Barack Obama is a Sissy Boy

Gadabout offers you the Haiku form "Renga" which is 5-7-5 with a 7-7 added. Usually this form of poetry is linked between two or more people and can (and have) been linked thousands of times. And yes, Barack is a sissy boy.

Barack’s Creed

Run away and hide
Timetables and troop withdrawals
This is leadership

Columbia and Harvard
Admire me…Admire

One million people
“I’m asking you to believe”
This is leadership

Generation that reshapes
Craft immigration reform

Civil Rights the Economy
“I’m asking you to believe”
Rural Poverty

Wave the white flag and retreat
Admire me…admire

How to Win a Super Bowl

As we are all in agreement, football is the second most favored sport in the world. It falls closely behind baseball, and secures a strong lead over soccer (5th place) in planet earth standings. Sorry soccer fans, but America doesn’t like soccer except for middle and high school distractions that substitute for players whose parents never excelled at football or baseball and are seeking new pathways. “The road less traveled.” Americans don’t pay to watch soccer. Soccer players don’t get paid squat. Soccer is popular in countries where God’s nickname is Allah (the false god). Add it all up and you end up with baseball, football, basketball, hockey and then soccer. Soccer sucks. Soccer ranks 5th. The Super Bowl is cool. The World Series reigns supreme.

Let’s not forget that soccer was created by the minor god, Zeus. Zeus was disappointed by a small band of nonbelievers that populated the now nonexistent Greek Island of Soccerlitie. Soccerlite’s planted crops of corn to be used as fuel to heat their homes in winter instead of grapes to make wine. This pissed off Zeus because it disrupted the free flow of trade and drove up the price of wine futures. In retribution, he decided to punish the entire society. He started off by paralyzing the arms of all males. Then he took an additional step of doubling the size of the women’s asses and covered them with zits. After all that he turned the rains into soccer balls (for a day), and transformed half of cultivated farmlands into soccer fields. Nicely laid out soccer fields; complete with goals, ample parking and concession stands.

Visitors to Soccerlitie took interest in soccer and the game was exported throughout the Mediterranean. The game was popular because the woman did all of the work, and the men ran around staying fit and trim. Even though areas outside of Soccerlitie were not cursed by useless arms and fat asses, they stuck to a common rulebook. That is the history of soccer. Soccer was created out of punishment by the minor god Zeus, and the Christian God turned a blind eye to the whole ordeal and let it slide without further divine intervention. Soccerlitie sank into the sea shortly after Atlantis. The End.

The Super Bowl is an important game in American culture. Americans gamble big time cash on the Super Bowl. (Who gambles on soccer?) Americans party on Super Bowl Sunday. It is a ritual sanctioned by both sides of the aisle. It transcends race and religion. It is cool. But how can you profit from the Super Bowl and get away with it?

The answer has been starring right in the eye for years – you subject an entire team with a nasty flu virus. Not a life threatening virus, just one powerful enough to knock out the entire squad for a week. If the military has the capability to wage biological warfare, why not the Vegas bookies? Sinister? Yes. Effective? Yes. Sinful? I doubt it.

Cloverfield – A film that really sucks

Rob and Beth before they die (camcorder is never seen in the movie)

Gadabout went to the movies Saturday afternoon to check out the new release Cloverfield. How was it? It sucked. I wanted to leave after 10 minutes. I felt sick from the queasy-cam, suck ass filming technique used throughout 99% of the showing. If the chicks weren’t hot, some sort of cool special effects and plenty of people getting smashed and eaten I would have left.

I didn’t leave because I was praying for an end to the use of the damn camcorder. The vertigo was worse than flying instruments in a C-172 in turbulence. If you’ve never flown instruments in a C-172 (it sucks), just go see Cloverfield. After 10 minutes you’ll be qualified as a commercial pilot – show me your ticket stub, and I’ll sign your log book. I want to meet the character “Hud” and kick his ass for shaking the camera for over an hour. Hud, I’m tickled that Godzilla ate your fat ass near the end of the movie. Did I just ruin it for you? Good, then you won’t pay hard earned cash just to get ripped off.

You want more? Rob and Beth die too. Everybody dies. NYC gets wiped out by the government in order to save the world. That’s the ending, but questions remain. Why don’t the characters, especially fat boy Hud, ever get thirsty? How is it that the camcorder runs constantly for 12 hours and never loses battery power? How did the military show up in full force in less than 30 minutes? If Manhattan really gets blow up to kill the monster that sheds little spiders that eat people, how did the camcorder survive? I want answers. I’m still dizzy and pissed off. Oh, and one last question, why was this “mysterious” sea/space monster so pissed off in the first place.

