Friday, December 26, 2008

An Interview with Gadabout Jack

File photo of Gadabout and Kate Winslet

It's Christmas time and Gadabout was hanging out with himself, so they took advantage of the opportunity and staged an impromptu interview. You are treated to this interview.

Gadabout Jack: Gadabout, it’s great that you could spare a few moments of your time for an interview.

Gadabout: My pleasure, Jack. Glad to be here.

Gadabout Jack: Well, it’s been quite a year. What’s your take on the state of the nation post election?

Gadabout: It really boils down to just a few fundamental value plays. The first is greed. Our Wall Street friends played the mega million game for far too long. $500 million compensation packages are unsustainable, promote dishonest business practices and further the divide between the haves and the have-nots. Even the middle class has lost a sense of hope, and when those in the middle deeply distrust corporate America we have some very real problems in this country.

Gadabout Jack: There are those who argue corporate compensation is just, and should be driven by free market economic forces.

Gadabout: Let’s not forget that the only free markets are the black markets. Our markets are not free; they are regulated, taxed, protected and manipulated. The point is that we throw about labels, such as free and open to promote an image of ideals that do not exist.

Gadabout Jack: I take it that you are implying that we are a socialist nation?

Gadabout: Absolutely. Look, we are a society of governmental programs. We tend to look past and ignore this aspect of governance when it affects our own personal lives. We are myopic and self centered. Altruism and philanthropy are dying, and are being replaced with bureaucracies and retirement programs. The billionaires are running abroad with their bounty – that or blowing their brains out from the anxiety of failing. Take Madoff, for instance. He represents the purest form of greed, and also the failure of our so called free market system. Ask yourself how many other Madoff’s, and those like him exist within our borders?

Gadabout Jack: I don’t want to think of it. The thought is chilling.

Gadabout: Well, you really cannot help to think of it because you are me.

Gadabout Jack: Quite true. We covered greed, what else?

Gadabout: Well, the next is power and control. The movie Mr. Smith goes to Washington warned us of the elite few who control our destinies. Blagojevich and the other cronies are only the tip of the iceberg. “Power corrupts absolutely.” You remember that.

Gadabout Jack: Absolutely.

Gadabout: Well, our markets failed, and the population distrusts American banking and business systems. Now that that has occurred, they are looking to Washington to level the playing field, and that promotes a higher degree of socialism in this country. It is a natural and necessary change. We’ve heard the old saying that “if you give a man (or woman) a fish you feed him for a day, but if you give him a fishing pole you feed him for life.” That all sounds good, but in modern societal structures you need a GPS, two way communications, licenses, a sound boat, safety equipment, fuel, matching 401K contributions, and countless other items to comply with regulations and associated costs. A simple fishing pole is no longer sufficient to feed and clothe for life. So the rich and middle class will be forced to share their wealth in order to sustain public safety.

Gadabout Jack: Public safety?

Gadabout: Yes, if the masses are unhappy and hungry, they will take what they want. This is referred to as crime, and the haves detest robbery and threats to their well being. So, the haves will pay, and be happy to do so. The middle class will be annoyed, but they will play along because they too will be feeding from the trough of governmental spending. They will design and build roadways, ugly automobiles, inefficient windmills and fighter planes. And let’s not forget “clean coal.”

Gadabout Jack: God bless clean coal. How about the upper classes?

Gadabout: Well, the super rich don’t really care. They have enough to weather any storm, can control the outcomes of elections, influence policy making, and create barriers to keep themselves isolated from the proletariat. They are happy to keep all of those below them drugged on Prozac, drunk in front of the HDTV watching football, driving a car and stuff fast food into their bellies. Simple, really. We’re talking John Galt stuff here.

Gadabout Jack: Who is John Galt?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

An Exclusive Interview With The Sarah Palins

Gadabout Interviews Sarah Palin’s Id, Ego and Superego:

Gadabout: So, Governor, the election is over and the ballots counted. You lost. How do you feel about that?

