Friday, August 7, 2009

A Focus Group

With all the contention over health care reform, cash for clunkers, and cap and trade; maybe it is time to sit back and take stock of our collective American blessings. There are blessings to feel blessed about and to prove it I have transcribed recordings of a focus group I organized. The group consisted of twelve individuals (4 liberals, 4 moderates, 4 conservatives, and Gadabout the Independent) and was held in a modest conference room at the local library.

Gadabout (I): Okay, let’s count our collective American blessings. Let’s talk about what is RIGHT with America.
Bruce (C): The 2nd Amendment. The right to bare arms!
Kimberly (L): Fuck you, Bruce, you pathetic hillbilly.
Bruce (C): [brandishes his 9mm] How about I shove this down your suck-hole, bitch! Then you can start counting your blessings!
Gadabout (I): Whoa, let’s put the weapons down and get back to business.
[Bruce reluctantly holsters his 9mm. Kimberly stops shaking and realizes she has peed her pants. Kimberly excuses herself.]
Kimberly (L): Fuck all of you people.
Charlie (C): Well, I feel blessed that we have a country were I can ride my motorcycle. Ride it clear across the fruited plains!
Lance (L): Fuck you, Charlie, you homophobe. You prick!
Charlie (C): What? I just like riding my bike. What is wrong with that?
Lance (L): It is an expression of excessive wealth, you fuck!
[Bruce produces his 9mm, and Lance faints and shit's himself]
Gadabout (I): FUCK!
Joe (C): Now that is funny! I fell blessed just being here and watching all of this go down.
Tiffany (L): You would feel blessed, you pompous prick. Lance had a tough life. He grew up with an overbearing father. You think it is funny that he just shit himself?
Joe (C): Well, yes. I find that hilarious, to be honest.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you, Joe. All you white middle class guys get all the breaks, and you have all the wealth. Fuck you.
Joe (C): Lance is a successful screen actor. He is worth millions.
Tiffany (L): Fuck you.
Dan (L): Yeah, fuck all of fuck faces.
Gadabout (I): FUCK!

[The Moderates never had a chance to talk]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Clearly Bruce is a poser...he's carrying a 9mm. If he was a real American, he'd a had himself a .45!