If you see this movie after this warning (and spoiling the ending) then you deserve to die a young and painful death (unless you want me to endorse your log book).

Declaring Victory

Gadabout is certain that the war in Iraq is a done deal. Chalk up another win for the USA, so break out the champagne and run around naked in the streets in Druid-like celebrations. Well, the skinny people should run around naked and drunk. Well, naked women should, not guys. Nobody wants to see a bunch of swinging “packages” so we’ll stick with naked skinny women celebrating in the streets. Let's party!

The Primaries are in full swing and none of the candidates or talking heads are talking war. We have this fantastic holy war going on where the good guys, the guys backed by God, are kicking ass and taking names. Names like Amir and Sadam. Not names like John, Luke or Matthew. The good guys and gals of America go in with guns-a-blazing and claim a premature win in the second quarter. Then the tide turns, we start getting beat up and have to retreat. After taking it in the shorts for a couple of months the democrats and atheists start booing their home team and leave the stadium in droves like Detroit Lions fans. I’ve seen it all on TV, and the TV is true and you can’t prove otherwise. God doesn’t like quitters; that is why Michigan has the highest unemployment rate in the country. He punishes any State where fair-weather fans leave the big game early. Pay attention San Diego.

Then the “Surge.” The very sound of the word “surge” engenders success, and what a success it has become. So much so that it won the war. Let me ask you this, if we haven’t won the war, why don’t we hear about losing the war any longer? I’m waiting for an answer. I’ll tell you why. It’s because it’s no longer a war, it is an occupation -- that’s why. And those who stuck it out and stayed through the entire game and supported the team will be rewarded by the grace of God. Unfortunately, Hillary voted for the war and treaded very lightly during the quitting phase. She may have been stuffing her face with hotdogs and nachos in the concession area, but she didn’t leave the stadium. God likes Hillary, Allah likes Edwards, and Obama is a war atheist which means he doesn’t have any God on his side.

The Surge has worked, we won the war and it’s high time the candidates start using this victory as a plank. I don’t want to hear about leadership, sub-prime, healthcare or budgets. I want to hear about victory celebrations. I want to drink beer in the streets with naked skinny chicks. Gadabout stayed for the entire game.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 10, Divorce

The best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to never get married in the first place. This sounds good in theory, but is seldom practiced. Men and women alike snuggle up to the fairytale dream of children, landscaped lawns, and fireplaces. The image is too strong to resist and we flock towards the Pastor, $50,000 receptions and honeymoons. Ah yes, the honeymoon. “I’ll love you until the day I die (or you die).”

Funny thing is most marriages don’t make it to the death stage. Couples “grow apart” these days. Bullshit, they hate each other. He’s pissed off because she stopped working after baby number two, and she still melts the American Express card like a drunken sailor in Taiwan. He throws his dirty socks in the corner after playing rugby with the boys and drinks too much. Tempers flare, mothers are used as sounding boards, the bedroom becomes frigid and harmony is lost. At this stage the cars are no longer waxed on the weekend, burgers are bought instead of grilled on the Weber, and the lawn becomes overrun with weeds. The seeds of destruction have been sowed. Crap!

It is of utmost importance that the male recognize the current state of a failing marriage and take immediate action. Pretending that matters will correct themselves is foolhardy and dangerous. If divorce is imminent, the male is already too late to the party. By this time the female has already secured counsel, built an air tight case and has brainwashed the children. All of this was accomplished while “stupid boy” was at work providing for the family.

The solution to protecting yourself is to be proactive. Being active, tentative, and a problem solver will pay big dividends when leveraging your case against hers. Examples of positive action follow:

- Seek professional counseling first. The counselor will suggest co-counseling and you will heed these words. Strike first!

- Buy flowers and use a credit card to maintain a history of giving.

- Take the children to the movies and attend all school functions.

- Run for a position on the civic league.

- Limit alcohol consumption. Take over duties as designated driver for your wife.

- Stash away $10,000 in cash as a rainy day fund.

- Suggest a trip to the in-laws.

- Volunteer for a charity.

- Work late over a period of nights that suggests you are screwing around. If you get accused of wrong doing your case will be air tight and embarrass the female. This will demonstrate a pattern of unfounded mistrust and clearly show a paranoid profile of the wife.

