Thursday, November 27, 2008

Don't Melt Your Flesh

Gadabout wishes everyone a safe Thanksgiving, and hopes that you don’t burn your house down or melt the flesh off your bones. By that I mean take great care when preparing your holiday feast, especially if planning on deep frying a turkey this year. Frying a turkey is extremely hazardous for reasons quite evident to me, but if you are an idiot then you might be in trouble.

If that there caldron of peanut oil you have simmering gets kicked over by one of your drunk friends or a moron child, and spills over someone’s feet you have an emergency room situation on your hands. That would be unfortunate. Burning flesh, police, hospitals and lawsuits are no way to enjoy the holidays.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Letter From Rick Wagner

Dear Gadabout Jack,
I am a severely depressed CEO of a major automobile manufacturing company based in Detroit, Michigan. You may have heard of it – General Motors. Does that ring a bell? Anyway, sales are in the crapper and we’re losing billions of dollars every month. There’s a very real chance that the balance sheet will turn eternally red and we’ll have to close our doors for good if we can’t figure out a way forward. Can you help?

Sincerely and respectfully,
Rick Wagner, Chairman and CEO, General Motors

Dear Rick,
Yep, I’ve heard of General Motors, and I think I can offer a few pointers to help. First off, yes, you have really screwed up since taking the reins of the most beloved publicly owned corporation in the USA. But that’s history, Rick, let’s move forward.

Let’s forget about your recent testimony on Capitol Hill where you made an ass out of yourself and disgraced your industry, your company and your integrity. I mean showing up in corporate jets and whining about current events isn’t really a leadership quality respected these days. As a matter of fact – it never has. Telling the world on public television that your $12.4 million salary was justified because you have a son in college didn’t exactly comfort those who are dealing with Wall Street deception, fraud and greed. You sucked, Rick. You really sucked. Well, let me give you some advice to deal with your woes. Take it or leave it. It’s your choice.

1. Cut your salary to no more than a U.S. Senator throughout the duration of the terms you are requesting from congress. They hold the purse strings, and if they can make it on $188,000 a year, then so can you. I’m sure you’ll be able to secure back door compensation, so why not give this symbolic gesture a go?

2. Propose a 5% cut in union and salary employee pay. The union guys are running scared and so is management, so let’s try that for the next two years to save jobs and promote security.

3. Limit production of fuel thirsty SUVs to a level that maintains efficiencies of established plants currently in operation. With limited supplies, the prices may actually stabilize. This will keep the green zealots happy for a while too.

4. Start building cars that Americans want to drive. Test-drive a few Hondas and Toyotas – they seem to have broken the code on customer satisfaction.

5. Use scare tactics to motivate congress. Close down all operations immediately. I mean close the doors and watch the mayhem. I’m brilliant!

6. Stop all support for nonprofit and not-for-profit organizations like Public Television. They slapped you in the face, so it’s time to bitch slap back. Let them suffer, Rick.

7. Double medical co-pays for all employees and retirees. Most of them are overweight slobs anyway!

8. Move your headquarters out of that God awful State of Michigan. Sell the Ren-Center, if you can find a buyer. Maybe Toyota? Pick a damn Red State, not a deep Blue liberal ass one.

9. Fire all the deadwood in your organization. People for the most part suck, and since your cars suck, fire the employees that make suck. Suck less, Rick.

It's up to you: demonstrate leadership, make personal sacrifices and lean into the wind. Beat the wind and succeed. Beat the odds. Be a hero. Or you can continue to be the elitist ass you always have been and fail greatly. Keep an eye on this blog, Rick, as I’m certain other readers will have suggestions for you. Hope this helped.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Taxation: A Metaphor

From the Spam Filters

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free, but what about the other six men (the paying customers)? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested to be fair, reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of them was better off than before, and the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. “I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!”

