off by paralyzing the arms of all males. Then he took an additional step of doubling the size of the women’s asses and covered them with zits. After all that he turned the rains into soccer balls (for a day), and transformed half of cultivated farmlands into soccer fields. Nicely laid out soccer fields; complete with goals, ample parking and concession stands.

Visitors to Soccerlitie took interest in soccer and the game was exported throughout the Mediterranean. The game was popular because the woman did all of the work, and the men ran around staying fit and trim. Even though areas outside of Soccerlitie were not cursed by useless arms and fat asses, they stuck to a common rulebook. That is the history of soccer. Soccer was created out of punishment by the minor god Zeus, and the Christian God turned a blind eye to the whole ordeal and let it slide without further divine intervention. Soccerlitie sank into the sea shortly after Atlantis. The End.

The Super Bowl is an important game in American culture. Americans gamble big time cash on the Super Bowl. (Who gambles on soccer?) Americans party on Super Bowl Sunday. It is a ritual sanctioned by both sides of the aisle. It transcends race and religion. It is cool. But how can you profit from the Super Bowl and get away with it?

The answer has been starring right in the eye for years – you subject an entire team with a nasty flu virus. Not a life threatening virus, just one powerful enough to knock out the entire squad for a week. If the military has the capability to wage biological warfare, why not the Vegas bookies? Sinister? Yes. Effective? Yes. Sinful? I doubt it.

Gadabout supports this viewpoint of life

2008-01-24T14:53:00.001-05:00

In case any of you missed this...

Cloverfield – A film that really sucks

2008-01-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

Rob and Beth before they die (camcorder is never seen in the movie)

Gadabout went to the movies Saturday afternoon to check out the new release Cloverfield. How was it? It sucked. I wanted to leave after 10 minutes. I felt sick from the queasy-cam, suck ass filming technique used throughout 99% of the showing. If the chicks weren’t hot, some sort of cool special effects and plenty of people getting smashed and eaten I would have left.

I didn’t leave because I was praying for an end to the use of the damn camcorder. The vertigo was worse than flying instruments in a C-172 in turbulence. If you’ve never flown instruments in a C-172 (it sucks), just go see Cloverfield. After 10 minutes you’ll be qualified as a commercial pilot – show me your ticket stub, and I’ll sign your log book. I want to meet the character “Hud” and kick his ass for shaking the camera for over an hour. Hud, I’m tickled that Godzilla ate your fat ass near the end of the movie. Did I just ruin it for you? Good, then you won’t pay hard earned cash just to get ripped off.

You want more? Rob and Beth die too. Everybody dies. NYC gets wiped out by the government in order to save the world. That’s the ending, but questions remain. Why don’t the characters, especially fat boy Hud, ever get thirsty? How is it that the camcorder runs constantly for 12 hours and never loses battery power? How did the military show up in full force in less than 30 minutes? If Manhattan really gets blow up to kill the monster that sheds little spiders that eat people, how did the camcorder survive? I want answers. I’m still dizzy and pissed off. Oh, and one last question, why was this “mysterious” sea/space monster so pissed off in the first place.

If you see this movie after this warning (and spoiling the ending) then you deserve to die a young and painful death (unless you want me to endorse your log book).

Declaring Victory

2008-01-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

Gadabout is certain that the war in Iraq is a done deal. Chalk up another win for the USA, so break out the champagne and run around naked in the streets in Druid-like celebrations. Well, the skinny people should run around naked and drunk. Well, naked women should, not guys. Nobody wants to see a bunch of swinging “packages” so we’ll stick with naked skinny women celebrating in the streets. Let's party!

The Primaries are in full swing and none of the candidates or talking heads are talking war. We have this fantastic holy war going on where the good guys, the guys backed by God, are kicking ass and taking names. Names like Amir and Sadam. Not names like John, Luke or Matthew. The good guys and gals of America go in with guns-a-blazing and claim a premature win in the second quarter. Then the tide turns, we start getting beat up and have to retreat. After taking it in the shorts for a couple of months the democrats and atheists start booing their home team and leave the stadium in droves like Detroit Lions fans. I’ve seen it all on TV, and the TV is true and you can’t prove otherwise. God doesn’t like quitters; that is why Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the country. He punishes any State where fair-weather fans leave the big game early. Pay attention San Diego.

Then the “Surge.” The very sound of the word “surge” engenders success, and what a success it has become. So much so that it won the war. Let me ask you this, if we haven’t won the war, why don’t we hear about losing the war any longer? I’m waiting for an answer. I’ll tell you why. It’s because it’s no longer a war, it is an occupation -- that’s why. And those who stuck it out and stayed through the entire game and supported the team will be rewarded by the grace of God. Unfortunately, Hillary voted for the war and treaded very lightly during the quitting phase. She may have been stuffing her face with hotdogs and nachos in the concession area, but she didn’t leave the stadium. God likes Hillary, Allah likes Edwards, and Obama is a war atheist which means he doesn’t have any God on his side.

The Surge has worked, we won the war and it’s high time the candidates start using this victory as a plank. I don’t want to hear about leadership, sub-prime, healthcare or budgets. I want to hear about victory celebrations. I want to drink beer in the streets with naked skinny chicks. Gadabout stayed for the entire game.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 10, Divorce

2008-01-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

The best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to never get married in the first place. This sounds good in theory, but is seldom practiced. Men and women alike snuggle up to the fairytale dream of children, landscaped lawns, and fireplaces. The image is too strong to resist and we flock towards the Pastor, $50,000 receptions and honeymoons. Ah yes, the honeymoon. “I’ll love you until the day I die (or you die).”

Funny thing is most marriages don’t make it to the death stage. Couples “grow apart” these days. Bullshit, they hate each other. He’s pissed off because she stopped working after baby number two, and she still melts the American Express card like a drunken sailor in Taiwan. He throws his dirty socks in the corner after playing rugby with the boys and drinks too much. Tempers flare, mothers are used as sounding boards, the bedroom becomes frigid and harmony is lost. At this stage the cars are no longer waxed on the weekend, burgers are bought instead of grilled on the Weber, and the lawn becomes overrun with weeds. The seeds of destruction have been sowed. Crap!

It is of utmost importance that the male recognize the current state of a failing marriage and take immediate action. Pretending that matters will correct themselves is foolhardy and dangerous. If divorce is imminent, the male is already too late to the party. By this time the female has already secured counsel, built an air tight case and has brainwashed the children. All of this was accomplished while “stupid boy” was at work providing for the family.

The solution to protecting yourself is to be proactive. Being active, tentative, and a problem solver will pay big dividends when leveraging your case against hers. Examples of positive action follow:

- Seek professional counseling first. The counselor will suggest co-counseling and you will heed these words. Strike first!

- Buy flowers and use a credit card to maintain a history of giving.

- Take the children to the movies and attend all school functions.

- Run for a position on the civic league.

- Limit alcohol consumption. Take over duties as designated driver for your wife.

- Stash away $10,000 in cash as a rainy day fund.

- Suggest a trip to the in-laws.

- Volunteer for a charity.

- Work late over a period of nights that suggests you are screwing around. If you get accused of wrong doing your case will be air tight and embarrass the female. This will demonstrate a pattern of unfounded mistrust and clearly show a paranoid profile of the wife.

All of this will come out in marriage counseling and you will smell like a rose!

Summary:
Divorce is an outcrop of the female’s distrust of all male activities, dirty socks and beer drinking. It has nothing to do with women quitting their jobs, getting fat or over spending. The female prepares for divorce early in the relationship so must be outmaneuvered by the male through the use of offense and surprise.