Friday, December 28, 2007

Not Knowing What You Want to Know

Martin Tankleff is out of prison and I bet you didn’t even hear the news. Who is Martin Tankleff? Well, he is a dude who was convicted in 1990 of killing his parents when he was 17 years old. The news reports indicate that he might not have done it, so an appeals court threw out the ruling. Out comes Martin from behind bars with a smile on his smug fat face and receding hairline. Gadabout wants to know the obvious – did he really bludgeon his parents to death? Inquiring minds want to know!

We’ll never know though, because Martin will maintain his innocence to the grave. If he did do it, then he is a psycho. If he didn’t do, we’ll never know because the case is too old and we’ll never believe a single word out of Martin’s mouth.

Did OJ really kill his wife? A lot of people think he did, but there is still mystery. Gadabout believes he slashed up Nicole and her boyfriend (what was his name?), but WE DON”T KNOW PROOF POSITIVE. “If I did it!”

It has been said that every inmate is innocent – according to the inmate. This makes me wonder how many are really innocent and how many get away with crimes that are blamed on others.

Did Martin beat the crap out of his mother and father? I don’t know, but I want to know, but know that I’ll never know. The glove don't fit.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

New Year’s Celebrations

Gadabout has observed a shift in how Americans celebrate the New Year. It seems not long ago everyone would pile over at a friend’s house and party into the early morning hours. Sure, there was always the option of making a special trip to New York (I have that check in the block and do not need to repeat it) or another activity on the gigantic scale. Now there seems to be corporate events sponsored at large hotels and convention centers where all one has to do is pay cash up front and all is supplied. Supplies like live music, food, alcohol, hot chicks, party favors and the like. Isn’t that nice? All you need is a wad of cash and your happiness is secured for the entire evening.

I guess this “special events” have come about from DUI arrests and convictions (I have never been convicted). You pay the tab and the hotel will assist you in finding a way home, or you stay in the hotel with dreams of getting lucky. Most likely finding the toilet to barf in will be as lucky as you get – but hey, you are safe and sound and are only $400 in the hole. Not bad when compared to a night in jail and court costs.

Another type of celebration has popped up also, and that is the celebration of staying home and hanging out with just a few friends. No driving and maybe playing cards and listening to some good music is enough fun for the night. I have tried this option and it works like a champ.

Yep, going out to a bash hosted by friends that live ten miles away has fallen by the wayside. It was fun while it lasted. We either end up at the hotel party or within walking distance of the house. Times have changed. The lampshade over your head at midnight is a fading memory. Sadness.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Gadabout Went on the Cheap

Even though Gadabout prays for heavy holiday spending, he went on the cheap this year. Holiday spending is good for the economy and stock market (so we’re told) and since I am a middle class nobody with simple financial holdings, it is always nice to see some meager growth instead of a decline. Maybe this is why I spend during the holidays at all – I want to see my portfolio grow!

Now, I say I went cheap, but that is in comparison to past years when I have blown the Olympian wad on bundles of junk that seldom sees the light of day. Yes, I bought some cool stuff this year, but I didn’t go nuts either. The spirit of spending was just not in my blood as in years past, but I do hope it boils over in the majority of the population. I dream of melting credit cards and stacks of cash trading hands. I dream of a rising Dow, Nasdaq, and S&P. I dream and savor the thought of my own personal holdings growing in light of credit crunches and a mysterious World Bank interventions. What the hell is the World Bank anyway? I cannot find a single branch office in Virginia, and Virginia is part of the world, isn’t it?

It is Christmas Eve, so get out there and spend yourself into deep and everlasting debt in a quiet quest of keeping Gadabout afloat in 2007. What are you waiting for? Go! Buy a new car, jewelry and electronics!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Gym Etiquette

Gadabout spends a great deal of his already busy schedule tossing iron around the gymnasium to keep fit and trim. It is sacrifice with rewards – the best kind of sacrifice on the planet. The outcomes from the hard work are important and appealing, but there are setbacks. One of the most irritating setbacks and nuisances of toning and sculpting is the “other dude.” Yes, the other dude who repeatedly violates gym etiquette and disrupts the routine of others.

