Saturday, July 7, 2007

Dear Gadabout

Gadabout likes reading “Dear Abby” and other advice giver columnists, but not really for the advice. I like to understand how really f$%&ed up the American populace is, which provides comfort to Gadabout knowing that he is actually well balanced compared to his fellow citizens. The advice is usually dry, soft and conservative. “You should contact a mental health care provider as soon as possible.” Nice work ladies. I could suggest calling social services or “taking a cool approach to the situation,” but that’s not what Gadabout is all about. I possess the keen ability to detect truths distorted by false claims and self pity. This “awareness” is often a burden, and I carry it humbly and with great respect.

Okay, this morning I read about a bride-to-be seeking advice on how to address her alcoholic mother’s potential belligerent behavior at the upcoming wedding reception. “Should I invite her?” “Should I demand that she refrain from drinking?” The advice giver offered the usual diatribe outlining, in less than 125 words, that the situation should be addressed immediately, and so on and so forth.

Here is Gadabout’s advice to “Bride in the Midwest:”

Dear Bride: You’ll never keep your mother from boozing it up, so stop trying and get on with your life. No, you won’t be able to keep Mom from attending the ceremony and she’ll show up at the reception whether you like it or not. Any attempt to keep Mommy from attending will worsen the situation and possibly lead to out of control behaviors, violence and binge drinking. Simply put, you’ll just piss everyone off. Look, everyone knows your mother is a drunk and makes a fool out herself at public gatherings. By now the future in-laws are certainly aware of this since you are making your family secrets and issues public by writing to a nationally syndicated columnist. Chances are that she was a normal woman, full of dreams and aspirations until she got married and was forced to raise a family of screaming and over demanding children. Lastly, alcoholism is a disease, your mother is sick, show some compassion. Focus on the details of the wedding, let your mother booze it up and smile when you deposit all the wedding checks into your savings account. Count your blessings!

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