Car Sales and the Future of Detroit

So, nobody is buying new cars these days. Well, about 40 percent fewer consumers are buying new cars and trucks to be more precise. There are burgeoning lots filled to the brim with excess inventories scattered across the country, and not just with domestic models. All of the world’s automobile manufactures are feeling the pinch as consumers in both the east and west tighten purse-strings and turn down the thermostat.

For those who were born before 1970 (or thereabouts), this pull back in car buying is not new news. It has happened before and it will undoubtedly recur in periodic fashion in the future. Of course now it is all hype, depression and talk of an irreversible economic collapse. I think this is silly on several fronts. First off, look around with eyes open and ask yourself if you see a depression? Are there homeless people pounding on your door crying for potatoes? No, of course not. Secondly, how many people do you know that unwilling out of a job right now? Come on, bring it on! Next, being pragmatic, economies always recover. Look at Germany post WWI. If that economy came back after being decimated, they any positive and forward looking society can make a come from behind win and prevail.

Back to automobiles. Now, if people are not buying new, then that would indicate an aging fleet of cars in the US and around the globe. The population is still on the increase here and elsewhere, so that should indicate increasing demand over time. As the fleet ages, quality used cars will have to fill the void and as this demand increases it would naturally follow that prices would increase as well. Once a point is reached where the used inventory prices compete with new models, the new models will start to fly off the lots and into drivers’ hands. Where that point is exactly, I do not know – I’m just talking trends here. I would opine to say that that point is not that far off. Maybe it is this year, or as distant as spring 2010. Either way it is not far off in the future. Believe in Gadabout. Believe in the truth.

From the SPAM Filters

NINE WORDS (Phrases) WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. “That's okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you're welcome” that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What's wrong?”
For the woman's response refer to #3.

Lauren McKie's Short and Wonderful Office Christmas Party

Lauren hated Christmas, but it wasn’t always this way for her. She loved Christmas as a child. She loved the hopes of Santa’s coming. She loved opening her gifts beneath the tree filled with ornaments. She loved it all. Now she hated it, like she hated most holidays these days. She hated much, including Brian, her ex-husband, who she caught in “the act” the day after Christmas five years ago. She caught them in her bed, and she remembers vividly the flailing of sheets, the deer in the headlights stare and humility of it all. “You fucker,” she said aloud at her desk, startling herself. No one heard, though, the office was empty. The office was empty because they were all at the office Christmas party at Marty’s Steakhouse, off 23rd and Colley. “You fucker,” she screamed. It felt good to scream.

Lauren looked at her watch. It was 6:55 PM and cocktail hour was officially starting in five minutes. She could drive there in less than twenty minutes and make a showing. She really wasn’t the bitch her coworkers believed and avoided every day. She would make it there and have a drink, maybe two, eat supper and leave early. A hit and run, Brian would say. Yes, she would make a hit and run, and show them that she, Lauren McKie, did indeed not have a stick shoved up her ass.

Lauren took a deep breath as she opened the door to Marty’s. As she stepped inside she immediately found herself surrounded by most of the staff with their spouses and friends. She was alone, of course, and she forced a smile at Matt from accounting who approached her before she could take her coat off.

“Lauren,” he said and smiled. “It’s wonderful to see you.”

“Thanks, Matt, you too.”

“How about a drink? Maybe a martini?”

“Sure, I’d like that, but not too big,” Lauren said and smiled.

Matt always thought Lauren was attractive, but she never seemed to warm up to him. He had always wanted to get into her pants, and maybe a few cocktails might loosen her up. Maybe. He admired her long slender legs and green eyes. Her tits were small, but perky. They would do. “Damn, she's attractive,” he whispered under his breath as he made his way to the bar.

“A double Absolute, dry with olive,” Matt told the bartender.

Lauren enjoyed the second martini as much as the first. It was dry and smooth and warmed her. She liked Matt’s company as well and wondered why they hadn’t met earlier. He was nice and sort of cute too, she thought.

Dinner time neared but the crowd's interest was still with drinking. Lauren had talked with Steve and his wife, Kim. Sako from marketing and his girlfriend, Emily, were engaging and interesting. Emily was chubby and Sako skinny, but they were cute nonetheless. Lauren was happy for the first time in a long time. Lauren accepted a third martini from Matt. Lauren was now officially drunk, and a drunk Lauren was a mean Lauren, or so Brian always told her.