This morning was no exception with other dude encounters. During this morning’s very productive workout session I was working biceps and shoulders with dumbbells when I noticed this dude sitting on a flat bench about 12 feet north of my position glancing over at me. Glancing is a violation in itself, but I knew something else was going through his pea brain and prepared myself for etiquette violation. It didn’t take long. You see, I was working near an identical flat bench and the “other dude” wanted to use “my” bench. Why is unclear. He just did. “Are you using this bench?” he asked. I wasn’t really using it; I was just working close to it. I told him that I was not using it, but I was thinking was what a dumb ass he is. He was sitting on an identical bench! Being the gentleman I am, I moved my stuff over near his bench and relinquished mine.

There are all sorts of gym violators out in society. There is the grunter, the slammer, the sweater, the meat gazer, machine hogs, I-Pod wearing singers and the list goes on. I think most of these violators will eventually end up in jail or in hell. Hell, maybe both. I say let's steal their identities and ruin their credit.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Virginia Approaching 1,000 Traffic Fatalities for 2007

White Winter

Graceful dancing snow
Blankets bi-ways and roadways
Crashing cars explode

Gadabout is bewildered by the State’s bewilderment of the fact that traffic deaths are increasing on Virginian roadways despite stepped up safety measures. Here is a little hint for the governor, state police, conceited politicians and soccer moms – the highways in Virginia suck! That’s right, they are in horrible condition and are 25 years behind in construction, design and repair.

Look, I-64 is only 2 lanes between Richmond and Hampton Roads. This highway should have been 3 lanes years ago. Traveling on it is a nightmare!

You want to leave DC and head south on I-95? Good luck to you and make sure you pack a sleeping bag and emergency supplies. I-95 needs an additional lane to Fredericksburg – at a minimum!

Leaving Virginia Beach for points west? Well, there is no expressway at all, and this forces traffic through the tunnels to hit the mountains. That results in more I-64 traffic.

Virginia, if you want to reduce traffic deaths on your roadways then you are going to have to take on debt and build better roads and bridges. It’s really that simple. You can have all the DUI checkpoints imaginable and you’ll only piss off the sober drivers. Invest in the future and stop whining about curious outcomes. Damn it, I won’t always be here to lend a helping hand!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Gadabout Jack 2008 – Your Polarized Candidate

Gadabout is throwing his hat in the ring for the 2008 presidential elections, and he is asking for your support. All you have to do is “write in” Gadabout J Jack, and you’ll have me at your service as President! It has a nice ring to it; President Gadabout Jack. I like it.

My Platform:

Fixing Social Security. We need to raise additional funds to ensure our seniors are protected against inflated dollars and fixed incomes. I support raising the maximum FICA withholdings tax rate from $97,000 to $150,000, and adjusting this limit each year automatically based on inflation rates. Yes, higher income earners will pay more and not realize an increase in their social security benefits, but that is too bad for them.

Income Taxes. I support the status quo regarding taxation. The IRS isn’t going away so we need to stop fighting and learn to keep manipulating current structures. Capital gains taxes should be lowered to 10 percent to bolster investment. Estate Taxes should remain constant also. Sorry to disappoint you, but someone has to pay the bills and dead people are a perfect target.

Infrastructure. America needs to rapidly and immediately rebuild our highways, bridges, rail systems and airports. Improved transportation systems will improve efficiencies, lower our dependence on foreign oil and save lives. We cannot afford not to invest, in the form of additional debt, to regain prominence in our beloved infrastructure.

Immigration. I believe that walls should be torn down. Mexicans are hard working, Christian, and civilized. We need all the Mexican immigrants we can get our arms around. Envision 20 million new citizens paying taxes, working hard and not causing a lot of trouble. I will tear the wall down.

Education. Higher level education policy remains largely unchanged with the exception that “means” testing will be elevated. Low interest rate loans for millionaires are unacceptable. Subsidized low interest rate loans for the lower classes are unacceptable also. Loans will be at market rates and the subsidy aspect will remain as a grace period after graduation.

The War. America has interests in Iraq and ajacent environs. You kill us, and we'll return the favor. Permanent bases in Iraq are needed in order to send a message to Muslum terrorists that we mean business.

Energy. We need to drill for oil in every corner of our empire to send the Mideast economies into ruin. We'll figure the rest out later after the dust clears.

