Bifurcation

In the movie, “True Romance,” Christian Slater is out on a date with a hot young chick. The chick says, “There are two types of people in the world, people who like Elvis, and people who like the Beatles. Which are you?” Gadabout sides with the former.

Watching a brief segment of an infomercial on “Time Shares” for vacation homes reminded me of the movie. I thought to myself, Gadabout, there are two types of people in this world; those who buy Time Shares and those who don’t. And the list goes on and on.

Those who ride motorcycles.
Those who golf.
Those who play cards.
Those who drive silly hybrid cars.
Those who drink alcohol.
Those who smoke.
Those who steal.
Those who are honest.
Those who are terrorists.

I think I am really on to something here.

High Time for Tough Action against Pit Bulls

The Enemy Within
Now that we have begun to digest the horrific details of Michael Vick’s woes concerning his evil interests in dog fighting, it may be time for our attention to shift towards the dogs themselves. Gadabout knows that many of his readers are most likely “dog lovers” since many American families boast canine companions, and champion dog rights. But after some shallow research, I have determined that we must start passing tough laws banning dangerous dogs, such as Pit Bulls, from society.

I used Wikipedia as the sole source for building my thesis because I was too lazy to dig deep into the volumes of data out and about. Wikipedia is not always a trusted source, but what source is balanced? That’s why we trust Gadabout Jack; he freely admits to offering biased opinion based upon loose facts, but he is almost always right on the mark!

In 2005, Ontario, Canada, outlawed Pit Bulls. That’s right; the entire Province is Pit Bull free. Sort of like a drug free zone posted around a public school (yeah, those signs work well!). The few grandfathered Pit Bulls had to undergo sterilization to maintain legal status. Good job, Canada!

In America, we don’t think twice about passing “no smoking” laws to protect nonsmokers; we pass “gun laws” to protect the innocents; we post speed limits to save lives and save fuel; and we also set BAC alcohol limits for driving. Take dogs from their owners? Hell no!

Gadabout says, “Outlaw Pit Bull and other dangerous breeds—forever.”

There are nearly 400,000 reported dog attacks on humans in this country every year, and the bulk of them are at the jaws of the mighty and angry Pit Bull. Support Citizens Against Dangerous Dogs (CADD), and make a lasting difference in protecting society.

A Cougar Wearing Librarian Glasses

Photo of future Cougar in training
Cougars on the Hunt

Sipping fresh cocktails
Competing Cougars take aim
Upon young male prey

Gadabout and friends recently spent time together dining and drinking, and during the drinking stage of the evening our discussion wandered to women (no surprise here). Our not so sotto voce musings brought to light two very significant discoveries of the female species that arouse men (and I guess in some cases, other women) that are distinctively separate, yet connected in a jagged, somewhat erotic sort of way.

The first is the thrilling use of eye glasses by women, but not just any style of eyewear. No, it is the librarian style with the black frames that drives men loony. Those simple black spectacles have a hypnotic effect on men, and Gadabout is at a loss for an explanation. They’re sexy and alluring. A plausible explanation may be that they suggest a bridge between intellect and promiscuity, but for whatever reason the effects are immediate and stimulating. In "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” Ferrell’s character falls in love with a member of his PR team played by Amy Adams (as I recall, anyway). Yep, once she took off her wire rimmed lenses we were introduced to a knockout sweetheart. If they were Librarian glasses in the first place we would have demanded that she kept them on!

The second topic was devoted to Cougars. Cougars are older women who prey solely on younger men. A Cougar’s victim is usually no older than an eldest son, and they take great pride in their youth oriented hunting and stalking abilities. You see them out and about in great numbers. They are the forty and fifty set, divorced, wealthy (or nearly so), maintain a stunning appearance, drink expensive wine and booze and travel in packs of two or three. At times, they can be spotted solo, but usually this is only after others in the pack have separated themselves for the purpose of making a kill.

Okay, put your thinking caps on and envision a Cougar wearing librarian glasses. I just got a little dizzy, please excuse me while I get a drink of water...I’m back now! That was close—I almost fainted. This discovery is so very powerful, and I expect social change in the behaviors of Cougars worldwide. This is cutting edge stuff and you heard it first from Gadabout Jack! Buy stock immediately in any company that manufactures eyeglass frames for women. This is hot, hot, Cougar hot!

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