Then Wesley joined the group. Wesley Stockton Harrison and his model perfect 5’-9” wife, Marie. Wesley had a prominent nose, wire rimmed glasses and closely trimmed salt and pepper hair. His hairline did not recede. Wesley Harrison was perfect. So very perfect, Lauren mused, the executive VP of finance, the Princeton Man, the man who was screwing the help. The help was there, of course. Tina was the help, and most everyone had some idea that something was amiss between the two. Tina was standing in the opposite corner of the bar under an ancient pendulum clock keeping a distant, but not subtle watch over matters. Tina was a bitch. Tina would have fucked Brian if she had known him. Lauren was driving over the line from being happy to being mean. Tina was a bitch, and Marie most likely had no clue that her darling and caring husband from a prominent family was screwing the help.

“So, Wesley,” Lauren said. She looked into his eyes.

Marie noticed the stare as being curious.

Wesley, somewhat confused replied, “What is that, Lauren?”

“So are you still screwing Tina, or have you found a new bimbo to fuck?”

“What the fuck?” Wesley retorted.

Marie stood in shock. Fat Emily dropped her drink. Skinny Sako kept his mouth shut and moved back half a step. Steve and Kim would not hear what was said next because both of them detested conflict. They walked away towards the bar. Tina sensed something wrong had just happened and moved closer. The clock above Tina stopped ticking for five seconds. The room turned cold.

Matt looked at Lauren and said, “Lauren?”

Wesley kept his dignity and asked patiently once again, “What the fuck are you implying, Ms McKie?”

Lauren swung to her left to face Mrs. Wesley Stockton Harrison, spilling half of her martini doing so.

“Marie, did you know that your husband has been romping about with Tina from sales? She is very cute. Have you met her?”

Lauren smiled. Marie started to cry.

Lauren showed the office, at the office Christmas party, that she was not a prude. Far from a prude, indeed. She was a self righteous, indignant and drunken pain in the ass -- but not a prude. Lauren discovered that an office party is akin to being at the office, and the office pays the bills at Christmas. Lauren learned that lesson at precisely 7:59 PM on December 10, 2008, at Marty’s Steakhouse, off the corner of 23rd and Colley. Lauren was asked to leave Harrison Investments, LLC, the following day. She was not there to receive notice in person.

Wesley was forgiven, as wealthy men often are. He still fucks Tina, but swears a renewed and everlasting fidelity to Marie.

Matt finally got laid.

Hit and Run -- a short story

In a nondescript office a mid-level Federal Government bureaucrat scoffs at the US automakers while sitting in a cubicle sipping coffee and being productive at non productivity. He drives a Prius and is very proud of his life and of saving oil. The Prius was very expensive. He is green. His wife is green. His children will be green one day. He deeply believes that GM, Ford and Chrysler are backwards, inefficient and lazy. The UAW is lazy too and he holds them all in deep contempt. He has a Masters Degree. He holds himself in high regard. “They must pay, and pay dearly, for their ineptitude,” he whispers. He smiles.

In another office, somewhere nearby, a chubby man in his late thirties with a toothy smile and thin lips is preparing a document – a spreadsheet. He has an MBA from Harvard. He is trained at trimming fat. General Motors paid for his education, and that education cost plenty. General Motors had to trim fat, even within the ranks of thosse who are masters at trimming fat. So this man with the thin lips was released from the payroll and went without pay for many months until he found a Federal employment opportunity with the GAO. He had to move his family to DC and take a pay cut, but that was okay because he and his family are safe and fed and happy. He works very hard at his job, and is content at trimming fat. He is talented that way. He drives an SUV because it is safe and inexpensive. It was made by the UAW and General Motors.

Both men are Federal Bureaucrats now. The first has had a long career as one, and the second for only a few months. Bureaucrat Number One has been identified by bureaucrat Number Two as fat. Bureaucrat Number One’s position was eliminated by Number Two’s calculated research. Number One had to relocate to a very cold land known as Michigan to sit in another cubicle making less money, but he still gets to sip coffee while accruing years for retirement. Number One frowns. Number Two smiles wide with his thin lips.

