Friday, January 4, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 3, The Use of Alcohol

Just a Sip

A well stocked bar
Loosened up the female tribe
An easy, quick kill

Ogden Nash once wrote, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” The man was a certified American genius. In light of this time honored witticism it is altogether fitting that we address the role of alcohol in warming up and wooing a not quite ready, willing and able female. First things first, though. The first rule of thumb in drinking booze, beer and wine is to not over do it yourself. There will be times where your abuse of the cherished fire water will result in an inability to walk, much less charm the female target with your flamboyant personality. If this be the case, all is lost for the night and your only concern is that of your own personal safety. There is a chance you might get the crap kicked out of you or wake up naked alongside a snow bank in this drunken state, but you’ll learn from these mistakes.

The name of the game is to get the women drinking. It is all about keeping your senses honed and keen. Men don’t drink and carry firearms when deer hunting and we certainly don’t hunt females with a bottle of rot gut under our belts either.

Oftentimes women run in packs for protection from men and other hazardous situations. This Medusa looking tribe is a very effective defensive tactic. Because of this it is important to determine early in the game individual team members and the positions they play. Really attractive women often run with unattractive women which is interesting. I guess it is a balancing dynamic that is beneficial to both distorted personalities. Regardless of the spectrum of attractiveness you are pursuing, other members of the pack will be interested in you and sniff you out. This is the flaw of pact mentality. In this sense women are spiteful to each other, so it makes our job a bit easier in the end game. Just sit back and relax and let the evening flow like electricity – it will find a ground. So what if you end up with a chubby version of Oprah? Chances are her girlfriend will turn on her and try to steal you away next weekend. This is called a win-win in business and politics, and it can be a win-win for you!

Some women are untouchables – they will never break, so don’t even try. Be nice to the untouchables because they may give a thumbs-up to a fellow teammate. The point is to never burn bridges unless it connects to undisputable hostile territory that lacks natural resources and has no strategic value. If so, torch it.


Women loosen up when under the influence of alcohol, but they are not interested in communicating with drunks. Maintain a low BAC, keep an open mind and go for the easy kill. Women are a jealous lot, and this trait may work in your favor for horse trading in the future.

1 comment:

JohnBrady said...

I've linked to you from Blogden Nash where I catalogue the reach and influence of Ogden Nash on contemporary life.