Haiku

I robbed this haiku....


haikus are easy
but sometimes they don't make sense
refrigerator

America Needs a Good Bitch Slapping

That’s right, America, you need an old fashion slap around the kitchen before you finally wake up and smell the Starbucks. The last time Gadabout mouthed off to his Pops was when he was in ninth grade. It happened in the garage and the result of his disrespectful murmurs was a Jimmy Connors backhand to the temple. Gadabout learned his lesson, and learned it good. He learned to shut his pie-hole, act like an adult and show respect to others. I needed the “training.” I sucked, and learned to suck less.

Proudly mouthing off
Spit in America’s eye
“Hey, that back hand hurt!”

So, I believe it is high time America takes a bitch slap to the temple for some schooling. Tough schooling – street schooling. It’s time to elect Barack Obama President this Fall to immediately feel the pain of proper street education. It’s time to cheer and boast change, and mouth off to the traditions of prosperity and dignity. It’s time for a wake up call.

Like a school boy a day before summer vacation, I anticipate Barack and his cronies with open arms, while trying to control restless leg syndrome. I want to watch TV and witness first hand:

1. Crumbling infrastructure along the entire eastern seaboard.
2. $10 gas.
3. Israel torn apart by nuclear weapons.
4. A weaker dollar.
5. Higher taxes.
6. A disassembled military.
7. More Affirmative Action.
8. Iraq in chaos.
9. Inflation.
10. Terrorist attacks on American Soil.

We are told by talking heads on TV that too much blood has been shed overseas to protect America from a war of lies. Well, 4,000 + deaths is a tragedy – I won’t dispute that. But how about the 17,000 murders a year in the good old US of A? What about the 92,000 rapes? How about the 1,000 deaths every year on Virginia roadways? Where is the outrage? Playing the blood card is a nasty card to play. All you metrosexuals and pandering cry babies can take your “Blood War” card, find a quiet place in the house and ram it firmly up your behind. Yep, we need a good bitch slap.

Procrastination Leads to Consternation

Thou Art Lazy

Travels to Europe
Sights of the Old World – Castles!
Cancelled – no passport


Someone close to Gadabout whom shall remain nameless (my sister) called me to inform that she is being sent to Germany by her corporate giant on business. The “trip” has been on and off for a few weeks and yesterday the decision was finally made to send her. There is a problem, however; she doesn’t have a passport. Crap!

Okay, folks, here is the dealio – post 9-11 every citizen should have flooded passport offices with applications. A passport is the ONE true identification for Americans. It is, quite frankly, the gold standard for travel. No passport, no entry. It’s that simple.

Lose your drivers license? Well, what do you do? It’s simple. You take your passport to DMV and get a new one. You get mugged on the streets of Detroit (not far fetched) and have your wallet or purse taken away by thugs. No problem. You have your passport stashed away at home. You still have an IDENTITY!

If you don’t have a passport, you are asking for problems. And those problems are of your making! Wake up and smell reality, identity and Travelocity!

Women Love Dolphins

Gadabout turns a bad situation into a winner!

Roll Reversal

Gadabout, you jerk!
You are a dolphin trainer?
Your life's essence shines!

Barack Obama is a Sissy Boy

Gadabout offers you the Haiku form "Renga" which is 5-7-5 with a 7-7 added. Usually this form of poetry is linked between two or more people and can (and have) been linked thousands of times. And yes, Barack is a sissy boy.

Barack’s Creed

Run away and hide
Timetables and troop withdrawals
This is leadership

Columbia and Harvard
Admire me…Admire

One million people
“I’m asking you to believe”
This is leadership

Generation that reshapes
Craft immigration reform

Civil Rights the Economy
“I’m asking you to believe”
Rural Poverty

Wave the white flag and retreat
Admire me…admire

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 2

Just Friends

He has desire
She taunts, teases and placates
A free oil change

The pitfalls of being “just friends” are deep and treacherous, and must be avoided at all costs. There are times in a man’s life when he is confronted with the dilemma of meeting a chick he really digs and wants to have a relationship with, but the woman is only interested in a “man friend” who possesses the skills to fix automobiles, bicycles and heating systems. Of course going out for dinners and movies is also a part her “plan” when there is a void in the suitor market. This happens at least once in a man’s lifetime where we find ourselves blinded by beauty and hormones, but we must learn from these mistakes and avoid a second or third prison term at all costs.