Don't Melt Your Flesh

Gadabout wishes everyone a safe Thanksgiving, and hopes that you don’t burn your house down or melt the flesh off your bones. By that I mean take great care when preparing your holiday feast, especially if planning on deep frying a turkey this year. Frying a turkey is extremely hazardous for reasons quite evident to me, but if you are an idiot then you might be in trouble.

If that there caldron of peanut oil you have simmering gets kicked over by one of your drunk friends or a moron child, and spills over someone’s feet you have an emergency room situation on your hands. That would be unfortunate. Burning flesh, police, hospitals and lawsuits are no way to enjoy the holidays.

A Different Breed

From the SPAM filters:

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That's nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Conservative Talk Radio Listener Profile

Gadabout believes that the success of talk radio (Rush and the like) is due to many middle class listeners believing that they are wealthier than they actually are. That is to say that the broad audience (who would be better off financially with higher taxes on the richest Americans) of such programs are unaware of financial entrenchment in the heart of the middle class. These listeners mistakenly side with wealthy Americans because of values and belief systems that denounce tax increases and incremental governmental growth. They appear to side with upper class simply on the basis of opposing ANY increase in taxation, even if it does not positively affect them as a group.

Take Social Security as an example. Social Security tax limits for 2008 have increased from $97,500 to $102,000. Workers making less than $102,000 are taxed at 15.3% (7.65% paid by the individual and another 7.65% paid by the employer). If you made exactly $102,000 the federal government would receive $15,606. Okay, how about if you made $204,000 (twice as much as the lowly $102,000 earner)? Well, the government receives $15,606, the exact same amount! Earn $1,000,000,000,000 a year and you pay the same amount: $15,606.

The federal income rates show similar trends. The middle bracket ranges between $77,000 and $160,000 and is anchored around 28%. Two higher brackets exist above $160,000 and $350,000, and top out at 35%. Yes, higher brackets exist, but they are offset by surprising low Social Security limits.

Who listens to Talk Radio? Well, I am going to guess that the majority is in the 28% tax bracket and don’t exceed the $102,000 Social Security limit. This group has been duped into believing that they are part of the highest classes in America, and that any increases in taxation would severely and negatively impact their little world. That’s my cut on it, anyway

Hey, China – Light My Fire

China, the land of sneaky shoe makers and all play things painted with lead, is under fire again by those opposed to their human rights record. It seems the best way to lift the tides of humanity is to beat up innocent Olympians carrying a rather large Zippo cigarette lighter. The French, God love them, love protests as much as they love Love. Very cozy and very caring. Cozy because all the protestors are wearing Nike sneakers to protect their feet from the cold and rain. And Caring because beating up cops and innocents is a firm affirmation of care giving.

Okay, here is the big deal-e-o regarding China. China is a power house and will most likely take over the world within the next 100 years. All of this will occur while the socialistic western societies crumble under a wave of debt being held by the all powerful mega economy of China. Americans and Europeans (let’s include the world excluding Muslim nations and Switzerland) will busy themselves with porn, alcohol and college sporting events while street signs are silently translated to Chinese dialects. “Crap, Ohio State lost another championship game!”

Here is Gadabout’s advice to the world: Let’s play hardball with Evil China before Nike factories are relocated to Detroit. The Olympics in China is a good thing because it diverts their attention from producing to PLAYING games. The sooner we successfully introduce sex, drugs, alcohol and college sporting events in Beijing, the sooner Chinese workers will miss work and become defiant. It’s really that simple. Light the fires and let the games begin!

The State of Human Affairs

Women look forward to, plan for and dream of changing their man once they marry. Men, on the other hand, relish the thought that their bride will never change at all -- for eternity.

“The Sage”

The Current State of Affairs

Man jumps off building after an Italian dinner

Gadabout enjoyed dinner out with friends this past Friday and Saturday evenings. Both venues were Italian, and both served up above average fare. There was one unique difference between the two that is noteworthy, though. That difference was that Saturday night was twice as expensive as Friday night.

