How to Win a Super Bowl

As we are all in agreement, football is the second most favored sport in the world. It falls closely behind baseball, and secures a strong lead over soccer (5th place) in planet earth standings. Sorry soccer fans, but America doesn’t like soccer except for middle and high school distractions that substitute for players whose parents never excelled at football or baseball and are seeking new pathways. “The road less traveled.” Americans don’t pay to watch soccer. Soccer players don’t get paid squat. Soccer is popular in countries where God’s nickname is Allah (the false god). Add it all up and you end up with baseball, football, basketball, hockey and then soccer. Soccer sucks. Soccer ranks 5th. The Super Bowl is cool. The World Series reigns supreme.

Let’s not forget that soccer was created by the minor god, Zeus. Zeus was disappointed by a small band of nonbelievers that populated the now nonexistent Greek Island of Soccerlitie. Soccerlite’s planted crops of corn to be used as fuel to heat their homes in winter instead of grapes to make wine. This pissed off Zeus because it disrupted the free flow of trade and drove up the price of wine futures. In retribution, he decided to punish the entire society. He started off by paralyzing the arms of all males. Then he took an additional step of doubling the size of the women’s asses and covered them with zits. After all that he turned the rains into soccer balls (for a day), and transformed half of cultivated farmlands into soccer fields. Nicely laid out soccer fields; complete with goals, ample parking and concession stands.

Visitors to Soccerlitie took interest in soccer and the game was exported throughout the Mediterranean. The game was popular because the woman did all of the work, and the men ran around staying fit and trim. Even though areas outside of Soccerlitie were not cursed by useless arms and fat asses, they stuck to a common rulebook. That is the history of soccer. Soccer was created out of punishment by the minor god Zeus, and the Christian God turned a blind eye to the whole ordeal and let it slide without further divine intervention. Soccerlitie sank into the sea shortly after Atlantis. The End.

The Super Bowl is an important game in American culture. Americans gamble big time cash on the Super Bowl. (Who gambles on soccer?) Americans party on Super Bowl Sunday. It is a ritual sanctioned by both sides of the aisle. It transcends race and religion. It is cool. But how can you profit from the Super Bowl and get away with it?

The answer has been starring right in the eye for years – you subject an entire team with a nasty flu virus. Not a life threatening virus, just one powerful enough to knock out the entire squad for a week. If the military has the capability to wage biological warfare, why not the Vegas bookies? Sinister? Yes. Effective? Yes. Sinful? I doubt it.

Gadabout supports this viewpoint of life

In case any of you missed this...

Cloverfield – A film that really sucks

Rob and Beth before they die (camcorder is never seen in the movie)

Gadabout went to the movies Saturday afternoon to check out the new release Cloverfield. How was it? It sucked. I wanted to leave after 10 minutes. I felt sick from the queasy-cam, suck ass filming technique used throughout 99% of the showing. If the chicks weren’t hot, some sort of cool special effects and plenty of people getting smashed and eaten I would have left.

I didn’t leave because I was praying for an end to the use of the damn camcorder. The vertigo was worse than flying instruments in a C-172 in turbulence. If you’ve never flown instruments in a C-172 (it sucks), just go see Cloverfield. After 10 minutes you’ll be qualified as a commercial pilot – show me your ticket stub, and I’ll sign your log book. I want to meet the character “Hud” and kick his ass for shaking the camera for over an hour. Hud, I’m tickled that Godzilla ate your fat ass near the end of the movie. Did I just ruin it for you? Good, then you won’t pay hard earned cash just to get ripped off.

You want more? Rob and Beth die too. Everybody dies. NYC gets wiped out by the government in order to save the world. That’s the ending, but questions remain. Why don’t the characters, especially fat boy Hud, ever get thirsty? How is it that the camcorder runs constantly for 12 hours and never loses battery power? How did the military show up in full force in less than 30 minutes? If Manhattan really gets blow up to kill the monster that sheds little spiders that eat people, how did the camcorder survive? I want answers. I’m still dizzy and pissed off. Oh, and one last question, why was this “mysterious” sea/space monster so pissed off in the first place.

If you see this movie after this warning (and spoiling the ending) then you deserve to die a young and painful death (unless you want me to endorse your log book).

