Friday, January 11, 2008

Dolphins, Ponies and Shoes -- Lesson 7, Gift Buying

Over a course of a lifetime a man is confronted with hundreds of birthdays, Christmases, Mother’s days, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and other “special” check marks on the calendar held special by a female where gifts are expected. If you miss “giving” during any of these observed charity days then you are severely punished. You’ll be ignored, scoffed upon and be forced to practice celibacy. Years later the tears will flow like Niagara during counseling sessions. Counseling sessions mediated by females of the sisterhood, where you’ll take the lion’s share of the blame and humiliation. The point is that you’re screwed because you’ll never be able to keep up with her wishes, dreams and most importantly her wants. You’ll satisfy her about a third of the time with your Neanderthal abilities to remember “hints” and select the perfect gift for every occasion, so acclimate yourself to failure. Failure and disgrace are your bedfellows.

It matters little that you’ll receive thoughtless gifts throughout the year. There will be the all in one screwdriver, shirts that don’t fit and books you have no intention of reading. On occasion she will hit the mark with a GPS for the car or sanction the idea of a new drum set or guitar, but those moments will be random and spread far apart over many years. Since most of the gifts you receive suck, and you are a man of honesty, it is difficult to effectively game-face satisfaction. You try to look the part of the happy man, but it is tough. Men don’t really give a rat’s ass about gifts and generally keep expectations low, but females care – they care a lot. Since you’re not a good liar, she sees through your thin and opaque veneer like a superhero. In this sense you cause an emotional stir equally as negative as the pointless gifts you give to her. The sad aspect of all of this is that you don’t care, but she does. She cares a great deal and will remember every failure you make for a lifetime. Women are like elephants – they never forget.

What men need to take away from this lesson is that you are always a loser when gifts are involved. You lose when giving and lose when receiving. But you wonder, “Is there a win scenario?” The answer is maybe and it all depends on your social and economical status. It all comes down to cold hard cash, and it is only a temporary fix because the final outcomes are diminished retirement and savings accounts. Yep, buy her diamonds, country club memberships and trips to Rome. All you are accomplishing is raising the bar with every swipe of the American Express card. “Those diamonds earrings are too small,” she whispers to her friend as they giggle in the corner. “He is so inept,” they shake their heads in unison.

Men die younger than woman because of gifting. Men are forced to work longer hours on the assembly lines and in the posh towers of high stakes finance – all to fund bigger and better gifts for the female. It’s a fact, you can look it up.

So what are you waiting for? If you are always going to be the loser boy, then stop caring altogether. Spend your free cash on yourself. She will always accrue what she really wants anyway, so lash back at the machine and buy that new set of golf clubs and don’t bother yourself with grief in the slightest. Screw it. They end up with everything in the end anyway.

Men never win when it comes to giving or receiving gifts. You cannot be trusted to buy the perfect gift and you will never give the correct emotion response. Females view you as emotionless and inept. Sadly, you're offered only two choices in life: The first is to throw cash at the problem, and second is to stop caring. Throwing money raises the proverbial “bar” and leads to financial ruin. Not caring leads to happiness. You make the choice.

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