Friday night’s dinner was just Gadabout and a friend. Beer and wine was involved and the tab totaled $55 including tax and a 21% tip (the service was exceptional…thanks, Zia’s). Saturday’s meal was a bit more complicated. Our party consisted of 6 adults and 4 children (thank you for setting up 2 separate tables and supplying pizza dough to entertain the ADD afflicted miniature people). Gadabout ate light and consumed one beer and two glasses of wine, so I am guessing I was roughly carrying a 0.04 BAC at the end of the meal. The bill for the slightly above average chow totaled $386 (tax and 20% tip included). Do the Math.

My point is that Americans toss cash into the air like confetti at a Super Bowl parade. Just in dinners, Gadabout tosses at least $5,000 out the window for slightly above average meals each and every year. Now remember, this $5,000 is after tax income and only includes weekend expenditures – not pizzas and other food purchases during the week!

Americans love to consume, and consume we do. We consume at the movie theater where we spend $40 dollars for two tickets, popcorn, diet Cokes and nachos. A 42 inch LCD? Sold! A new Lazy Boy? Sold! Tickets to the ballgame? Sold! A week in Aspen? Sold! A new Escalade? Sold! $4,000 to paint the home interior? Sold!

Americans are in debt. Debt produces anxiety in relationships that often leads to divorce. Divorces can cost mucho dollars, leading to more debt and anger. Anger towards others causes health problems and lost productivity and reduced incomes. Reduced income and spiraling debt is a shiny pathway to bankruptcy. Bankruptcy causes people to jump off tall buildings and splat themselves onto unforgiving concrete surfaces at an acceleration rate of 32 ft/sec2 (remember, Gadabout has a Masters Degree in Science).

In short, Italian dinners lead to gruesome deaths where Americans hit the pavement at a velocity of 300 feet/second. Splat! The End.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 9, USDA Stamp of Approval

Chicks swarm to dudes that are already in relationships. It is a law of nature – the more deeply a man is committed to another, the more desirable his Y-chromosome becomes. Hey, if another female has determined there is undisputed value attached to guy, then perhaps he might be worth fighting for. It is akin to a USDA stamp of approval, and women like labels. DKNY, Liz Claiborne, Chanel, Manolo Blahnik, Coach, Dooney & Burke are all labels and are all desirable. Women flock to labels and “boy friend, fiancé, and husband” are labels for men. “Single Dude” represents the unknown. “What is wrong with him, why isn’t he married by now?” they whisper while sipping drinks bought by single dudes.

Let’s simply accept the fact that women are cunning and ruthless in their pursuit of other women’s men. If we accept this is fact, then it is obvious why wives never trust their husbands because they are fully aware of the “Prime USDA” label attached to her mate. She is also aware that women are ruthless and will steal without hesitation. Even best friends, siblings and cousins (and in rare occasions mothers and daughters) will lie, cheat and steal satisfy their primal instincts. It’s tough to rely upon social norms, beliefs and values when you’re up against DNA coded software written by God himself. Women just can’t help it.

The lesson here is that if you’re in a dry spell, the solution is staring you in the face. All you have to declare is that you are “engaged.” That’s right, fake it. “Hey, you’re really wonderful, but I’m engaged to a really wonderful woman.” Keep a photo of an attractive chick in your wallet to prove it. Maybe you could be engaged to a dead chick, and you’re not over it yet. That will soften someone up. “He is so incredibly dedicated, and handsome, and is still dedicated to “Kelly Anne” who tragically died after being T-boned by a drunk driver. Wedding rings work too, and are readily available – just borrow one from a divorced friend. Be creative. Be happy. Be selective.

Summary:

Women steal men from other women. Chicks find men in relationships more attractive than single men. Wives are aware of this fact and this knowledge accounts for nearly 100% of distrust in marriage. Avail yourself to deception if it means the difference of going home alone or the opposite.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 8, Paying the Tab

One aspect of courtship is dinning and movie going. Until about 1980 it was expected that the male flip for the entire bill. There were very few exceptions to this rule. The guy paid for everything, drove and opened all doors. The scenario ran like a champ because women made less money than men, they expected to be treated like ladies and guys have superior driving skills. Today the world is turned upside down regarding equality, but surprisingly men still pay the lion’s share of dating. This has to change, and it is up to all men to level the playing field.