Declaring Victory

Gadabout is certain that the war in Iraq is a done deal. Chalk up another win for the USA, so break out the champagne and run around naked in the streets in Druid-like celebrations. Well, the skinny people should run around naked and drunk. Well, naked women should, not guys. Nobody wants to see a bunch of swinging “packages” so we’ll stick with naked skinny women celebrating in the streets. Let's party!

The Primaries are in full swing and none of the candidates or talking heads are talking war. We have this fantastic holy war going on where the good guys, the guys backed by God, are kicking ass and taking names. Names like Amir and Sadam. Not names like John, Luke or Matthew. The good guys and gals of America go in with guns-a-blazing and claim a premature win in the second quarter. Then the tide turns, we start getting beat up and have to retreat. After taking it in the shorts for a couple of months the democrats and atheists start booing their home team and leave the stadium in droves like Detroit Lions fans. I’ve seen it all on TV, and the TV is true and you can’t prove otherwise. God doesn’t like quitters; that is why Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the country. He punishes any State where fair-weather fans leave the big game early. Pay attention San Diego.

Then the “Surge.” The very sound of the word “surge” engenders success, and what a success it has become. So much so that it won the war. Let me ask you this, if we haven’t won the war, why don’t we hear about losing the war any longer? I’m waiting for an answer. I’ll tell you why. It’s because it’s no longer a war, it is an occupation -- that’s why. And those who stuck it out and stayed through the entire game and supported the team will be rewarded by the grace of God. Unfortunately, Hillary voted for the war and treaded very lightly during the quitting phase. She may have been stuffing her face with hotdogs and nachos in the concession area, but she didn’t leave the stadium. God likes Hillary, Allah likes Edwards, and Obama is a war atheist which means he doesn’t have any God on his side.

The Surge has worked, we won the war and it’s high time the candidates start using this victory as a plank. I don’t want to hear about leadership, sub-prime, healthcare or budgets. I want to hear about victory celebrations. I want to drink beer in the streets with naked skinny chicks. Gadabout stayed for the entire game.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 10, Divorce

The best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to never get married in the first place. This sounds good in theory, but is seldom practiced. Men and women alike snuggle up to the fairytale dream of children, landscaped lawns, and fireplaces. The image is too strong to resist and we flock towards the Pastor, $50,000 receptions and honeymoons. Ah yes, the honeymoon. “I’ll love you until the day I die (or you die).”

Funny thing is most marriages don’t make it to the death stage. Couples “grow apart” these days. Bullshit, they hate each other. He’s pissed off because she stopped working after baby number two, and she still melts the American Express card like a drunken sailor in Taiwan. He throws his dirty socks in the corner after playing rugby with the boys and drinks too much. Tempers flare, mothers are used as sounding boards, the bedroom becomes frigid and harmony is lost. At this stage the cars are no longer waxed on the weekend, burgers are bought instead of grilled on the Weber, and the lawn becomes overrun with weeds. The seeds of destruction have been sowed. Crap!

It is of utmost importance that the male recognize the current state of a failing marriage and take immediate action. Pretending that matters will correct themselves is foolhardy and dangerous. If divorce is imminent, the male is already too late to the party. By this time the female has already secured counsel, built an air tight case and has brainwashed the children. All of this was accomplished while “stupid boy” was at work providing for the family.

The solution to protecting yourself is to be proactive. Being active, tentative, and a problem solver will pay big dividends when leveraging your case against hers. Examples of positive action follow:

- Seek professional counseling first. The counselor will suggest co-counseling and you will heed these words. Strike first!

- Buy flowers and use a credit card to maintain a history of giving.

- Take the children to the movies and attend all school functions.

- Run for a position on the civic league.

- Limit alcohol consumption. Take over duties as designated driver for your wife.

- Stash away $10,000 in cash as a rainy day fund.

- Suggest a trip to the in-laws.

- Volunteer for a charity.

- Work late over a period of nights that suggests you are screwing around. If you get accused of wrong doing your case will be air tight and embarrass the female. This will demonstrate a pattern of unfounded mistrust and clearly show a paranoid profile of the wife.

All of this will come out in marriage counseling and you will smell like a rose!