Medical Care. This plank is under construction.

A vote for Gadabout is a vote for prosperity! Vote for Gadabout Jack 2008.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Eastern Time Zone Blows

Monday Night Football

An exciting pass
Beer and chips make me sleepy
Eastern Time sucks

Gadabout lives and breathes in the Eastern Time Zone, and he thinks it sucks the fat man’s ass. It is really tough to finish a Monday Night Football game, World Series or other popular televised event because they don’t end until midnight or later. The marketing juggernauts run our lives and our schedules, and Tivo can’t help us here. The game ends when it ends, and that is that.

I’ve lived in other time zones and believe Central Time is about as good as it gets. Chicago is on Central Time, and Chicago rocks. You can watch Monday Night Football and still make it to the office the next day without having to make excuses about taking the kids to the doctor or daycare. Central Time engenders truthfulness, makes allowances for sleep and allows us to finish the game. Central Time rocks.

Pacific Time is backwards. The games start early on the west coast and everyone is loaded from pounding beers very early in the day. Monday Night Football is history relatively early over there and everyone is wasted by 8:00 PM. They seek second winds and party late on the west coast. Then there is the problem with communicating with Eastern Time friends. Calls made after 7:00 PM from the west and received after 10:00 PM on the east. This makes it very difficult to drink and dial when you live on the west coast.

I vote for Central Time.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Gadabout Holiday Spam

Internet spam collected from secret sources.

To All My Democrat Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Have a Merry Lead-Free Christmas

The Spirit of Christmas

Sub-prime mess ensues
We buy Wii and X-boxes
Beneath plastic trees

Gadabout believes that during this time of the year many of us run here and there, just to get there and here. We scoop up “deals” to place under hastily decorated, store bought plastic Christmas trees. Work schedules and demands of careers steer us in this direction. A direction that is sometimes directionless, and we lost our personal compass that we once held in times past. Good directions and an accurate compass are not always readily at hand. That’s why moments of silence and reflection, away from the hurry of daily living, can engender memories of what is truly good and worthy of praise in life and living.

So, if you are in denial and are one of those people arrested and bound by the very effective commercialization of Christmas, then have a ball. Rage through the mall to buy little Sally with snot running out of her nose her favorite gift as dictated by sparkling advertisements on television. Use that Visa card to scoff up all those shiny toys manufactured by child slave labor in China and other communistic environs. Lead paint for all!

Good luck to all of you this season of family and friendships in finding direction and recovering that neglected compass, or not. I wish and hope the Spirit flows through your heart and soul with great intensity. Oh, and if you are buying gifts for Gadabout, I’ll take the Wii.

Your Friend,

Gadabout J. Jack

Friday, December 7, 2007

Why it Doesn’t Matter to Reggie

It appears that Reggie Bush, star running back and Heisman Trophy recipient, may have to cough up the coveted award two years after earning it. It doesn’t matter, though, because it, the Trophy, is just a thing – nothing but a thing. It’s just a Trophy for crying out loud and Reggie Bush is making millions as a professional football player for the Saints. He might not be a Saint in the biblical sense, but he is a saint nonetheless.

After reading Reggie’s Bio, Gadabout can’t really blame Reggie for a bit of foul play off the field that may strip him of the Heisman and USC of a national title. Titles aren’t even things, they are simply memories. It’s hard to strip away memories and say they never happened – unless you are very old and suffer from Alzheimer’s. Sometimes woman (after leading a sultry past) will become “born again virgins,” but that is another story. The point is losing a trophy or a title means so little to a young man of modest means trying to make some cash. And the cash he and his family took was not tarnished drug or gun money. It was just sports cash, banking on a comer. That comer was in the shape of an uninjured Reggie Bush making it to the pros and opening up the cash register. No pros – no soup for you – go sell insurance.

All you Ivy League sissies with manicures and legacies of wealth can pack sand. You were led to the golden temple on coattails. And all you laid off auto workers with an attitude can pack the same sand too because Reggie was working his ass off while you were smoking pot and drinking beer. And you, you in the middle, you who went to a state university and are barely hanging on to six figures and need a new car – what would you have done? Nothing but a thing.