Sunday, January 27, 2008

How to Win a Super Bowl

As we are all in agreement, football is the second most favored sport in the world. It falls closely behind baseball, and secures a strong lead over soccer (5th place) in planet earth standings. Sorry soccer fans, but America doesn’t like soccer except for middle and high school distractions that substitute for players whose parents never excelled at football or baseball and are seeking new pathways. “The road less traveled.” Americans don’t pay to watch soccer. Soccer players don’t get paid squat. Soccer is popular in countries where God’s nickname is Allah (the false god). Add it all up and you end up with baseball, football, basketball, hockey and then soccer. Soccer sucks. Soccer ranks 5th. The Super Bowl is cool. The World Series reigns supreme.

Let’s not forget that soccer was created by the minor god, Zeus. Zeus was disappointed by a small band of nonbelievers that populated the now nonexistent Greek Island of Soccerlitie. Soccerlite’s planted crops of corn to be used as fuel to heat their homes in winter instead of grapes to make wine. This pissed off Zeus because it disrupted the free flow of trade and drove up the price of wine futures. In retribution, he decided to punish the entire society. He started off by paralyzing the arms of all males. Then he took an additional step of doubling the size of the women’s asses and covered them with zits. After all that he turned the rains into soccer balls (for a day), and transformed half of cultivated farmlands into soccer fields. Nicely laid out soccer fields; complete with goals, ample parking and concession stands.

Visitors to Soccerlitie took interest in soccer and the game was exported throughout the Mediterranean. The game was popular because the woman did all of the work, and the men ran around staying fit and trim. Even though areas outside of Soccerlitie were not cursed by useless arms and fat asses, they stuck to a common rulebook. That is the history of soccer. Soccer was created out of punishment by the minor god Zeus, and the Christian God turned a blind eye to the whole ordeal and let it slide without further divine intervention. Soccerlitie sank into the sea shortly after Atlantis. The End.

The Super Bowl is an important game in American culture. Americans gamble big time cash on the Super Bowl. (Who gambles on soccer?) Americans party on Super Bowl Sunday. It is a ritual sanctioned by both sides of the aisle. It transcends race and religion. It is cool. But how can you profit from the Super Bowl and get away with it?

The answer has been starring right in the eye for years – you subject an entire team with a nasty flu virus. Not a life threatening virus, just one powerful enough to knock out the entire squad for a week. If the military has the capability to wage biological warfare, why not the Vegas bookies? Sinister? Yes. Effective? Yes. Sinful? I doubt it.

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