Summary:
Divorce is an outcrop of the female’s distrust of all male activities, dirty socks and beer drinking. It has nothing to do with women quitting their jobs, getting fat or over spending. The female prepares for divorce early in the relationship so must be outmaneuvered by the male through the use of offense and surprise.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 9, USDA Stamp of Approval

Chicks swarm to dudes that are already in relationships. It is a law of nature – the more deeply a man is committed to another, the more desirable his Y-chromosome becomes. Hey, if another female has determined there is undisputed value attached to guy, then perhaps he might be worth fighting for. It is akin to a USDA stamp of approval, and women like labels. DKNY, Liz Claiborne, Chanel, Manolo Blahnik, Coach, Dooney & Burke are all labels and are all desirable. Women flock to labels and “boy friend, fiancé, and husband” are labels for men. “Single Dude” represents the unknown. “What is wrong with him, why isn’t he married by now?” they whisper while sipping drinks bought by single dudes.

Let’s simply accept the fact that women are cunning and ruthless in their pursuit of other women’s men. If we accept this is fact, then it is obvious why wives never trust their husbands because they are fully aware of the “Prime USDA” label attached to her mate. She is also aware that women are ruthless and will steal without hesitation. Even best friends, siblings and cousins (and in rare occasions mothers and daughters) will lie, cheat and steal satisfy their primal instincts. It’s tough to rely upon social norms, beliefs and values when you’re up against DNA coded software written by God himself. Women just can’t help it.

The lesson here is that if you’re in a dry spell, the solution is staring you in the face. All you have to declare is that you are “engaged.” That’s right, fake it. “Hey, you’re really wonderful, but I’m engaged to a really wonderful woman.” Keep a photo of an attractive chick in your wallet to prove it. Maybe you could be engaged to a dead chick, and you’re not over it yet. That will soften someone up. “He is so incredibly dedicated, and handsome, and is still dedicated to “Kelly Anne” who tragically died after being T-boned by a drunk driver. Wedding rings work too, and are readily available – just borrow one from a divorced friend. Be creative. Be happy. Be selective.

Summary:

Women steal men from other women. Chicks find men in relationships more attractive than single men. Wives are aware of this fact and this knowledge accounts for nearly 100% of distrust in marriage. Avail yourself to deception if it means the difference of going home alone or the opposite.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 8, Paying the Tab

One aspect of courtship is dinning and movie going. Until about 1980 it was expected that the male flip for the entire bill. There were very few exceptions to this rule. The guy paid for everything, drove and opened all doors. The scenario ran like a champ because women made less money than men, they expected to be treated like ladies and guys have superior driving skills. Today the world is turned upside down regarding equality, but surprisingly men still pay the lion’s share of dating. This has to change, and it is up to all men to level the playing field.

One way to level the playing field is to keep women down professionally, but that tactic has been successfully challenged in the courts of law and has failed. Women are allowed, legally, to displace men in the workforce. They are pilots, doctors, lawyers and even firefighters. Okay, honey, you took the job so how about tossing cash at that $100 bar tab? How about you pay it without making a weak silly gesture for the bill as the “chick” waitress places the bill in front of the dude? Why not offer to pick up the dude when plans are made? The reason you don’t is because you are a “princess” and princesses don’t involve themselves with trite matters of transportation and finance.

Now to be fair to the fairer sex, it should be noted that more and more woman are waking up and smelling the greenback. Being flush with cash, this select sect will pay for a dinner and even offer to drive. These chicks are cool and should be respected even though they displaced a male from making it big by taking his medical school slot. We call this progress, so I’ll play along.

There is a lesson here. That lesson is to utilize a tactic of paying for everything to observe the female’s responses over time. This analysis should take in factors such as ability to pay, income, family situation, attractiveness and personality. If the female is average across the board, but is flush with cash she sure as hell better offer to pay very early on in the relationship. If, on the other hand, she is a solid “9” and is struggling to finish graduate school in literature, then we might have to cut her some slack. Remember, they receive diamonds and we get the all-in-one screwdriver. Maybe paying for dinner and drinks is a small price for her to pay for a lifetime opportunity to take a male to the cleaners for life.