Sarah’s Id: First off, screw you, Gadabout. I feel like crap and all I can think about is beer, whiskey, sex, and moose hunting. I like the taste of blood and there will be plenty of blood in 2112. Note that, you little prick!

Sarah’s Ego: Well, let’s take another view of that. What Id was trying to say is that we, the conservatives in the country, will continue to fight the good fight. Take oil production in Alaska, for instance. Oil production and wildlife coexist in harmony here. Both interests are served equally, and this relationship can and should be used on a national level. We’ll push these legislative ideas forward in the future.

Sarah’s Superego: It is okay that we lost because I come from a good family where the lessons of right and wrong were strongly influenced by my parents. Let’s believe in the president-elect and support the winner of the contest.

Sarah’s Id: Pack sand you Superego bitch. I’m packing heat, and preparing for the fucking kill you little prissy….

Gadabout: Okay, let’s try and keep a little order here. You are all equals in the eyes…

Sarah’s Id: Up yours!

Sarah’s Ego: Hey, Id, like Gadabout said, let’s keep it under check!

Gadabout: Let’s start over. Governor, what are your short and intermediate personal goals in the years ahead?

Sarah’s Ego: Well, you know, my resume was a bit of a nagging anchor during the campaign, so I have decided to finish law school. The University of Alaska has an excellent program and I think I can dovetail both the executive office duties and school concurrently.

Sarah’s Id: What Ego really meant was that during the “inquisition” I was prosecuted by a bunch of self-centered, liberal Kool-aid drinking journalistic ass clown pricks. Yeah, I’ll finish law school and shove that diploma up Katie’s flat ass. That bitch will pay! …Take Caroline Kennedy, for instance. What kind of a resume does that skinny, bulimic, elitist, thumb sucking whore have? I’m waiting! Lock and Load!

Gadabout: Moving along, how about global warming?

Sarah’s Superego: All points of view should be given equal weight, and we should refrain from making harsh judgments. Critical, yes. Criticize, no.

Sarah’s Ego: Let’s take a look at the facts, and the preponderance of the literature supports that warming does exist, but that the causes are natural, not man made. A recent RAND study, published this past November, supports this claim. Solar activity, volcanoes, and dust storms are the likely causes of climate change. These changes are temporary…

Sarah’s Id: I cannot fucking stand listening to this crap. Have you looked out the window or turned on the news lately? The entire country is covered in fricking ice. Louisiana got hammered with eight inches of snow. Solar activity, my ass! And look, I’ve got a great ass!

Gadabout: Let’s talk international policy.

Sarah’s Id: I’m out of here. Like I said earlier, “Pack Sand.”

Sarah’s: Ego: Thank you for your time, Gadabout. Let’s talk again soon.

Sarah’s Superego: Please accept our sincerest apologies for any…

Sarah’s Id: I said we’re out of here, bitch!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Obama on Governor Blagojevich/Rahm Emanuel

Here we go! Our very own Dictator!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blagojevich Goes to Confession

Governor Rod Blagojevich recently sought counsel with God to seek atonement for his actions related to corruption in filling the vacant Senate Seat left behind by President Elect Obama. Since the FBI had him and his surrounding environs wired, this conversation between the governor and his parish priest, Father Timothy, was recorded and transcribed verbatim. Gadabout, through his secret sources, secured the following official copy of this confidential document and willing shares it with his readers.

Not Releasable to the Public – For Official Use Only

Exhibit 78, Blagojevich, Governor, Illinois, Springfield, 9 Dec 08:

Blagojevich: Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been 34 years since my last confession.

Father Timothy: 34 years? What’s up with that?

Blagojevich: I’ve been busy, Father, very busy. I’m the Governor of this great state of Illinois, and it takes a real toll. How about cutting me some fucking slack, jerk-off!

Father Timothy: Son, there is no need for hostilities here in the house of…

Blagojevich: [interrupting] Can the peace and love crap, and let’s get down with some serious confessional shit. Like I said, I’m a busy man and have business to attend to. So keep the house of the Lord crap for the republican morons and the rest of your pathetic flock.

