Sunday, February 3, 2008

Dear Gadabout Jack

Student Doesn’t Want College Dream Crushed
(Disclaimer: reprinted without permission from “Dear Abby” dated 3 Feb, 2008)

Dear Gadabout [Abby]: I am 18 and a high school graduate. I decided to attend an online university and have come to realize that this was a huge mistake. Now I am under pressure from my family to correct the mistake by either getting into a different school or getting a job.

The problem is, I do not wish to attend a university in the United States. I would like to study abroad. Whenever I mention this to my family, they laugh in my face.

My family crushed every dream I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and I’m asking advice on how to avoid it this time and find the strength within myself to go against what they want.—Broken Dreamer, Springfield, Tenn.

Dear Broken Dreamer: You do realize that you are a dumb-ass, right? Let’s use that premise as a baseline and move along. You are attending an online “university” for an undergraduate program? Why is that? Is it because you rebelled against taking the SAT? Your family is laughing at you because you are a Goth chick with a skewed sense of reality and are what guys call “a head case.”

So, you want to “study abroad” in lieu of attending a college in the “United States.” You don’t have any idea what to study, you just desire to “study” overseas – is that correct? The United States isn’t good enough for you? Never dreamed of an Ivy League education, or attending a Big Ten Conference school? If neither of these images of scholastic achievement, or pure rock star partying has ever caught your attention, then nothing ever will. Your family knows you are freaking strange and they have every right to laugh in your face and behind your back.

Let me offer you a little piece of sage wisdom; dreams are crushed by the stupidity of the dreamer. Write that down on a sticky note and stick it on your mirror as a constant reminder that you are an idiot. Hopefully you are attractive and have a great body, because if you have neither you are really screwed in life. I heard the pizzeria down the street is hiring dishwashers. Go there, get a job and make believe you are in Rome.

No comments: