Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 10, Divorce

The best way to avoid the pitfalls of divorce is to never get married in the first place. This sounds good in theory, but is seldom practiced. Men and women alike snuggle up to the fairytale dream of children, landscaped lawns, and fireplaces. The image is too strong to resist and we flock towards the Pastor, $50,000 receptions and honeymoons. Ah yes, the honeymoon. “I’ll love you until the day I die (or you die).”

Funny thing is most marriages don’t make it to the death stage. Couples “grow apart” these days. Bullshit, they hate each other. He’s pissed off because she stopped working after baby number two, and she still melts the American Express card like a drunken sailor in Taiwan. He throws his dirty socks in the corner after playing rugby with the boys and drinks too much. Tempers flare, mothers are used as sounding boards, the bedroom becomes frigid and harmony is lost. At this stage the cars are no longer waxed on the weekend, burgers are bought instead of grilled on the Weber, and the lawn becomes overrun with weeds. The seeds of destruction have been sowed. Crap!

It is of utmost importance that the male recognize the current state of a failing marriage and take immediate action. Pretending that matters will correct themselves is foolhardy and dangerous. If divorce is imminent, the male is already too late to the party. By this time the female has already secured counsel, built an air tight case and has brainwashed the children. All of this was accomplished while “stupid boy” was at work providing for the family.

The solution to protecting yourself is to be proactive. Being active, tentative, and a problem solver will pay big dividends when leveraging your case against hers. Examples of positive action follow:

- Seek professional counseling first. The counselor will suggest co-counseling and you will heed these words. Strike first!

- Buy flowers and use a credit card to maintain a history of giving.

- Take the children to the movies and attend all school functions.

- Run for a position on the civic league.

- Limit alcohol consumption. Take over duties as designated driver for your wife.

- Stash away $10,000 in cash as a rainy day fund.

- Suggest a trip to the in-laws.

- Volunteer for a charity.

- Work late over a period of nights that suggests you are screwing around. If you get accused of wrong doing your case will be air tight and embarrass the female. This will demonstrate a pattern of unfounded mistrust and clearly show a paranoid profile of the wife.

All of this will come out in marriage counseling and you will smell like a rose!

Summary:
Divorce is an outcrop of the female’s distrust of all male activities, dirty socks and beer drinking. It has nothing to do with women quitting their jobs, getting fat or over spending. The female prepares for divorce early in the relationship so must be outmaneuvered by the male through the use of offense and surprise.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 6, Marriage

Gadabout believes that most men are not ready for marriage until they are at least in their thirties. Sure, you get past a few rough years having to glean autumn fields for nourishment and you are hungry by 23. College is in the past and adulthood is reflected in the mirror. You have a job now and feel the need to settle down, especially after being mauled by hungry cougars. Some of your buddies are married now and you have lost touch with them because they do married things; like have couples over for dinner and landscape yards. Dinners and landscaping represent stability just like Dad's lawn mower and woodshop. Maybe, you think, it's time for a family. Isn't that sweet? Guess what? Your only reward will be a quarter of the closet littered with women's shoes.

Wake up and smell the gun powder my fine friend. In fifteen years from today half of those cozy couples will be divorced and your pal will be nothing more than a tattered mess of a middle aged man. He will be paying child support to kids who hate his inner core of being because of the propaganda machine his ex keeps operating on overtime. He is living in a lousy two bedroom apartment furnished with discarded furniture and is driving a busted up Chevy. He smiles because he finally has freedom, but it fades quickly when he spots his ex cocktailing and hitting on 21 year old surfer dudes. His blood pressure is creeping up and he can’t fit into his blue jeans. His girlfriend is cute, but dumb as a rock and says, “Absolutely,” in response to every point he makes in conversation.

My advice to all young men is to take a deep breath before asking Ms Almost Perfect to stand on the alter together and commit to a binding contract of law. Time is on your side. The next time she asks a stupid question like, “Do I look fat in this dress,” say, “Yes.” Turn the TV on and wait for the riposte.

Summary

All marriages end in either death or divorce, so why rush into anything that always has an unhappy ending. Time is on your side.