Summary

Women demanded a level playing field and they were rewarded for their efforts. Use equality to determine the coolness of a chick by tracking how often she offers to drive or pay the tab. This is a legal form of discrimination, and men need all the tools available to make sound judgments in his eternal pursuit of happiness.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 7, Gift Buying

Over a course of a lifetime a man is confronted with hundreds of birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s days, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and other “special” check marks on the calendar held special by a female where gifts are expected. If you miss “giving” during any of these observed charity days then you are severely punished. You’ll be ignored, scoffed upon and be forced to practice celibacy. Years later the tears will flow like Niagara during counseling sessions. Counseling sessions mediated by females of the sisterhood, where you’ll take the lion’s share of the blame and humiliation. The point is that you’re screwed because you’ll never be able to keep up with her wishes, dreams and most importantly her wants. You’ll satisfy her about a third of the time with your Neanderthal abilities to remember “hints” and select the perfect gift for every occasion, so acclimate yourself to failure. Failure and disgrace are your bedfellows.

It matters little that you’ll receive thoughtless gifts throughout the year. There will be the all in one screwdriver, shirts that don’t fit and books you have no intention of reading. On occasion she will hit the mark with a GPS for the car or sanction the idea of a new drum set or guitar, but those moments will be random and spread far apart over many years. Since most of the gifts you receive suck, and you are a man of honesty, it is difficult to effectively game-face satisfaction. You try to look the part of the happy man, but it is tough. Men don’t really give a rat’s ass about gifts and generally keep expectations low, but females care – they care a lot. Since you’re not a good liar, she sees through your thin and opaque veneer like a superhero. In this sense you cause an emotional stir equally as negative as the pointless gifts you give to her. The sad aspect of all of this is that you don’t care, but she does. She cares a great deal and will remember every failure you make for a lifetime. Women are like elephants – they never forget.

What men need to take away from this lesson is that you are always a loser when gifts are involved. You lose when giving and lose when receiving. But you wonder, “Is there a win scenario?” The answer is maybe and it all depends on your social and economical status. It all comes down to cold hard cash, and it is only a temporary fix because the final outcomes are diminished retirement and savings accounts. Yep, buy her diamonds, country club memberships and trips to Rome. All you are accomplishing is raising the bar with every swipe of the American Express card. “Those diamonds earrings are too small,” she whispers to her friend as they giggle in the corner. “He is so inept,” they shake their heads in unison.

Men die younger than woman because of gifting. Men are forced to work longer hours on the assembly lines and in the posh towers of high stakes finance – all to fund bigger and better gifts for the female. It’s a fact, you can look it up.

So what are you waiting for? If you are always going to be the loser boy, then stop caring altogether. Spend your free cash on yourself. She will always accrue what she really wants anyway, so lash back at the machine and buy that new set of golf clubs and don’t bother yourself with grief in the slightest. Screw it. They end up with everything in the end anyway.

Summary:
Men never win when it comes to giving or receiving gifts. You cannot be trusted to buy the perfect gift and you will never give the correct emotion response. Females view you as emotionless and inept. Sadly, you're offered only two choices in life: The first is to throw cash at the problem, and second is to stop caring. Throwing money raises the proverbial “bar” and leads to financial ruin. Not caring leads to happiness. You make the choice.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 6, Marriage

Gadabout believes that most men are not ready for marriage until they are at least in their thirties. Sure, you get past a few rough years having to glean autumn fields for nourishment and you are hungry by 23. College is in the past and adulthood is reflected in the mirror. You have a job now and feel the need to settle down, especially after being mauled by hungry cougars. Some of your buddies are married now and you have lost touch with them because they do married things; like have couples over for dinner and landscape yards. Dinners and landscaping represent stability just like Dad's lawn mower and woodshop. Maybe, you think, it's time for a family. Isn't that sweet? Guess what? Your only reward will be a quarter of the closet littered with women's shoes.

Wake up and smell the gun powder my fine friend. In fifteen years from today half of those cozy couples will be divorced and your pal will be nothing more than a tattered mess of a middle aged man. He will be paying child support to kids who hate his inner core of being because of the propaganda machine his ex keeps operating on overtime. He is living in a lousy two bedroom apartment furnished with discarded furniture and is driving a busted up Chevy. He smiles because he finally has freedom, but it fades quickly when he spots his ex cocktailing and hitting on 21 year old surfer dudes. His blood pressure is creeping up and he can’t fit into his blue jeans. His girlfriend is cute, but dumb as a rock and says, “Absolutely,” in response to every point he makes in conversation.

