Saturday, January 5, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 4, Travel

Like most men, Gadabout doesn’t enjoy long journeys in an automobile with a woman when mini battles erupt. In this case, the car becomes a trap. A trap because you cannot abandon it and both male and the female are forced to cohabitate. There is no getting up and heading out to the garage to work on your wood working projects when on the road. Women understand the trap and will use it to seek advantage. They are keenly aware that you have to depend on each other and that home base is miles away. They play the roll of the cat toying with the mouse. They bank on the premise that there is no way out. Or is there?

On one fine afternoon when Gadabout was just a lad of about five, he was traveling from Buffalo to Detroit with his mother, aunt, two older sisters, older female cousin, and two younger male cousins. The males were outnumbered 5-3 and the opposition had seniority. The deck was stacked against Gadabout, Steven and young Larry. Well, I guess Steven and I were to blame for some now forgotten mayhem in the tattered 1961 Ford station wagon. Aunt Marilyn was at the wheel and was losing it. I mean losing it bad; dynamic hormone imbalance stuff. She pulled over on the Queen’s highway and came to a complete stop. “Get out,” she snapped. Gadabout and Steven (age 5ish and 4ish) were forced out of the car and onto the shoulder. The 5 psycho chicks and 1 remaining 3 year old male drove away. “Crap!”

The women were collectively playing hardball. Okay, bring it on. The car pulled over about half a mile down the road and then clumsily backed up as we walked to meet it. Parents really did this stuff to their kids back then. Try that today and you end up behind bars. Well, I think the adult supervision came to their senses that maybe they crossed the line. We entered the car as victors greeted by a sobbing mess of estrogen.

So, back to our lesson. If you find yourself driving and your female companion won’t stop yapping and attacking your driving skills and other aspects of your personality, you have a way out. No, don’t kick her out to the side of the road and drive off. That is a female play. All you have to do is pull over to the side of the expressway, put the car in park and turn off the engine. This is a powerful strategic play and must be orchestrated with great care. After remaining silent for a few moments, grip the wheel at the ten and two and stare straight ahead. Then in a calm voice ask her if she would like to drive. Tell her that her attacks are noted and can be addressed at a later time, but this is not the time. Driving requires concentration and alertness, and she is distracting you from the road. She will crumble.

The female will not want to drive because you suggested it. It would be a win for you, and she really doesn’t like driving in the dark anyway. She’ll say something like, “Let’s just go and we’ll talk later.” After you start the car and hit the road, she will remain very silent and feign sleep. It will be a tie in the end, but that is better than a loss.


Women don’t travel well and take advantage of the car as a trap to trample upon your heart and spirit. Be prepared for this in life and develop exit strategies well in advance to counter their attacks.

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