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – Lesson 5, Cougars

Supply and Demand

Out of the jungle
Races a sleek, trim Cougar
Her prey surrenders


A first encounter with a Cougar will throw a young man off balance. It will rock his world. It will forever alter his perception of social norms and boundaries. Cougars are fierce creatures created out of the collapse of an idealist belief and value system. A system destroyed by divorce, and replaced with a renewed vigor towards sexuality in an attempt to make up for lost time. Cougars feed upon young men, and these willing targets are ripe for the taking. But why?

Cougars and their partners vary greatly in age. For simplicity, we’ll examine the college student male and the thirty-something female. The male is, let’s say 21, and has been repeatedly denied the affection of females his own age. He has spent too many Sunday mornings waking up hung-over with an empty wallet. Women his own age tease him and tempt him. They accept free dinners and drinks, and then skedaddle. Frustration builds in the young man and he begins to lose hope and faith. He loses hope and faith until he meets the Cougar.

The Cougar is fairly attractive, mature and has been around the block. She has two children in grade school or middle school, an ex-husband who split with the trailer park chick he met at a bar, and hasn’t enjoyed the touch of a man for years. She is lonely. She is starting to work out again. She envisions a “self” reflective of her college years when she once enjoyed free drinks and could skedaddle. She demands a return to youth, and no one is going to stop her.

A Cougar and her young man is a perfect pair. He is distraught over neglect from his contemporaries, and so is she. Who is she going to date? Men her age are either married, freshly divorced and looking for younger females or are living in his parent’s basement playing video games. She is too proud to date older men because that would be a step backwards. Older men have bellies and snore. A middle ground is discovered that is beneficial to both parties.

This is a period of social change and confusion for women in their mid twenties. As young men meet older Cougars, fewer men are available for dating, free dinners and drinks. “Where are all the good men?” they ask one another. This confusion leads to women making blind grabs at any available men their own age for marriage. It’s sort of like a banking panic where depositors claw on closing doors. The cycle begins.

Summary:

Cougars are cunning creatures and will stop at nothing to seek attention and affection. They target much younger men because they are willing and feel neglected. Cougars disrupt the supply and demand of available males, resulting in confusion and social change.

Same-Sex Marriage

Gadabout, like all of you, has read the many news articles outlining the continued debate over Gender-Neutral Marriages. Massachusetts passed a same-sex marriage law and a few mayors and defiant clergy have chimed in allowing and performing “official” ceremonies. During camera worthy moments, these stories make the evening news and talk shows where extremists from both sides square off. It always makes for an interesting diversion. Add Ann Coulter to the mix, and you’ll be treated to a real circus.

Now, this issue is a hot button topic for a lot of players, and the legal implications appear far reaching. Far reaching in two general areas—financial effects (health care for partners, etc.) and religious values. Other factors relate to children and various legalities, but in the end it is really all about cash and God. Big players, indeed.

Gadabout doesn’t care either way, and I believe most of America doesn’t care much either. Simply put, I support marriage for all Americans. Hey, if a gay couple decides to get married and ruin a perfectly good relationship, so be it. Look, people tend to fall in love and when they do, society promotes the institution of marriage to legitimize cohabitation. Yes, the pressures of society have subsided over the past few decades, but marriage is still a firmly established dream for a lot of people, regardless of sexual orientation. It is my opinion that with growing trends towards toleration of non male/female relationships, then same-sex marriage is inevitable. And with that I would like to say good luck and welcome to the out of control marriage and divorce industry.

Half of all marriages end in divorce, and the other half in death. Either way, it is a giant money maker for the industry. The average cost of a wedding is $30,000. That’s enough for a 10% down payment on a sweet $300,000 home in the burbs. But our little princesses demand celebrity status for a day, and daddy is expected to pay. Most of you have an idea of the costs so we don’t need to labor over details. Four years later the lawyers, marriage counselors, real estate brokers and a laundry list of others rake it in during the divorce. The marriage industry is a $160 billion plus annually, and cost and heartache of divorce is greater. Gadabout speaks from experience here.

So, for all of you out there campaigning for same-sex weddings, welcome to the club of financial misery. The economy will be lifted to new highs with a fresh crop of customers! It is the American way! Open the champagne and pass the cigars!