Wanderings Without a Cell Phone

Canada: it is a large country north of the USA -- really!

Gadabout is battling withdrawal from his cell phone. I didn’t lose the phone, nor did I fail to plan cell details before trekking off on my most recent peregrination into the northern environs of Parry Sound, Ontario. No, I changed my service plan with Verizon well in advance, but after crossing the pitiful border onto Canadian soil the phone just F%$#ing quit working. The Network, My Network, the dude on TV and all of his pals dumped my ass at the border crossing and have not caught up yet. Cell phones suck. Verizon sucks.

Sure, I was searched at the boarder too. It seems that vacationing balding middle aged men poise a serious threat to national security. “Anything to declare?” asks the punk kid with a silly looking uniform. “No,” I reply. “Fine, pull over there,” as he points a pale finger at the inspection station, “and talk to them.” The little shit even simled.

This is Canada, the fifty-first State, our pals to the north. No cell phones, eh? No balding retired naval officers allowed, eh? But you’ll take my cash, right? Eh. Well at least the women are hot, and the beer is cold. Eh? I vote to make Canada a state of the US of A -- stuff might start working up here.

Dear Gadabout Jack: Bachelor Spending

Dear Gadabout Jack,

I've had a hell of a week, it's only Monday, and the forecast looks even bleaker for the rest of the week. All your talk of saving up for college has made this bachelor think that it is high time I make an investment in my soul. Your many successful days as a bachelor have been inspirational to many and some have even referred to you as the "the Godfather." I digress...I want to spend some money for no good reason other than I can. What has been your best bachelor purchase under three grand? Lastly, what was Nova Scotia like?

God be with you,
Bachelor with Money Burning a Hole in My Pocket

Dear Bachelor Packing Burning Cash: Gadabout has confronted his inner most demons over this topic and I am enthusiastic to share my advice and offer shallow opinions. Yes, so often I have pondered how to squalor away vast sums of cash in pursuit of discovering the true self. It is not a simple task, and I regard your inquiry with great respect and admiration. You asked about Nova Scotia, so I’ll have to tell you that it was fantastic and that every young man should avail himself to a summer enjoying the pleasantries of the Canadian Eastern Provinces. Canada is very cool and the women are beautiful—lots of French influence! Canada is the foundation for this adventure. Canada is great.

I was pulled over for speeding just south of Halifax, and when the Copper noticed I was in the military he let me off the hook. All I told him was that I flew fighters for the navy and that was it. He was genuinely proud of me. Now, that is cool. It is easy to forget a face or an event, but I’ll never forget that guy—ever! That doesn't happen in Virginia.

Okay, this is what you do with $3,000. You research Nova Scotia and find out some really cool facts about the place. The television program “Trailer Park Boys” is filmed there, so you’ll need to youTube in advance. They also have had UFO sightings. Go to those places! And lastly, hire on as a hand on a fishing boat for a few days and enjoy meeting the common public! You’ll come back home with a fresh outlook on life and be a better person for it. Live, my fine young friend—LIVE!

The Budget (9 days):

Flowers for Mum: $50.00
Dinner with girlfriend before departing: $110.00
Airline fare: $400.00
Rental car: $400.00
Lodging: $1,000.00 (you’ll sleep on the beach a few nights)
Food: $400.00
Stupid gifts: $100.00
Booze: $300.00
A cool gift to yourself: $100.00
“The Tab’s on me:” $100.00
Stuff you forgot to pack: $100.00
Misc.: $100.00

Total $3,160

And remember, you must take this trip with a trusted buddy. Never forget the “Buddy System.” And if you go with a buddy, he’ll pick up part of the expenses, so you should be able to accomplish your mission for under $3,000.

My best buy for $3,000? Memories! You’ll be buying memories with this trip to Nova Scotia. Execute Plan Alpha.