Sunday, January 13, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 9, USDA Stamp of Approval

Chicks swarm to dudes that are already in relationships. It is a law of nature – the more deeply a man is committed to another, the more desirable his Y-chromosome becomes. Hey, if another female has determined there is undisputed value attached to guy, then perhaps he might be worth fighting for. It is akin to a USDA stamp of approval, and women like labels. DKNY, Liz Claiborne, Chanel, Manolo Blahnik, Coach, Dooney & Burke are all labels and are all desirable. Women flock to labels and “boy friend, fiancé, and husband” are labels for men. “Single Dude” represents the unknown. “What is wrong with him, why isn’t he married by now?” they whisper while sipping drinks bought by single dudes.

Let’s simply accept the fact that women are cunning and ruthless in their pursuit of other women’s men. If we accept this is fact, then it is obvious why wives never trust their husbands because they are fully aware of the “Prime USDA” label attached to her mate. She is also aware that women are ruthless and will steal without hesitation. Even best friends, siblings and cousins (and in rare occasions mothers and daughters) will lie, cheat and steal satisfy their primal instincts. It’s tough to rely upon social norms, beliefs and values when you’re up against DNA coded software written by God himself. Women just can’t help it.

The lesson here is that if you’re in a dry spell, the solution is staring you in the face. All you have to declare is that you are “engaged.” That’s right, fake it. “Hey, you’re really wonderful, but I’m engaged to a really wonderful woman.” Keep a photo of an attractive chick in your wallet to prove it. Maybe you could be engaged to a dead chick, and you’re not over it yet. That will soften someone up. “He is so incredibly dedicated, and handsome, and is still dedicated to “Kelly Anne” who tragically died after being T-boned by a drunk driver. Wedding rings work too, and are readily available – just borrow one from a divorced friend. Be creative. Be happy. Be selective.


Women steal men from other women. Chicks find men in relationships more attractive than single men. Wives are aware of this fact and this knowledge accounts for nearly 100% of distrust in marriage. Avail yourself to deception if it means the difference of going home alone or the opposite.


Anonymous said...

Jack, you are single aren't you! You know how men talk about those women that are jaded and hate men in general? We'll, it looks like you have that in reverse. Have a nice, single, uncomplicated life.

Gadabout Jack said...

I just think it is wonderful to have readers. Anon, thanks for making a comment to this very dated post. I am guessing that daddy didn't hug you enough when you were a young girl...