Father Timothy: [15 second pause] Fine. Okay, my son. Spill your guts.

Blagojevich: Well, I’ve been trying to make an honest buck – honestly – picking someone to fill that Obama mother-fucker’s vacant seat in the senate. I’ve lined up five choices and all of them can make me some serious cash, but my staff thinks I might be crossing some sort of moral line. I don’t think I have, but if I had, and I’m not implying that I have – knowingly or wittingly – and in no willing violation of state or federal statutes. All I’m talking about here is a kick ass, do nothing job for my wife, and an appointment for me: public or private. It’s all about retirement, Tim.

Father Timothy: Well, how do you FEEL about it?

Blagojevich: How do I feel about it? I’ll tell you how I fucking FEEL about it. I want YOU to bless me, and take away any fucking sins so that I can go out there and lead Illinois to greatness. I’m a leader, Tim, and leaders have to make tough decisions. So bless my ass, Tim, before I cap your ass!

Father Timothy: [silence]

Blagojevich: Knock, knock.

Father Timothy: Who’s there?

Blagojevich: Smith and Wesson 9mm, 10 round clip, and hollow point -- that's who.

Father Timothy: Bless you. Five Hail Mary’s and Five Our Father’s.

Blagojevich: Thought that might expedite matters. Later, dude.

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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Lauren McKie's Short and Wonderful Office Christmas Party

Lauren hated Christmas, but it wasn’t always this way for her. She loved Christmas as a child. She loved the hopes of Santa’s coming. She loved opening her gifts beneath the tree filled with ornaments. She loved it all. Now she hated it, like she hated most holidays these days. She hated much, including Brian, her ex-husband, who she caught in “the act” the day after Christmas five years ago. She caught them in her bed, and she remembers vividly the flailing of sheets, the deer in the headlights stare and humility of it all. “You fucker,” she said aloud at her desk, startling herself. No one heard, though, the office was empty. The office was empty because they were all at the office Christmas party at Marty’s Steakhouse, off 23rd and Colley. “You fucker,” she screamed. It felt good to scream.

Lauren looked at her watch. It was 6:55 PM and cocktail hour was officially starting in five minutes. She could drive there in less than twenty minutes and make a showing. She really wasn’t the bitch her coworkers believed and avoided every day. She would make it there and have a drink, maybe two, eat supper and leave early. A hit and run, Brian would say. Yes, she would make a hit and run, and show them that she, Lauren McKie, did indeed not have a stick shoved up her ass.

Lauren took a deep breath as she opened the door to Marty’s. As she stepped inside she immediately found herself surrounded by most of the staff with their spouses and friends. She was alone, of course, and she forced a smile at Matt from accounting who approached her before she could take her coat off.

“Lauren,” he said and smiled. “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“Thanks, Matt, you too.”

“How about a drink? Maybe a martini?”

“Sure, I’d like that, but not too big,” Lauren said and smiled.

Matt always thought Lauren was attractive, but she never seemed to warm up to him. He had always wanted to get into her pants, and maybe a few cocktails might loosen her up. Maybe. He admired her long slender legs and green eyes. Her tits were small, but perky. They would do. “Damn, she's attractive,” he whispered under his breath as he made his way to the bar.

“A double Absolute, dry with olive,” Matt told the bartender.

Lauren enjoyed the second martini as much as the first. It was dry and smooth and warmed her. She liked Matt’s company as well and wondered why they hadn’t met earlier. He was nice and sort of cute too, she thought.

Dinner time neared but the crowd's interest was still with drinking. Lauren had talked with Steve and his wife, Kim. Sako from marketing and his girlfriend, Emily, were engaging and interesting. Emily was chubby and Sako skinny, but they were cute nonetheless. Lauren was happy for the first time in a long time. Lauren accepted a third martini from Matt. Lauren was now officially drunk, and a drunk Lauren was a mean Lauren, or so Brian always told her.

