Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Letter From Rick Wagner

Dear Gadabout Jack,
I am a severely depressed CEO of a major automobile manufacturing company based in Detroit, Michigan. You may have heard of it – General Motors. Does that ring a bell? Anyway, sales are in the crapper and we’re losing billions of dollars every month. There’s a very real chance that the balance sheet will turn eternally red and we’ll have to close our doors for good if we can’t figure out a way forward. Can you help?

Sincerely and respectfully,
Rick Wagner, Chairman and CEO, General Motors

Dear Rick,
Yep, I’ve heard of General Motors, and I think I can offer a few pointers to help. First off, yes, you have really screwed up since taking the reins of the most beloved publicly owned corporation in the USA. But that’s history, Rick, let’s move forward.

Let’s forget about your recent testimony on Capitol Hill where you made an ass out of yourself and disgraced your industry, your company and your integrity. I mean showing up in corporate jets and whining about current events isn’t really a leadership quality respected these days. As a matter of fact – it never has. Telling the world on public television that your $12.4 million salary was justified because you have a son in college didn’t exactly comfort those who are dealing with Wall Street deception, fraud and greed. You sucked, Rick. You really sucked. Well, let me give you some advice to deal with your woes. Take it or leave it. It’s your choice.

1. Cut your salary to no more than a U.S. Senator throughout the duration of the terms you are requesting from congress. They hold the purse strings, and if they can make it on $188,000 a year, then so can you. I’m sure you’ll be able to secure back door compensation, so why not give this symbolic gesture a go?

2. Propose a 5% cut in union and salary employee pay. The union guys are running scared and so is management, so let’s try that for the next two years to save jobs and promote security.

3. Limit production of fuel thirsty SUVs to a level that maintains efficiencies of established plants currently in operation. With limited supplies, the prices may actually stabilize. This will keep the green zealots happy for a while too.

4. Start building cars that Americans want to drive. Test-drive a few Hondas and Toyotas – they seem to have broken the code on customer satisfaction.

5. Use scare tactics to motivate congress. Close down all operations immediately. I mean close the doors and watch the mayhem. I’m brilliant!

6. Stop all support for nonprofit and not-for-profit organizations like Public Television. They slapped you in the face, so it’s time to bitch slap back. Let them suffer, Rick.

7. Double medical co-pays for all employees and retirees. Most of them are overweight slobs anyway!

8. Move your headquarters out of that God awful State of Michigan. Sell the Ren-Center, if you can find a buyer. Maybe Toyota? Pick a damn Red State, not a deep Blue liberal ass one.

9. Fire all the deadwood in your organization. People for the most part suck, and since your cars suck, fire the employees that make suck. Suck less, Rick.

It's up to you: demonstrate leadership, make personal sacrifices and lean into the wind. Beat the wind and succeed. Beat the odds. Be a hero. Or you can continue to be the elitist ass you always have been and fail greatly. Keep an eye on this blog, Rick, as I’m certain other readers will have suggestions for you. Hope this helped.


Anonymous said...

I think your admonition to Mr Wagner to "Suck less" is excellent advice. However, I don't think I would give the same advice to everyone. In fact, I would avoid issuing that advice to about half the population and urge more rather than less....

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post...you should also include the link to http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,457509,00.html

Which details all the other U.S. automakers that failed without being bailed. Sh*t Happens. Failure in business is a part of the lifeblood of economics. The business model will not be duplicated in the future.

Dancing Willow said...

Damn... wish someone would give me this much advice just in my daily life! lol