My advice to all young men is to take a deep breath before asking Ms Almost Perfect to stand on the alter together and commit to a binding contract of law. Time is on your side. The next time she asks a stupid question like, “Do I look fat in this dress,” say, “Yes.” Turn the TV on and wait for the riposte.

Summary

All marriages end in either death or divorce, so why rush into anything that always has an unhappy ending. Time is on your side.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 5, Cougars

Supply and Demand

Out of the jungle
Races a sleek, trim Cougar
Her prey surrenders


A first encounter with a Cougar will throw a young man off balance. It will rock his world. It will forever alter his perception of social norms and boundaries. Cougars are fierce creatures created out of the collapse of an idealist belief and value system. A system destroyed by divorce, and replaced with a renewed vigor towards sexuality in an attempt to make up for lost time. Cougars feed upon young men, and these willing targets are ripe for the taking. But why?

Cougars and their partners vary greatly in age. For simplicity, we’ll examine the college student male and the thirty-something female. The male is, let’s say 21, and has been repeatedly denied the affection of females his own age. He has spent too many Sunday mornings waking up hung-over with an empty wallet. Women his own age tease him and tempt him. They accept free dinners and drinks, and then skedaddle. Frustration builds in the young man and he begins to lose hope and faith. He loses hope and faith until he meets the Cougar.

The Cougar is fairly attractive, mature and has been around the block. She has two children in grade school or middle school, an ex-husband who split with the trailer park chick he met at a bar, and hasn’t enjoyed the touch of a man for years. She is lonely. She is starting to work out again. She envisions a “self” reflective of her college years when she once enjoyed free drinks and could skedaddle. She demands a return to youth, and no one is going to stop her.

A Cougar and her young man is a perfect pair. He is distraught over neglect from his contemporaries, and so is she. Who is she going to date? Men her age are either married, freshly divorced and looking for younger females or are living in his parent’s basement playing video games. She is too proud to date older men because that would be a step backwards. Older men have bellies and snore. A middle ground is discovered that is beneficial to both parties.

This is a period of social change and confusion for women in their mid twenties. As young men meet older Cougars, fewer men are available for dating, free dinners and drinks. “Where are all the good men?” they ask one another. This confusion leads to women making blind grabs at any available men their own age for marriage. It’s sort of like a banking panic where depositors claw on closing doors. The cycle begins.

Summary:

Cougars are cunning creatures and will stop at nothing to seek attention and affection. They target much younger men because they are willing and feel neglected. Cougars disrupt the supply and demand of available males, resulting in confusion and social change.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 4, Travel

Like most men, Gadabout doesn’t enjoy long journeys in an automobile with a woman when mini battles erupt. In this case, the car becomes a trap. A trap because you cannot abandon it and both male and the female are forced to cohabitate. There is no getting up and heading out to the garage to work on your wood working projects when on the road. Women understand the trap and will use it to seek advantage. They are keenly aware that you have to depend on each other and that home base is miles away. They play the roll of the cat toying with the mouse. They bank on the premise that there is no way out. Or is there?

On one fine afternoon when Gadabout was just a lad of about five, he was traveling from Buffalo to Detroit with his mother, aunt, two older sisters, older female cousin, and two younger male cousins. The males were outnumbered 5-3 and the opposition had seniority. The deck was stacked against Gadabout, Steven and young Larry. Well, I guess Steven and I were to blame for some now forgotten mayhem in the tattered 1961 Ford station wagon. Aunt Marilyn was at the wheel and was losing it. I mean losing it bad; dynamic hormone imbalance stuff. She pulled over on the Queen’s highway and came to a complete stop. “Get out,” she snapped. Gadabout and Steven (age 5ish and 4ish) were forced out of the car and onto the shoulder. The 5 psycho chicks and 1 remaining 3 year old male drove away. “Crap!”

The women were collectively playing hardball. Okay, bring it on. The car pulled over about half a mile down the road and then clumsily backed up as we walked to meet it. Parents really did this stuff to their kids back then. Try that today and you end up behind bars. Well, I think the adult supervision came to their senses that maybe they crossed the line. We entered the car as victors greeted by a sobbing mess of estrogen.

