Monday, January 14, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 10, Divorce

The best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to never get married in the first place. This sounds good in theory, but is seldom practiced. Men and women alike snuggle up to the fairytale dream of children, landscaped lawns, and fireplaces. The image is too strong to resist and we flock towards the Pastor, $50,000 receptions and honeymoons. Ah yes, the honeymoon. “I’ll love you until the day I die (or you die).”

Funny thing is most marriages don’t make it to the death stage. Couples “grow apart” these days. Bullshit, they hate each other. He’s pissed off because she stopped working after baby number two, and she still melts the American Express card like a drunken sailor in Taiwan. He throws his dirty socks in the corner after playing rugby with the boys and drinks too much. Tempers flare, mothers are used as sounding boards, the bedroom becomes frigid and harmony is lost. At this stage the cars are no longer waxed on the weekend, burgers are bought instead of grilled on the Weber, and the lawn becomes overrun with weeds. The seeds of destruction have been sowed. Crap!

It is of utmost importance that the male recognize the current state of a failing marriage and take immediate action. Pretending that matters will correct themselves is foolhardy and dangerous. If divorce is imminent, the male is already too late to the party. By this time the female has already secured counsel, built an air tight case and has brainwashed the children. All of this was accomplished while “stupid boy” was at work providing for the family.

The solution to protecting yourself is to be proactive. Being active, tentative, and a problem solver will pay big dividends when leveraging your case against hers. Examples of positive action follow:

- Seek professional counseling first. The counselor will suggest co-counseling and you will heed these words. Strike first!

- Buy flowers and use a credit card to maintain a history of giving.

- Take the children to the movies and attend all school functions.

- Run for a position on the civic league.

- Limit alcohol consumption. Take over duties as designated driver for your wife.

- Stash away $10,000 in cash as a rainy day fund.

- Suggest a trip to the in-laws.

- Volunteer for a charity.

- Work late over a period of nights that suggests you are screwing around. If you get accused of wrong doing your case will be air tight and embarrass the female. This will demonstrate a pattern of unfounded mistrust and clearly show a paranoid profile of the wife.

All of this will come out in marriage counseling and you will smell like a rose!

Divorce is an outcrop of the female’s distrust of all male activities, dirty socks and beer drinking. It has nothing to do with women quitting their jobs, getting fat or over spending. The female prepares for divorce early in the relationship so must be outmaneuvered by the male through the use of offense and surprise.

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