One way to level the playing field is to keep women down professionally, but that tactic has been successfully challenged in the courts of law and has failed. Women are allowed, legally, to displace men in the workforce. They are pilots, doctors, lawyers and even firefighters. Okay, honey, you took the job so how about tossing cash at that $100 bar tab? How about you pay it without making a weak silly gesture for the bill as the “chick” waitress places the bill in front of the dude? Why not offer to pick up the dude when plans are made? The reason you don’t is because you are a “princess” and princesses don’t involve themselves with trite matters of transportation and finance.

Now to be fair to the fairer sex, it should be noted that more and more woman are waking up and smelling the greenback. Being flush with cash, this select sect will pay for a dinner and even offer to drive. These chicks are cool and should be respected even though they displaced a male from making it big by taking his medical school slot. We call this progress, so I’ll play along.

There is a lesson here. That lesson is to utilize a tactic of paying for everything to observe the female’s responses over time. This analysis should take in factors such as ability to pay, income, family situation, attractiveness and personality. If the female is average across the board, but is flush with cash she sure as hell better offer to pay very early on in the relationship. If, on the other hand, she is a solid “9” and is struggling to finish graduate school in literature, then we might have to cut her some slack. Remember, they receive diamonds and we get the all-in-one screwdriver. Maybe paying for dinner and drinks is a small price for her to pay for a lifetime opportunity to take a male to the cleaners for life.

Summary

Women demanded a level playing field and they were rewarded for their efforts. Use equality to determine the coolness of a chick by tracking how often she offers to drive or pay the tab. This is a legal form of discrimination, and men need all the tools available to make sound judgments in his eternal pursuit of happiness.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 5, Cougars

Supply and Demand

Out of the jungle
Races a sleek, trim Cougar
Her prey surrenders


A first encounter with a Cougar will throw a young man off balance. It will rock his world. It will forever alter his perception of social norms and boundaries. Cougars are fierce creatures created out of the collapse of an idealist belief and value system. A system destroyed by divorce, and replaced with a renewed vigor towards sexuality in an attempt to make up for lost time. Cougars feed upon young men, and these willing targets are ripe for the taking. But why?

Cougars and their partners vary greatly in age. For simplicity, we’ll examine the college student male and the thirty-something female. The male is, let’s say 21, and has been repeatedly denied the affection of females his own age. He has spent too many Sunday mornings waking up hung-over with an empty wallet. Women his own age tease him and tempt him. They accept free dinners and drinks, and then skedaddle. Frustration builds in the young man and he begins to lose hope and faith. He loses hope and faith until he meets the Cougar.

The Cougar is fairly attractive, mature and has been around the block. She has two children in grade school or middle school, an ex-husband who split with the trailer park chick he met at a bar, and hasn’t enjoyed the touch of a man for years. She is lonely. She is starting to work out again. She envisions a “self” reflective of her college years when she once enjoyed free drinks and could skedaddle. She demands a return to youth, and no one is going to stop her.

A Cougar and her young man is a perfect pair. He is distraught over neglect from his contemporaries, and so is she. Who is she going to date? Men her age are either married, freshly divorced and looking for younger females or are living in his parent’s basement playing video games. She is too proud to date older men because that would be a step backwards. Older men have bellies and snore. A middle ground is discovered that is beneficial to both parties.

This is a period of social change and confusion for women in their mid twenties. As young men meet older Cougars, fewer men are available for dating, free dinners and drinks. “Where are all the good men?” they ask one another. This confusion leads to women making blind grabs at any available men their own age for marriage. It’s sort of like a banking panic where depositors claw on closing doors. The cycle begins.

Summary:

Cougars are cunning creatures and will stop at nothing to seek attention and affection. They target much younger men because they are willing and feel neglected. Cougars disrupt the supply and demand of available males, resulting in confusion and social change.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 4, Travel

Like most men, Gadabout doesn’t enjoy long journeys in an automobile with a woman when mini battles erupt. In this case, the car becomes a trap. A trap because you cannot abandon it and both male and the female are forced to cohabitate. There is no getting up and heading out to the garage to work on your wood working projects when on the road. Women understand the trap and will use it to seek advantage. They are keenly aware that you have to depend on each other and that home base is miles away. They play the roll of the cat toying with the mouse. They bank on the premise that there is no way out. Or is there?