All of this will come out in marriage counseling and you will smell like a rose!

Summary:
Divorce is an outcrop of the female’s distrust of all male activities, dirty socks and beer drinking. It has nothing to do with women quitting their jobs, getting fat or over spending. The female prepares for divorce early in the relationship so must be outmaneuvered by the male through the use of offense and surprise.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 9, USDA Stamp of Approval

Chicks swarm to dudes that are already in relationships. It is a law of nature – the more deeply a man is committed to another, the more desirable his Y-chromosome becomes. Hey, if another female has determined there is undisputed value attached to guy, then perhaps he might be worth fighting for. It is akin to a USDA stamp of approval, and women like labels. DKNY, Liz Claiborne, Chanel, Manolo Blahnik, Coach, Dooney & Burke are all labels and are all desirable. Women flock to labels and “boy friend, fiancé, and husband” are labels for men. “Single Dude” represents the unknown. “What is wrong with him, why isn’t he married by now?” they whisper while sipping drinks bought by single dudes.

Let’s simply accept the fact that women are cunning and ruthless in their pursuit of other women’s men. If we accept this is fact, then it is obvious why wives never trust their husbands because they are fully aware of the “Prime USDA” label attached to her mate. She is also aware that women are ruthless and will steal without hesitation. Even best friends, siblings and cousins (and in rare occasions mothers and daughters) will lie, cheat and steal satisfy their primal instincts. It’s tough to rely upon social norms, beliefs and values when you’re up against DNA coded software written by God himself. Women just can’t help it.

The lesson here is that if you’re in a dry spell, the solution is staring you in the face. All you have to declare is that you are “engaged.” That’s right, fake it. “Hey, you’re really wonderful, but I’m engaged to a really wonderful woman.” Keep a photo of an attractive chick in your wallet to prove it. Maybe you could be engaged to a dead chick, and you’re not over it yet. That will soften someone up. “He is so incredibly dedicated, and handsome, and is still dedicated to “Kelly Anne” who tragically died after being T-boned by a drunk driver. Wedding rings work too, and are readily available – just borrow one from a divorced friend. Be creative. Be happy. Be selective.

Summary:

Women steal men from other women. Chicks find men in relationships more attractive than single men. Wives are aware of this fact and this knowledge accounts for nearly 100% of distrust in marriage. Avail yourself to deception if it means the difference of going home alone or the opposite.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 8, Paying the Tab

One aspect of courtship is dinning and movie going. Until about 1980 it was expected that the male flip for the entire bill. There were very few exceptions to this rule. The guy paid for everything, drove and opened all doors. The scenario ran like a champ because women made less money than men, they expected to be treated like ladies and guys have superior driving skills. Today the world is turned upside down regarding equality, but surprisingly men still pay the lion’s share of dating. This has to change, and it is up to all men to level the playing field.

One way to level the playing field is to keep women down professionally, but that tactic has been successfully challenged in the courts of law and has failed. Women are allowed, legally, to displace men in the workforce. They are pilots, doctors, lawyers and even firefighters. Okay, honey, you took the job so how about tossing cash at that $100 bar tab? How about you pay it without making a weak silly gesture for the bill as the “chick” waitress places the bill in front of the dude? Why not offer to pick up the dude when plans are made? The reason you don’t is because you are a “princess” and princesses don’t involve themselves with trite matters of transportation and finance.

Now to be fair to the fairer sex, it should be noted that more and more woman are waking up and smelling the greenback. Being flush with cash, this select sect will pay for a dinner and even offer to drive. These chicks are cool and should be respected even though they displaced a male from making it big by taking his medical school slot. We call this progress, so I’ll play along.

There is a lesson here. That lesson is to utilize a tactic of paying for everything to observe the female’s responses over time. This analysis should take in factors such as ability to pay, income, family situation, attractiveness and personality. If the female is average across the board, but is flush with cash she sure as hell better offer to pay very early on in the relationship. If, on the other hand, she is a solid “9” and is struggling to finish graduate school in literature, then we might have to cut her some slack. Remember, they receive diamonds and we get the all-in-one screwdriver. Maybe paying for dinner and drinks is a small price for her to pay for a lifetime opportunity to take a male to the cleaners for life.