“That's true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important -- they didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! (The 10th man was originally paying $59 of $100, then $49 of $80)

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is becoming somewhat friendlier.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Pirates: A Solution

Gadabout has been contemplating the increasing instances of piracy on the high seas off the horn of Africa, and what can be done by “normal” countries to stop this nonsense. I say normal as in the USA, UK, Spain; and not dirt countries like Saudi Arabia or Mexico. If you don’t like that definition of “normal” that is fine, but realize that you are not normal and have no grasp of reality, are likely a wiccan and believe that US automakers are sinister. If so, fact so. First rate nations have first rate militaries, first rate laws and first rate weapon systems that can be trusted by the civilian population. Read that to mean weapon systems for cruise ships and cargo ships in the hands of a clear thinking maritime captain. (less the crew of the Exxon Valdez – of course)

Let’s frame this problem in the context of “personal space.” People that routinely violate another’s personal space are psychopathic and annoying. Long ago, Gadabout developed a technique to combat violators of his personal space but simply stating, “You’re in my personal space,” to a psycho. I just wait patiently until they move away and comply with my demands. It works brilliantly. These pirates of my personal space will rot in eternal hell because God is on my side. God also likes pirates, to a degree. We see this through their popularity during Halloween, and the interest in Black Beard.

The point being made here is that those that violate personal sea-space do not willing listen to, or heed warnings from, a crew being taken over. They want bounty, plain and simple, and asking them to move clear of personal space does not work as a viable tactic. Now, for example, if someone were to violate your personal space and you immediately, and without warning, gave them a quick upper-cut to the jaw and knocked them silly, they most likely would not violate you ever again. Right?

So the answer, then, is to let maritime crews unload the power and might of high explosive weapons upon those that violate perimeters around a high value ship at sea. Sure, a few innocents would be destroyed, but that is a small price to pay. It’s all about firepower, my friends.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Isn't Art wonderful!

The Sequel Men Are Waiting For


I bet she never ironed a guy's shirt...ever!


Hey, I want one of those!

Friday, November 14, 2008

A Different Breed

From the SPAM filters:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Gun Sales Explode

Gadabout is not surprised that gun sales have skyrocketed since post election day. Why should any of us be surprised when both houses of Congress and the Presidency are now solidly in the hands of a single political party; a party that finds comfort in passing tighter gun control laws. So there you have it, the perfect storm of sorts, when all of those on the right, clinging to their guns and bibles, run over to Hank’s Gun and Pawn and buy out the entire inventory.

You have to dig deep to find journalistic coverage of this recent phenomenon, which is unusual because it is newsworthy. Most of the news articles are from hick red states like Kansas or Oklahoma, so it’s not important to the Birkenstock and tweed wearing left. Who cares about Kansas? Well, Gadabout is interested in trends nationwide and this has caught his attention. So much so that I visited a local gun to discover first hand and determine for myself, “what up?”

Well, the place was packed with buyers, not shoppers, buyers. After watching and taking notes I made it up to the front of the line and was shown several .40 caliber models. I had no idea how many manufacturers of guns were still in existence. I favored the Beretta – it just felt right in my hand – so I said, “Let’s do it.” I was taken away by the moment, and after filling out two pages of personal data and providing three pieces of identification I was walking out the door with a beautiful piece of Italian workmanship. The Italians are wonderful! It took a total 15 minutes to purchase and complete the deal. Repeat, 15 minutes. God bless Virginia!

So what does all of this mean for America? Okay, I have an opinion, and it goes like this; if a government wants to ruin an industry all that government has to do is tax it. This is not Gadabout spouting off – this is the way of macro economics, and there are many examples to support these claims. Remember the luxury taxes on boats and aircraft in the 1980’s? All the new congress and administration have to is tax guns and ammo at, let’s say, 200 percent. Yep, no restrictions to second amendment rights – right? I have to say that if I was faced with a whopping $1,200 tax on my recent overly emotional gun purchase I would have canned the idea. How about you? Gadabout may be on to something here.