Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blagojevich Goes to Confession

Governor Rod Blagojevich recently sought counsel with God to seek atonement for his actions related to corruption in filling the vacant Senate Seat left behind by President Elect Obama. Since the FBI had him and his surrounding environs wired, this conversation between the governor and his parish priest, Father Timothy, was recorded and transcribed verbatim. Gadabout, through his secret sources, secured the following official copy of this confidential document and willing shares it with his readers.

Not Releasable to the Public – For Official Use Only

Exhibit 78, Blagojevich, Governor, Illinois, Springfield, 9 Dec 08:

Blagojevich: Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been 34 years since my last confession.

Father Timothy: 34 years? What’s up with that?

Blagojevich: I’ve been busy, Father, very busy. I’m the Governor of this great state of Illinois, and it takes a real toll. How about cutting me some fucking slack, jerk-off!

Father Timothy: Son, there is no need for hostilities here in the house of…

Blagojevich: [interrupting] Can the peace and love crap, and let’s get down with some serious confessional shit. Like I said, I’m a busy man and have business to attend to. So keep the house of the Lord crap for the republican morons and the rest of your pathetic flock.

Father Timothy: [15 second pause] Fine. Okay, my son. Spill your guts.

Blagojevich: Well, I’ve been trying to make an honest buck – honestly – picking someone to fill that Obama mother-fucker’s vacant seat in the senate. I’ve lined up five choices and all of them can make me some serious cash, but my staff thinks I might be crossing some sort of moral line. I don’t think I have, but if I had, and I’m not implying that I have – knowingly or wittingly – and in no willing violation of state or federal statutes. All I’m talking about here is a kick ass, do nothing job for my wife, and an appointment for me: public or private. It’s all about retirement, Tim.

Father Timothy: Well, how do you FEEL about it?

Blagojevich: How do I feel about it? I’ll tell you how I fucking FEEL about it. I want YOU to bless me, and take away any fucking sins so that I can go out there and lead Illinois to greatness. I’m a leader, Tim, and leaders have to make tough decisions. So bless my ass, Tim, before I cap your ass!

Father Timothy: [silence]

Blagojevich: Knock, knock.

Father Timothy: Who’s there?

Blagojevich: Smith and Wesson 9mm, 10 round clip, and hollow point -- that's who.

Father Timothy: Bless you. Five Hail Mary’s and Five Our Father’s.

Blagojevich: Thought that might expedite matters. Later, dude.


Anonymous said...

Blago is giving a bad name to all the hard-working politicians who have nothing but the best interests of "the people" in their minds. He's taking all the fun out of old fashioned graft and corruption. How's a guy who gets elected with to the state senate with nothing in the bank supposed to become a millionaire anyway? By hard work and sacrifice, yeah right. Even if he gets elected to the highest office in the land, the salary is only a paltry $200K. You can't retire on that chump change.

Gadabout Jack said...

I think they have a retirement plan...or so I'm guessing.

Anonymous said...

No one expects a politician to resist the urge to forget the public trust and fill his pockets. We trust them to hose us like the morons we are, but we expect a little more art than Blago has demonstrated. Graft and corruption are one thing, but can we forgive a foul mouth?

Anonymous said...

It's really sad that we Illinoisans will soon be unable claim the title of "Best Hair in Politics"

At least soon we'll be able to boast about having the "Best Hair in Police Custody!"