Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cloverfield – A film that really sucks

Rob and Beth before they die (camcorder is never seen in the movie)

Gadabout went to the movies Saturday afternoon to check out the new release Cloverfield. How was it? It sucked. I wanted to leave after 10 minutes. I felt sick from the queasy-cam, suck ass filming technique used throughout 99% of the showing. If the chicks weren’t hot, some sort of cool special effects and plenty of people getting smashed and eaten I would have left.

I didn’t leave because I was praying for an end to the use of the damn camcorder. The vertigo was worse than flying instruments in a C-172 in turbulence. If you’ve never flown instruments in a C-172 (it sucks), just go see Cloverfield. After 10 minutes you’ll be qualified as a commercial pilot – show me your ticket stub, and I’ll sign your log book. I want to meet the character “Hud” and kick his ass for shaking the camera for over an hour. Hud, I’m tickled that Godzilla ate your fat ass near the end of the movie. Did I just ruin it for you? Good, then you won’t pay hard earned cash just to get ripped off.

You want more? Rob and Beth die too. Everybody dies. NYC gets wiped out by the government in order to save the world. That’s the ending, but questions remain. Why don’t the characters, especially fat boy Hud, ever get thirsty? How is it that the camcorder runs constantly for 12 hours and never loses battery power? How did the military show up in full force in less than 30 minutes? If Manhattan really gets blow up to kill the monster that sheds little spiders that eat people, how did the camcorder survive? I want answers. I’m still dizzy and pissed off. Oh, and one last question, why was this “mysterious” sea/space monster so pissed off in the first place.

If you see this movie after this warning (and spoiling the ending) then you deserve to die a young and painful death (unless you want me to endorse your log book).

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