Then Wesley joined the group. Wesley Stockton Harrison and his model perfect 5’-9” wife, Marie. Wesley had a prominent nose, wire rimmed glasses and closely trimmed salt and pepper hair. His hairline did not recede. Wesley Harrison was perfect. So very perfect, Lauren mused, the executive VP of finance, the Princeton Man, the man who was screwing the help. The help was there, of course. Tina was the help, and most everyone had some idea that something was amiss between the two. Tina was standing in the opposite corner of the bar under an ancient pendulum clock keeping a distant, but not subtle watch over matters. Tina was a bitch. Tina would have fucked Brian if she had known him. Lauren was driving over the line from being happy to being mean. Tina was a bitch, and Marie most likely had no clue that her darling and caring husband from a prominent family was screwing the help.

“So, Wesley,” Lauren said. She looked into his eyes.

Marie noticed the stare as being curious.

Wesley, somewhat confused replied, “What is that, Lauren?”

“So are you still screwing Tina, or have you found a new bimbo to fuck?”

“What the fuck?” Wesley retorted.

Marie stood in shock. Fat Emily dropped her drink. Skinny Sako kept his mouth shut and moved back half a step. Steve and Kim would not hear what was said next because both of them detested conflict. They walked away towards the bar. Tina sensed something wrong had just happened and moved closer. The clock above Tina stopped ticking for five seconds. The room turned cold.

Matt looked at Lauren and said, “Lauren?”

Wesley kept his dignity and asked patiently once again, “What the fuck are you implying, Ms McKie?”

Lauren swung to her left to face Mrs. Wesley Stockton Harrison, spilling half of her martini doing so.

“Marie, did you know that your husband has been romping about with Tina from sales? She is very cute. Have you met her?”

Lauren smiled. Marie started to cry.

Lauren showed the office, at the office Christmas party, that she was not a prude. Far from a prude, indeed. She was a self righteous, indignant and drunken pain in the ass -- but not a prude. Lauren discovered that an office party is akin to being at the office, and the office pays the bills at Christmas. Lauren learned that lesson at precisely 7:59 PM on December 10, 2008, at Marty’s Steakhouse, off the corner of 23rd and Colley. Lauren was asked to leave Harrison Investments, LLC, the following day. She was not there to receive notice in person.

Wesley was forgiven, as wealthy men often are. He still fucks Tina, but swears a renewed and everlasting fidelity to Marie.

Matt finally got laid.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Hit and Run -- a short story

In a nondescript office a mid-level Federal Government bureaucrat scoffs at the US automakers while sitting in a cubicle sipping coffee and being productive at non productivity. He drives a Prius and is very proud of his life and of saving oil. The Prius was very expensive. He is green. His wife is green. His children will be green one day. He deeply believes that GM, Ford and Chrysler are backwards, inefficient and lazy. The UAW is lazy too and he holds them all in deep contempt. He has a Masters Degree. He holds himself in high regard. “They must pay, and pay dearly, for their ineptitude,” he whispers. He smiles.

In another office, somewhere nearby, a chubby man in his late thirties with a toothy smile and thin lips is preparing a document – a spreadsheet. He has an MBA from Harvard. He is trained at trimming fat. General Motors paid for his education, and that education cost plenty. General Motors had to trim fat, even within the ranks of thosse who are masters at trimming fat. So this man with the thin lips was released from the payroll and went without pay for many months until he found a Federal employment opportunity with the GAO. He had to move his family to DC and take a pay cut, but that was okay because he and his family are safe and fed and happy. He works very hard at his job, and is content at trimming fat. He is talented that way. He drives an SUV because it is safe and inexpensive. It was made by the UAW and General Motors.

Both men are Federal Bureaucrats now. The first has had a long career as one, and the second for only a few months. Bureaucrat Number One has been identified by bureaucrat Number Two as fat. Bureaucrat Number One’s position was eliminated by Number Two’s calculated research. Number One had to relocate to a very cold land known as Michigan to sit in another cubicle making less money, but he still gets to sip coffee while accruing years for retirement. Number One frowns. Number Two smiles wide with his thin lips.