Young men should be briefed by their elder mentors concerning the trap of becoming a “male friend.” It doesn’t have to be a lengthy talk, and it does not need to address the birds and the bees either. It just needs to be simple, straight forward and to the point. And the point is that if all you are getting out of the “friendship” is bloody knuckles from changing the oil on her neglected car then it is time to throw in the towel and join the local rugby team.

That’s what real dudes do; play sports and get sweaty. They don’t hang out with women who use them like sugar and flour as ingredients for their favorite dessert. No, if their car isn’t working they can take it to the shop like everyone else. Have fun on your days off from the office and you’ll most likely find that after the game, when you are drinking beer with your buddies, there might be some hot number hanging out wishing she could have a chance to smell your pheromones.

Summary:

Never waste your time being a “male friend” to a needy and manipulative chick.

Virginia Approaching 1,000 Traffic Fatalities for 2007

White Winter

Graceful dancing snow
Blankets bi-ways and roadways
Crashing cars explode


Gadabout is bewildered by the State’s bewilderment of the fact that traffic deaths are increasing on Virginian roadways despite stepped up safety measures. Here is a little hint for the governor, state police, conceited politicians and soccer moms – the highways in Virginia suck! That’s right, they are in horrible condition and are 25 years behind in construction, design and repair.

Look, I-64 is only 2 lanes between Richmond and Hampton Roads. This highway should have been 3 lanes years ago. Traveling on it is a nightmare!

You want to leave DC and head south on I-95? Good luck to you and make sure you pack a sleeping bag and emergency supplies. I-95 needs an additional lane to Fredericksburg – at a minimum!

Leaving Virginia Beach for points west? Well, there is no expressway at all, and this forces traffic through the tunnels to hit the mountains. That results in more I-64 traffic.

Virginia, if you want to reduce traffic deaths on your roadways then you are going to have to take on debt and build better roads and bridges. It’s really that simple. You can have all the DUI checkpoints imaginable and you’ll only piss off the sober drivers. Invest in the future and stop whining about curious outcomes. Damn it, I won’t always be here to lend a helping hand!

Eastern Time Zone Blows

Monday Night Football

An exciting pass
Beer and chips make me sleepy
Eastern Time sucks


Gadabout lives and breathes in the Eastern Time Zone, and he thinks it sucks the fat man’s ass. It is really tough to finish a Monday Night Football game, World Series or other popular televised event because they don’t end until midnight or later. The marketing juggernauts run our lives and our schedules, and Tivo can’t help us here. The game ends when it ends, and that is that.

I’ve lived in other time zones and believe Central Time is about as good as it gets. Chicago is on Central Time, and Chicago rocks. You can watch Monday Night Football and still make it to the office the next day without having to make excuses about taking the kids to the doctor or daycare. Central Time engenders truthfulness, makes allowances for sleep and allows us to finish the game. Central Time rocks.

Pacific Time is backwards. The games start early on the west coast and everyone is loaded from pounding beers very early in the day. Monday Night Football is history relatively early over there and everyone is wasted by 8:00 PM. They seek second winds and party late on the west coast. Then there is the problem with communicating with Eastern Time friends. Calls made after 7:00 PM from the west and received after 10:00 PM on the east. This makes it very difficult to drink and dial when you live on the west coast.

I vote for Central Time.

Have a Merry Lead-Free Christmas

The Spirit of Christmas

Sub-prime mess ensues
We buy Wii and X-boxes
Beneath plastic trees

Gadabout believes that during this time of the year many of us run here and there, just to get there and here. We scoop up “deals” to place under hastily decorated, store bought plastic Christmas trees. Work schedules and demands of careers steer us in this direction. A direction that is sometimes directionless, and we lost our personal compass that we once held in times past. Good directions and an accurate compass are not always readily at hand. That’s why moments of silence and reflection, away from the hurry of daily living, can engender memories of what is truly good and worthy of praise in life and living.

So, if you are in denial and are one of those people arrested and bound by the very effective commercialization of Christmas, then have a ball. Rage through the mall to buy little Sally with snot running out of her nose her favorite gift as dictated by sparkling advertisements on television. Use that Visa card to scoff up all those shiny toys manufactured by child slave labor in China and other communistic environs. Lead paint for all!