Summary

Women demanded a level playing field and they were rewarded for their efforts. Use equality to determine the coolness of a chick by tracking how often she offers to drive or pay the tab. This is a legal form of discrimination, and men need all the tools available to make sound judgments in his eternal pursuit of happiness.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 7, Gift Buying

Over a course of a lifetime a man is confronted with hundreds of birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s days, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and other “special” check marks on the calendar held special by a female where gifts are expected. If you miss “giving” during any of these observed charity days then you are severely punished. You’ll be ignored, scoffed upon and be forced to practice celibacy. Years later the tears will flow like Niagara during counseling sessions. Counseling sessions mediated by females of the sisterhood, where you’ll take the lion’s share of the blame and humiliation. The point is that you’re screwed because you’ll never be able to keep up with her wishes, dreams and most importantly her wants. You’ll satisfy her about a third of the time with your Neanderthal abilities to remember “hints” and select the perfect gift for every occasion, so acclimate yourself to failure. Failure and disgrace are your bedfellows.

It matters little that you’ll receive thoughtless gifts throughout the year. There will be the all in one screwdriver, shirts that don’t fit and books you have no intention of reading. On occasion she will hit the mark with a GPS for the car or sanction the idea of a new drum set or guitar, but those moments will be random and spread far apart over many years. Since most of the gifts you receive suck, and you are a man of honesty, it is difficult to effectively game-face satisfaction. You try to look the part of the happy man, but it is tough. Men don’t really give a rat’s ass about gifts and generally keep expectations low, but females care – they care a lot. Since you’re not a good liar, she sees through your thin and opaque veneer like a superhero. In this sense you cause an emotional stir equally as negative as the pointless gifts you give to her. The sad aspect of all of this is that you don’t care, but she does. She cares a great deal and will remember every failure you make for a lifetime. Women are like elephants – they never forget.

What men need to take away from this lesson is that you are always a loser when gifts are involved. You lose when giving and lose when receiving. But you wonder, “Is there a win scenario?” The answer is maybe and it all depends on your social and economical status. It all comes down to cold hard cash, and it is only a temporary fix because the final outcomes are diminished retirement and savings accounts. Yep, buy her diamonds, country club memberships and trips to Rome. All you are accomplishing is raising the bar with every swipe of the American Express card. “Those diamonds earrings are too small,” she whispers to her friend as they giggle in the corner. “He is so inept,” they shake their heads in unison.

Men die younger than woman because of gifting. Men are forced to work longer hours on the assembly lines and in the posh towers of high stakes finance – all to fund bigger and better gifts for the female. It’s a fact, you can look it up.

So what are you waiting for? If you are always going to be the loser boy, then stop caring altogether. Spend your free cash on yourself. She will always accrue what she really wants anyway, so lash back at the machine and buy that new set of golf clubs and don’t bother yourself with grief in the slightest. Screw it. They end up with everything in the end anyway.

Summary:
Men never win when it comes to giving or receiving gifts. You cannot be trusted to buy the perfect gift and you will never give the correct emotion response. Females view you as emotionless and inept. Sadly, you're offered only two choices in life: The first is to throw cash at the problem, and second is to stop caring. Throwing money raises the proverbial “bar” and leads to financial ruin. Not caring leads to happiness. You make the choice.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 6, Marriage

Gadabout believes that most men are not ready for marriage until they are at least in their thirties. Sure, you get past a few rough years having to glean autumn fields for nourishment and you are hungry by 23. College is in the past and adulthood is reflected in the mirror. You have a job now and feel the need to settle down, especially after being mauled by hungry cougars. Some of your buddies are married now and you have lost touch with them because they do married things; like have couples over for dinner and landscape yards. Dinners and landscaping represent stability just like Dad's lawn mower and woodshop. Maybe, you think, it's time for a family. Isn't that sweet? Guess what? Your only reward will be a quarter of the closet littered with women's shoes.

Wake up and smell the gun powder my fine friend. In fifteen years from today half of those cozy couples will be divorced and your pal will be nothing more than a tattered mess of a middle aged man. He will be paying child support to kids who hate his inner core of being because of the propaganda machine his ex keeps operating on overtime. He is living in a lousy two bedroom apartment furnished with discarded furniture and is driving a busted up Chevy. He smiles because he finally has freedom, but it fades quickly when he spots his ex cocktailing and hitting on 21 year old surfer dudes. His blood pressure is creeping up and he can’t fit into his blue jeans. His girlfriend is cute, but dumb as a rock and says, “Absolutely,” in response to every point he makes in conversation.