So, back to our lesson. If you find yourself driving and your female companion won’t stop yapping and attacking your driving skills and other aspects of your personality, you have a way out. No, don’t kick her out to the side of the road and drive off. That is a female play. All you have to do is pull over to the side of the expressway, put the car in park and turn off the engine. This is a powerful strategic play and must be orchestrated with great care. After remaining silent for a few moments, grip the wheel at the ten and two and stare straight ahead. Then in a calm voice ask her if she would like to drive. Tell her that her attacks are noted and can be addressed at a later time, but this is not the time. Driving requires concentration and alertness, and she is distracting you from the road. She will crumble.

The female will not want to drive because you suggested it. It would be a win for you, and she really doesn’t like driving in the dark anyway. She’ll say something like, “Let’s just go and we’ll talk later.” After you start the car and hit the road, she will remain very silent and feign sleep. It will be a tie in the end, but that is better than a loss.

Summary:

Women don’t travel well and take advantage of the car as a trap to trample upon your heart and spirit. Be prepared for this in life and develop exit strategies well in advance to counter their attacks.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 3, The Use of Alcohol

Just a Sip

A well stocked bar
Loosened up the female tribe
An easy, quick kill


Ogden Nash once wrote, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” The man was a certified American genius. In light of this time honored witticism it is altogether fitting that we address the role of alcohol in warming up and wooing a not quite ready, willing and able female. First things first, though. The first rule of thumb in drinking booze, beer and wine is to not over do it yourself. There will be times where your abuse of the cherished fire water will result in an inability to walk, much less charm the female target with your flamboyant personality. If this be the case, all is lost for the night and your only concern is that of your own personal safety. There is a chance you might get the crap kicked out of you or wake up naked alongside a snow bank in this drunken state, but you’ll learn from these mistakes.

The name of the game is to get the women drinking. It is all about keeping your senses honed and keen. Men don’t drink and carry firearms when deer hunting and we certainly don’t hunt females with a bottle of rot gut under our belts either.

Oftentimes women run in packs for protection from men and other hazardous situations. This Medusa looking tribe is a very effective defensive tactic. Because of this it is important to determine early in the game individual team members and the positions they play. Really attractive women often run with unattractive women which is interesting. I guess it is a balancing dynamic that is beneficial to both distorted personalities. Regardless of the spectrum of attractiveness you are pursuing, other members of the pack will be interested in you and sniff you out. This is the flaw of pact mentality. In this sense women are spiteful to each other, so it makes our job a bit easier in the end game. Just sit back and relax and let the evening flow like electricity – it will find a ground. So what if you end up with a chubby version of Oprah? Chances are her girlfriend will turn on her and try to steal you away next weekend. This is called a win-win in business and politics, and it can be a win-win for you!

Some women are untouchables – they will never break, so don’t even try. Be nice to the untouchables because they may give a thumbs-up to a fellow teammate. The point is to never burn bridges unless it connects to undisputable hostile territory that lacks natural resources and has no strategic value. If so, torch it.

Summary:

Women loosen up when under the influence of alcohol, but they are not interested in communicating with drunks. Maintain a low BAC, keep an open mind and go for the easy kill. Women are a jealous lot, and this trait may work in your favor for horse trading in the future.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 2

Just Friends

He has desire
She taunts, teases and placates
A free oil change

The pitfalls of being “just friends” are deep and treacherous, and must be avoided at all costs. There are times in a man’s life when he is confronted with the dilemma of meeting a chick he really digs and wants to have a relationship with, but the woman is only interested in a “man friend” who possesses the skills to fix automobiles, bicycles and heating systems. Of course going out for dinners and movies is also a part her “plan” when there is a void in the suitor market. This happens at least once in a man’s lifetime where we find ourselves blinded by beauty and hormones, but we must learn from these mistakes and avoid a second or third prison term at all costs.

Young men should be briefed by their elder mentors concerning the trap of becoming a “male friend.” It doesn’t have to be a lengthy talk, and it does not need to address the birds and the bees either. It just needs to be simple, straight forward and to the point. And the point is that if all you are getting out of the “friendship” is bloody knuckles from changing the oil on her neglected car then it is time to throw in the towel and join the local rugby team.