Good luck to all of you this season of family and friendships in finding direction and recovering that neglected compass, or not. I wish and hope the Spirit flows through your heart and soul with great intensity. Oh, and if you are buying gifts for Gadabout, I’ll take the Wii.

Your Friend,

Gadabout J. Jack

Stupid Road Signs

Stupid Road Signs

Unimpeded drive
Smooth sailing along corn fields
End construction sign

Gadabout is curious about construction signs – more specifically, those that read: “END CONSTRUCTION.” It is nice to know that construction has stopped and you can start speeding again. Speeding is fun. But the weird part of “end construction” signs is when you never knew any construction was gong on in the first place. This is troubling.

Well, this troublesome trend (and I see a trend here) seems to have roots in poor management of road projects. I am guessing that that when you motor by “end construction” signs where there was no apparent construction, the construction crew simply left the sign up either through neglect or laziness. Regardless, the buck has to stop somewhere, and the person in charge should be held accountable for their lack of proper oversight.

Other advisory signs torque me off too:

“End School Zone.” Hey, I never knew I was in a school zone, you hillbilly freaks!

“Left Lane Ends.” Everyone merges right and the left lane is open – that sucks.

“Construction Ahead.” Damn it, where’s the construction?

Gadabout asks for feedback.

The American League is Locked

An Indian Killed a Tiger

Indians with bats
Beat, hit…killed a Tiger
Faded pennant dreams

Gadabout sadly concedes defeat for his favorite ball club, the Tigers. Well, there is always next year.

It is all about Cleveland, Boston, New York, and LA.

Sadness and shame.

A Cougar Wearing Librarian Glasses

Photo of future Cougar in training
Cougars on the Hunt

Sipping fresh cocktails
Competing Cougars take aim
Upon young male prey

Gadabout and friends recently spent time together dining and drinking, and during the drinking stage of the evening our discussion wandered to women (no surprise here). Our not so sotto voce musings brought to light two very significant discoveries of the female species that arouse men (and I guess in some cases, other women) that are distinctively separate, yet connected in a jagged, somewhat erotic sort of way.

The first is the thrilling use of eye glasses by women, but not just any style of eyewear. No, it is the librarian style with the black frames that drives men loony. Those simple black spectacles have a hypnotic effect on men, and Gadabout is at a loss for an explanation. They’re sexy and alluring. A plausible explanation may be that they suggest a bridge between intellect and promiscuity, but for whatever reason the effects are immediate and stimulating. In "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” Ferrell’s character falls in love with a member of his PR team played by Amy Adams (as I recall, anyway). Yep, once she took off her wire rimmed lenses we were introduced to a knockout sweetheart. If they were Librarian glasses in the first place we would have demanded that she kept them on!

The second topic was devoted to Cougars. Cougars are older women who prey solely on younger men. A Cougar’s victim is usually no older than an eldest son, and they take great pride in their youth oriented hunting and stalking abilities. You see them out and about in great numbers. They are the forty and fifty set, divorced, wealthy (or nearly so), maintain a stunning appearance, drink expensive wine and booze and travel in packs of two or three. At times, they can be spotted solo, but usually this is only after others in the pack have separated themselves for the purpose of making a kill.

Okay, put your thinking caps on and envision a Cougar wearing librarian glasses. I just got a little dizzy, please excuse me while I get a drink of water...I’m back now! That was close—I almost fainted. This discovery is so very powerful, and I expect social change in the behaviors of Cougars worldwide. This is cutting edge stuff and you heard it first from Gadabout Jack! Buy stock immediately in any company that manufactures eyeglass frames for women. This is hot, hot, Cougar hot!

Note: I have set up a poll on the right side of this page. Take advantage of this rare opportunity to vote and share your views. Remember, you can check more than one box.

False Alarm on Rising College Costs

MSU's Campus
College Life

Sky-high rising costs
Tuition, housing and books!
Football and beer bongs.

Gadabout is throwing up the Red Flag concerning the rapidly ringing alarm bells over the costs of higher education. On the surface it seems to the average American that 9% increases in tuition fees are unjust, appalling and out of control. Nonsense, college is still a bargain. A 9% increase in Tuition does not equate to a 9% increase in total college costs, because related costs of housing, food, books and other fees are not increasing by the same amount. The reason that tuition costs exceed inflation rates is because Americans keep saying NO to increases in state taxes, resulting in flat contributions by the states to their university systems.

