Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes – A Lesson in Understanding Women

Gadabout was shooting the bull at the office a few weeks ago with a co-worker about an idea envisioned as a “Handbook for Young Men.” This handbook would be a priceless collection for all men, young and old alike, since it would cut through the many mysteries of the female species and save countless hours of uncertainty trying to determine the next step in dealing with chicks. My co-worker took to the idea and recounted his position on the subject which he dubbed “Unicorns, Dolphins and Shoes.” Gadabout is stealing the title of his thesis, but to protect myself I have altered it slightly. Hey, it’s better than mine!

Lesson 1:

Women don’t want to “get” involved with dudes that drive hybrid cars, recycle or send nice gifts on Valentine’s Day. They want to be “married” to guys that do all of the above and they take much enjoyment out of molding their mates into any desired shape and size utilizing cunning skills and abilities. They want “danger boy,” not sensitive man. They want adventure, unshaven faces and beer breath sweetened by a Marlboro. But there is a hitch to this bi-polar selection process. They need a hint that danger boy can be molded into shape after the honeymoon is over. If danger boy is to have his way during courtship he must walk the razor’s edge of being bad while at the same time showing a tiny sliver of sissy boy potential.

Gadabout stumbled upon the ideal “action” that sealed the deal many years ago. It happened purely by happenstance and the outcomes were immediate and satisfying. I unselfishly recount the events that transpired on one random day during the summer of 2001. I was walking along the boardwalk with a woman that was fairly hot. It was a new woman and we didn’t know each other very well, and the conversation was not cutting it. At one particular moment while she was leading the discussion I noticed a Twinkie wrapper on the ground in front of me. Without thinking, I instinctively picked up the wrapper and wadded it up in my hand. I made absolutely no comment since I was listening, and it is polite to listen when the other is talking. After a hundred yards or so we caught up with a trash can and I threw the wrapper away in silence. The look of admiration on this woman’s face was very evident. At that very instant I became King and she my Queen, and kingdom was mine for the taking.


Women are bi-polar during the selection process. Be 99% dude and make absolutely certain that the 1% is on the mark. It’s a razor’s edge.

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