That’s what real dudes do; play sports and get sweaty. They don’t hang out with women who use them like sugar and flour as ingredients for their favorite dessert. No, if their car isn’t working they can take it to the shop like everyone else. Have fun on your days off from the office and you’ll most likely find that after the game, when you are drinking beer with your buddies, there might be some hot number hanging out wishing she could have a chance to smell your pheromones.

Summary:

Never waste your time being a “male friend” to a needy and manipulative chick.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – A Lesson in Understanding Women

Gadabout was shooting the bull at the office a few weeks ago with a co-worker about an idea envisioned as a “Handbook for Young Men.” This handbook would be a priceless collection for all men, young and old alike, since it would cut through the many mysteries of the female species and save countless hours of uncertainty trying to determine the next step in dealing with chicks. My co-worker took to the idea and recounted his position on the subject which he dubbed “Unicorns, Dolphins and Shoes.” Gadabout is stealing the title of his thesis, but to protect myself I have altered it slightly. Hey, it’s better than mine!

Lesson 1:

Women don’t want to “get” involved with dudes that drive hybrid cars, recycle or send nice gifts on Valentine’s Day. They want to be “married” to guys that do all of the above and they take much enjoyment out of molding their mates into any desired shape and size utilizing cunning skills and abilities. They want “danger boy,” not sensitive man. They want adventure, unshaven faces and beer breath sweetened by a Marlboro. But there is a hitch to this bi-polar selection process. They need a hint that danger boy can be molded into shape after the honeymoon is over. If danger boy is to have his way during courtship he must walk the razor’s edge of being bad while at the same time showing a tiny sliver of sissy boy potential.

Gadabout stumbled upon the ideal “action” that sealed the deal many years ago. It happened purely by happenstance and the outcomes were immediate and satisfying. I unselfishly recount the events that transpired on one random day during the summer of 2001. I was walking along the boardwalk with a woman that was fairly hot. It was a new woman and we didn’t know each other very well, and the conversation was not cutting it. At one particular moment while she was leading the discussion I noticed a Twinkie wrapper on the ground in front of me. Without thinking, I instinctively picked up the wrapper and wadded it up in my hand. I made absolutely no comment since I was listening, and it is polite to listen when the other is talking. After a hundred yards or so we caught up with a trash can and I threw the wrapper away in silence. The look of admiration on this woman’s face was very evident. At that very instant I became King and she my Queen, and kingdom was mine for the taking.

Summary:

Women are bi-polar during the selection process. Be 99% dude and make absolutely certain that the 1% is on the mark. It’s a razor’s edge.

New Year’s Resolution for Other People -- Shower

Gadabout doesn’t like the odor of un-bathed people. You might say, “Gadabout, nobody likes the odor of un-bathed people – you are nuts.” Not so, Grasshopper. All you need to do is hop in a taxi cab in NYC and you’ll discover the driver quite content in his unwashed attire and unshaven face. Americans, for the most part, don’t smell bad. Canadians don’t either, but that is because they are pretty much American except for speed limits and funny looking money. Besides that, they are very similar to us.

America and Canada are “New World” countries and because so they were required to build new everything. We had to start off from scratch with roads, monetary systems and water supplies. The “Old World” has systems that are thousands of years old, so it understandable that their customs of not bathing and washing their clothes is outdated as well. Chicks in the New World shave their arm pits, and dudes in the New World shower after working out. Nearly every home in the New World has a washer and dryer, and even those in poverty have running water and showers in their homes. Poor people in the New World are very clean and tidy compared to the world mean.

I guess Old Worlder’s just get in the habit of smelling and don’t notice it much. Sort of like how your bedroom can get messy and you don’t realize it until there is a chance that you might get lucky and have a visitor over. Make sense to you? I don’t know what to do about all of this except maybe to run public service announcements abroad concerning hygiene and America’s expectations. We could run those same ads here just to reinforce our unwavering standards on this important subject. And of course it is your obligation as a citizen of the New World to inform Old Worlders that they smell if you encounter one. Just do it. Tell the taxi cab driver that he smells like crap and he should wash his clothes and shower immediately.

For the guys out there who might be traveling to the Old World, don’t fret. Remember, if you are in France and find a hot woman don’t let all that hair freak you out. No, it is okay because you are just a hot shower and shave away from a really good time.