I ran the numbers for Michigan State University (MSU)—Gadabout’s Alma Mater. MSU recently announced an increase in tuition rates by 9.4% for the 2007/08 academic year. Yep, Michigan is in the dumps and the State has actually REDUCED contributions to MSU. The facts (note: I had to manually adjust tuition costs since their website still posts 2006/07 rates):

Average in-state tuition for undergraduates per credit hour: $282.00
Cost of 15 credit hours (a semester): $4230.00
Housing with meal plan: $3,022.00
Registration and Matriculation fee (per semester): $564.00
Books (a guess here): $500.00
Mad Money: $1,000
Car: Screw ‘um, they don’t need one
One time prep fees for computers, travel and registration: $2,000

Total per semester: $9,316
Total per year: $18,632
Total 4 year cost: $76,528

Is this out of reach for many Americans? No, not if you plan properly, and insist contributions and some sincere effort by little Johnny and Debbie. Here’s how:

Open a college savings plan and contribute $50 per month. If a family were to have started investing in a tax free plan 18 years ago, they would have about $17,460 available NOW for college.

Children can save too. By working for 11 weeks after graduating from High School, at $9 per hour and 40 hours per week, then they should be able to save $1980.

Undergrads can work 10 hours per week while attending college. At $9 per hour that amounts to $2,300 after taxes.

Student loans are a maze, but they are available for students and whether they are tax deferred or not, just about every student can take-on a minimum of $3,500 per year and that amount generally ramps up by a $1,000 per year.

Let’s add up the numbers:
Savings plan: $17,460 (based on 5% rate of return)
Student Contributions: $17,120
Student Loans: $18,000
Total: $52,580

That leaves a deficit of $23,948 that mom and dad will need to cough up, and they only set aside $50 bucks a month in the first place! This equates to only $5,987 per year, and I never touched upon scholarships, increased savings rates, Military Academies, community colleges, Grandmother, contracts with universities to “lock-in" lower rates and so forth. And the $50 per month savings plan was based on money market returns. If that money was invested in the S&P, you would have taken a huge chunk out of the deficit! A 10% rate of return would have compounded to $30,028 over 18 years!

It’s all about the facts, and the facts of life! Stop whining, America, and start planning!

Surf Fishing Mystery Uncovered

Surf Fishing

Casting lines from shore
Thrust into winds, surf and wave
Total consciousness

Gadabout has uncovered a rather curious and seemingly unproductive American pastime. Since Gadabout lives off the tranquil shores of the peaceful and mysterious Chesapeake Bay, he is afforded many opportunities to observe aquatic life forms, sun seekers, joggers, dog walkers, sunsets, thunderstorms and fishermen. Of all there is to do and see along the two miles of shoreline, the most baffling are the surf fishermen. Surf Fishers (SFs) line the banks near a bridge (Lesner Bridge) along the western mouth of the Lynnhaven basin (the heart of Virginia Beach), where they cast lines and wait patiently for a nibble. After 6 years of living here and taking daily walks and jogs along this stretch of beach I have never seen a single fish pulled in from the shore. I have witnessed a few successes from those who wade out 40 feet or so and cast closer to the channel, but never have I actually seen anyone pull in a catch from the shoreline.

SFs are a serious crowd, despite their humble failures. They are usually outfitted with elaborate and expensive gear and tackle. They use white PVC piping that is drilled into the ground to secure their poles. Some of the more advanced SFs own specially designed equipment transportation carts that incorporate special tires to ease soft sand movement. These carts are capable of carrying everything required for a day of fishing; beer, bait, radio, fishing poles, meditation chairs and towels. Very impressive!

Impressive? Yes. Productive? No. They may not be a productive lot, but they certainly seem to enjoy and embrace their pastime. Perhaps it is an advanced form of meditation not shared with the rest of us. Maybe they are achieving a state of consciousness unimaginable to the Dalai Lamas. We're talking serious Zen here! Gadabout is seeking to understand this unusual sliver of the population. Their existence has been uncovered, but a complete understanding of their motives and purposes remains a mystery. This story has only just begun.

I have included photos that were secretly taken on the morning of 7 July, 2007. They are not close-ups, since Gadabout feared being detected, but they do provide proof of their existence and support my claims that they never actually catch fish.