On one fine afternoon when Gadabout was just a lad of about five, he was traveling from Buffalo to Detroit with his mother, aunt, two older sisters, older female cousin, and two younger male cousins. The males were outnumbered 5-3 and the opposition had seniority. The deck was stacked against Gadabout, Steven and young Larry. Well, I guess Steven and I were to blame for some now forgotten mayhem in the tattered 1961 Ford station wagon. Aunt Marilyn was at the wheel and was losing it. I mean losing it bad; dynamic hormone imbalance stuff. She pulled over on the Queen’s highway and came to a complete stop. “Get out,” she snapped. Gadabout and Steven (age 5ish and 4ish) were forced out of the car and onto the shoulder. The 5 psycho chicks and 1 remaining 3 year old male drove away. “Crap!”

The women were collectively playing hardball. Okay, bring it on. The car pulled over about half a mile down the road and then clumsily backed up as we walked to meet it. Parents really did this stuff to their kids back then. Try that today and you end up behind bars. Well, I think the adult supervision came to their senses that maybe they crossed the line. We entered the car as victors greeted by a sobbing mess of estrogen.

So, back to our lesson. If you find yourself driving and your female companion won’t stop yapping and attacking your driving skills and other aspects of your personality, you have a way out. No, don’t kick her out to the side of the road and drive off. That is a female play. All you have to do is pull over to the side of the expressway, put the car in park and turn off the engine. This is a powerful strategic play and must be orchestrated with great care. After remaining silent for a few moments, grip the wheel at the ten and two and stare straight ahead. Then in a calm voice ask her if she would like to drive. Tell her that her attacks are noted and can be addressed at a later time, but this is not the time. Driving requires concentration and alertness, and she is distracting you from the road. She will crumble.

The female will not want to drive because you suggested it. It would be a win for you, and she really doesn’t like driving in the dark anyway. She’ll say something like, “Let’s just go and we’ll talk later.” After you start the car and hit the road, she will remain very silent and feign sleep. It will be a tie in the end, but that is better than a loss.

Summary:

Women don’t travel well and take advantage of the car as a trap to trample upon your heart and spirit. Be prepared for this in life and develop exit strategies well in advance to counter their attacks.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 3, The Use of Alcohol

Just a Sip

A well stocked bar
Loosened up the female tribe
An easy, quick kill


Ogden Nash once wrote, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” The man was a certified American genius. In light of this time honored witticism it is altogether fitting that we address the role of alcohol in warming up and wooing a not quite ready, willing and able female. First things first, though. The first rule of thumb in drinking booze, beer and wine is to not over do it yourself. There will be times where your abuse of the cherished fire water will result in an inability to walk, much less charm the female target with your flamboyant personality. If this be the case, all is lost for the night and your only concern is that of your own personal safety. There is a chance you might get the crap kicked out of you or wake up naked alongside a snow bank in this drunken state, but you’ll learn from these mistakes.

The name of the game is to get the women drinking. It is all about keeping your senses honed and keen. Men don’t drink and carry firearms when deer hunting and we certainly don’t hunt females with a bottle of rot gut under our belts either.

Oftentimes women run in packs for protection from men and other hazardous situations. This Medusa looking tribe is a very effective defensive tactic. Because of this it is important to determine early in the game individual team members and the positions they play. Really attractive women often run with unattractive women which is interesting. I guess it is a balancing dynamic that is beneficial to both distorted personalities. Regardless of the spectrum of attractiveness you are pursuing, other members of the pack will be interested in you and sniff you out. This is the flaw of pact mentality. In this sense women are spiteful to each other, so it makes our job a bit easier in the end game. Just sit back and relax and let the evening flow like electricity – it will find a ground. So what if you end up with a chubby version of Oprah? Chances are her girlfriend will turn on her and try to steal you away next weekend. This is called a win-win in business and politics, and it can be a win-win for you!

Some women are untouchables – they will never break, so don’t even try. Be nice to the untouchables because they may give a thumbs-up to a fellow teammate. The point is to never burn bridges unless it connects to undisputable hostile territory that lacks natural resources and has no strategic value. If so, torch it.

