Austin Powers Doctor Evil Talks About Himself

An important aspect of American culture.

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The authenticity of this video cannot be determined, but it is pretty cool.

Governments are Evil

Simple Math

Cyrus is a drug dealer who specializes is selling crack cocaine (substance A) to high school students. Cyrus usually sells his crack uncut to keep his clientele happy, but he is behind on his monthly Escalade payments and needs to collect additional capital as soon as possible. Because of these circumstances, he decides to cut substance A with substance B. By blending substances A and B, the resulting substance C in created. The resultant weight of substance C is 10 percent greater than substance A. If Cyrus makes a 50 percent return on investment selling substance A, what was his initial investment in substance A if substance C sells for $1000?

a) $1011
b) $909
c) $606
d) $667
e) $505

The correct answer, complete with mathematical proof, will earn the reader 1 Gold Star.

A Focus Group

With all the contention over health care reform, cash for clunkers, and cap and trade; maybe it is time to sit back and take stock of our collective American blessings. There are blessings to feel blessed about and to prove it I have transcribed recordings of a focus group I organized. The group consisted of twelve individuals (4 liberals, 4 moderates, 4 conservatives, and Gadabout the Independent) and was held in a modest conference room at the local library.

Gadabout (I): Okay, let’s count our collective American blessings. Let’s talk about what is RIGHT with America.
Bruce (C): The 2nd Amendment. The right to bare arms!
Kimberly (L): Fuck you, Bruce, you pathetic hillbilly.
Bruce (C): [brandishes his 9mm] How about I shove this down your suck-hole, bitch! Then you can start counting your blessings!
Gadabout (I): Whoa, let’s put the weapons down and get back to business.
[Bruce reluctantly holsters his 9mm. Kimberly stops shaking and realizes she has peed her pants. Kimberly excuses herself.]
Kimberly (L): Fuck all of you people.
Charlie (C): Well, I feel blessed that we have a country were I can ride my motorcycle. Ride it clear across the fruited plains!
Lance (L): Fuck you, Charlie, you homophobe. You prick!
Charlie (C): What? I just like riding my bike. What is wrong with that?
Lance (L): It is an expression of excessive wealth, you fuck!
[Bruce produces his 9mm, and Lance faints and shit's himself]
Gadabout (I): FUCK!
Joe (C): Now that is funny! I fell blessed just being here and watching all of this go down.
Tiffany (L): You would feel blessed, you pompous prick. Lance had a tough life. He grew up with an overbearing father. You think it is funny that he just shit himself?
Joe (C): Well, yes. I find that hilarious, to be honest.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you, Joe. All you white middle class guys get all the breaks, and you have all the wealth. Fuck you.
Joe (C): Lance is a successful screen actor. He is worth millions.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you.
Dan (L): Yeah, fuck all of you...you fuck faces.
Gadabout (I): FUCK!

[The Moderates never had a chance to talk]