My advice to all young men is to take a deep breath before asking Ms Almost Perfect to stand on the alter together and commit to a binding contract of law. Time is on your side. The next time she asks a stupid question like, “Do I look fat in this dress,” say, “Yes.” Turn the TV on and wait for the riposte.

Summary

All marriages end in either death or divorce, so why rush into anything that always has an unhappy ending. Time is on your side.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 5, Cougars

Supply and Demand

Out of the jungle
Races a sleek, trim Cougar
Her prey surrenders


A first encounter with a Cougar will throw a young man off balance. It will rock his world. It will forever alter his perception of social norms and boundaries. Cougars are fierce creatures created out of the collapse of an idealist belief and value system. A system destroyed by divorce, and replaced with a renewed vigor towards sexuality in an attempt to make up for lost time. Cougars feed upon young men, and these willing targets are ripe for the taking. But why?

Cougars and their partners vary greatly in age. For simplicity, we’ll examine the college student male and the thirty-something female. The male is, let’s say 21, and has been repeatedly denied the affection of females his own age. He has spent too many Sunday mornings waking up hung-over with an empty wallet. Women his own age tease him and tempt him. They accept free dinners and drinks, and then skedaddle. Frustration builds in the young man and he begins to lose hope and faith. He loses hope and faith until he meets the Cougar.

The Cougar is fairly attractive, mature and has been around the block. She has two children in grade school or middle school, an ex-husband who split with the trailer park chick he met at a bar, and hasn’t enjoyed the touch of a man for years. She is lonely. She is starting to work out again. She envisions a “self” reflective of her college years when she once enjoyed free drinks and could skedaddle. She demands a return to youth, and no one is going to stop her.

A Cougar and her young man is a perfect pair. He is distraught over neglect from his contemporaries, and so is she. Who is she going to date? Men her age are either married, freshly divorced and looking for younger females or are living in his parent’s basement playing video games. She is too proud to date older men because that would be a step backwards. Older men have bellies and snore. A middle ground is discovered that is beneficial to both parties.

This is a period of social change and confusion for women in their mid twenties. As young men meet older Cougars, fewer men are available for dating, free dinners and drinks. “Where are all the good men?” they ask one another. This confusion leads to women making blind grabs at any available men their own age for marriage. It’s sort of like a banking panic where depositors claw on closing doors. The cycle begins.

Summary:

Cougars are cunning creatures and will stop at nothing to seek attention and affection. They target much younger men because they are willing and feel neglected. Cougars disrupt the supply and demand of available males, resulting in confusion and social change.

A Cougar Wearing Librarian Glasses

Photo of future Cougar in training
Cougars on the Hunt

Sipping fresh cocktails
Competing Cougars take aim
Upon young male prey

Gadabout and friends recently spent time together dining and drinking, and during the drinking stage of the evening our discussion wandered to women (no surprise here). Our not so sotto voce musings brought to light two very significant discoveries of the female species that arouse men (and I guess in some cases, other women) that are distinctively separate, yet connected in a jagged, somewhat erotic sort of way.

The first is the thrilling use of eye glasses by women, but not just any style of eyewear. No, it is the librarian style with the black frames that drives men loony. Those simple black spectacles have a hypnotic effect on men, and Gadabout is at a loss for an explanation. They’re sexy and alluring. A plausible explanation may be that they suggest a bridge between intellect and promiscuity, but for whatever reason the effects are immediate and stimulating. In "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” Ferrell’s character falls in love with a member of his PR team played by Amy Adams (as I recall, anyway). Yep, once she took off her wire rimmed lenses we were introduced to a knockout sweetheart. If they were Librarian glasses in the first place we would have demanded that she kept them on!

The second topic was devoted to Cougars. Cougars are older women who prey solely on younger men. A Cougar’s victim is usually no older than an eldest son, and they take great pride in their youth oriented hunting and stalking abilities. You see them out and about in great numbers. They are the forty and fifty set, divorced, wealthy (or nearly so), maintain a stunning appearance, drink expensive wine and booze and travel in packs of two or three. At times, they can be spotted solo, but usually this is only after others in the pack have separated themselves for the purpose of making a kill.

Okay, put your thinking caps on and envision a Cougar wearing librarian glasses. I just got a little dizzy, please excuse me while I get a drink of water...I’m back now! That was close—I almost fainted. This discovery is so very powerful, and I expect social change in the behaviors of Cougars worldwide. This is cutting edge stuff and you heard it first from Gadabout Jack! Buy stock immediately in any company that manufactures eyeglass frames for women. This is hot, hot, Cougar hot!

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