Summary:

Women loosen up when under the influence of alcohol, but they are not interested in communicating with drunks. Maintain a low BAC, keep an open mind and go for the easy kill. Women are a jealous lot, and this trait may work in your favor for horse trading in the future.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – A Lesson in Understanding Women

Gadabout was shooting the bull at the office a few weeks ago with a co-worker about an idea envisioned as a “Handbook for Young Men.” This handbook would be a priceless collection for all men, young and old alike, since it would cut through the many mysteries of the female species and save countless hours of uncertainty trying to determine the next step in dealing with chicks. My co-worker took to the idea and recounted his position on the subject which he dubbed “Unicorns, Dolphins and Shoes.” Gadabout is stealing the title of his thesis, but to protect myself I have altered it slightly. Hey, it’s better than mine!

Lesson 1:

Women don’t want to “get” involved with dudes that drive hybrid cars, recycle or send nice gifts on Valentine’s Day. They want to be “married” to guys that do all of the above and they take much enjoyment out of molding their mates into any desired shape and size utilizing cunning skills and abilities. They want “danger boy,” not sensitive man. They want adventure, unshaven faces and beer breath sweetened by a Marlboro. But there is a hitch to this bi-polar selection process. They need a hint that danger boy can be molded into shape after the honeymoon is over. If danger boy is to have his way during courtship he must walk the razor’s edge of being bad while at the same time showing a tiny sliver of sissy boy potential.

Gadabout stumbled upon the ideal “action” that sealed the deal many years ago. It happened purely by happenstance and the outcomes were immediate and satisfying. I unselfishly recount the events that transpired on one random day during the summer of 2001. I was walking along the boardwalk with a woman that was fairly hot. It was a new woman and we didn’t know each other very well, and the conversation was not cutting it. At one particular moment while she was leading the discussion I noticed a Twinkie wrapper on the ground in front of me. Without thinking, I instinctively picked up the wrapper and wadded it up in my hand. I made absolutely no comment since I was listening, and it is polite to listen when the other is talking. After a hundred yards or so we caught up with a trash can and I threw the wrapper away in silence. The look of admiration on this woman’s face was very evident. At that very instant I became King and she my Queen, and kingdom was mine for the taking.

Summary:

Women are bi-polar during the selection process. Be 99% dude and make absolutely certain that the 1% is on the mark. It’s a razor’s edge.

A Cougar Wearing Librarian Glasses

Photo of future Cougar in training
Cougars on the Hunt

Sipping fresh cocktails
Competing Cougars take aim
Upon young male prey

Gadabout and friends recently spent time together dining and drinking, and during the drinking stage of the evening our discussion wandered to women (no surprise here). Our not so sotto voce musings brought to light two very significant discoveries of the female species that arouse men (and I guess in some cases, other women) that are distinctively separate, yet connected in a jagged, somewhat erotic sort of way.

The first is the thrilling use of eye glasses by women, but not just any style of eyewear. No, it is the librarian style with the black frames that drives men loony. Those simple black spectacles have a hypnotic effect on men, and Gadabout is at a loss for an explanation. They’re sexy and alluring. A plausible explanation may be that they suggest a bridge between intellect and promiscuity, but for whatever reason the effects are immediate and stimulating. In "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby,” Ferrell’s character falls in love with a member of his PR team played by Amy Adams (as I recall, anyway). Yep, once she took off her wire rimmed lenses we were introduced to a knockout sweetheart. If they were Librarian glasses in the first place we would have demanded that she kept them on!

The second topic was devoted to Cougars. Cougars are older women who prey solely on younger men. A Cougar’s victim is usually no older than an eldest son, and they take great pride in their youth oriented hunting and stalking abilities. You see them out and about in great numbers. They are the forty and fifty set, divorced, wealthy (or nearly so), maintain a stunning appearance, drink expensive wine and booze and travel in packs of two or three. At times, they can be spotted solo, but usually this is only after others in the pack have separated themselves for the purpose of making a kill.

Okay, put your thinking caps on and envision a Cougar wearing librarian glasses. I just got a little dizzy, please excuse me while I get a drink of water...I’m back now! That was close—I almost fainted. This discovery is so very powerful, and I expect social change in the behaviors of Cougars worldwide. This is cutting edge stuff and you heard it first from Gadabout Jack! Buy stock immediately in any company that manufactures eyeglass frames for women. This is hot, hot, Cougar hot!

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