The State of Human Affairs

Women look forward to, plan for and dream of changing their man once they marry. Men, on the other hand, relish the thought that their bride will never change at all -- for eternity.

“The Sage”

Women Love Dolphins

Gadabout turns a bad situation into a winner!

Roll Reversal

Gadabout, you jerk!
You are a dolphin trainer?
Your life's essence shines!

Church Membership Reported Down

Photo of Probable A.P. reporters on assignment (they are going to hell soon)

That’s the headline Gadabout read in this morning’s newspaper. It was an A.P. story based on 2008 data published by the National Council of Churches. After going up their website I couldn’t find the report, so I’ll base my facts and following statements on biased opinion and a quick look-see at Wikipedia.

First off, the A.P. story sucked. It grouped small declines in Episcopal and Presbyterian populations together as the feature, and then noted increases in other faiths – other faiths such as Catholicism. Catholics were grouped between Mormons and Southern Baptist Convention believers. Okay, just for the record a quarter of the population is Catholic. Catholics outnumber the second most popular religion by a 4:1 ratio. There are over 75 million Catholics in the United States, so it is not logical to boast a story line that Church membership is down when the predominate faith in the country is UP!

The story didn’t even touch on other minority gods that represent the Jewish, Muslim, or neo-pagans beliefs. The Catholic God (the Trinity) is not going to be happy with the Associated Press for misrepresenting his Flock; especially during Lent. Somebody is going straight to hell. No passing Go and receiving $200 on the way either. Nope – straight to fires for misrepresentation of the facts. And the facts are that Catholic membership is up, and the number 2 faith (Southern Baptist Convention) is up as well. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Remember, Jesus is looking down upon you with anger and smite. He is a forgiving God, but his patience has its limits. Best you look twice before crossing the street until you retract that mess you call news.

Barack Obama is a Sissy Boy

Gadabout offers you the Haiku form "Renga" which is 5-7-5 with a 7-7 added. Usually this form of poetry is linked between two or more people and can (and have) been linked thousands of times. And yes, Barack is a sissy boy.

Barack’s Creed

Run away and hide
Timetables and troop withdrawals
This is leadership

Columbia and Harvard
Admire me…Admire

One million people
“I’m asking you to believe”
This is leadership

Generation that reshapes
Craft immigration reform

Civil Rights the Economy
“I’m asking you to believe”
Rural Poverty

Wave the white flag and retreat
Admire me…admire

Are You Better Off Than You Were 8 Years Ago?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants you dead

Gadabout wants to know if you are better off than you were eight years ago? – and yes, I refer to the great question posed by presidential candidate Ronald Reagan during the 1980 contest. I’m waiting for an answer. No, I am not interested in your thoughts on how awful it is that we are at war, or how American dignity has supposedly suffered under the evil hand of George Bush. I don’t care if you despise Bush, or if you are staunch supporter. I don’t care if your spoiled children are only average students at average high schools or universities. I don’t care if you’ve put on 15 extra pounds and suffer from male pattern baldness. I am just asking you the question that sunk then President Carter (okay, it was only a 4 year question, but who is counting) and vaulted Reagan into the white house. The answer for Gadabout (excluding personal failures and an ever expanding waistline) is an empirical Yes – a Yes with a capital Y.

Now that the country is waist deep in the election process, it seems appropriate to start asking tough questions concerning public policy. Since Barack Obama has been given a pass on making actual policy statements and is allowed to run around talking about “change” and “bridges” like an excited school girl on a Friday night, it seems to me that we are engaged in a simple beauty contest for the white house. The same with Hillary. All she finds important is to lash out at the current state of affairs and how she will solve all problems. It’s that simple; she is a proven leader so vote for Pedro.

It’s about time Americans get over cool campaigns, youthful movements and pageantry. There is a real world out there full of twists and turns, and Gadabout wants to know who can take the reigns and steer this rocket ship on a course of success. I want to know who has the abilities to kick ass and not bother taking names. I want to know who will put together a Cabinet capable of addressing crime, energy, education, immigration and same sex marriages. I want someone who can look you straight in the eye and say “no” when it would be easier to say “yes.” In short I want the next president to not be a yielding yes-man to Muslim terrorists who are dedicated to blowing up my favorite Starbucks. I want America to rule the world, and have the rest world agree that the almighty dollar is the standard. I want rapists and pedophiles locked up for life. I want Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad running for cover. I want ANWR exploited in an earth friendly fashion. I want it all, and so should you.

You might be a Bush basher, but you have to admit you know where he stands on the issues. You might cringe when he delivers an address, but you can bet the world listens with interest. Bush is a leader, not a cheerleader. Americans are leaders. Americans demand more than promises of change, balloons and waving hands. Let’s put some meat on the plate and start talking reality.

The History of Suck -- Palm Pilot

Gadabout has been thinking a lot about stupid ideas. Stupid ideas that became extremely popular and revolutionized society then fizzled away into the abyss of distant memories. The Palm notebook was one of those stupid ideas. Palm successfully designed, built and marketed a cool looking device that replaced a spiral paper notebook. It was an organizational tool that made the user look hip and ready to tackle the 21st century. Those without a palm were envious of those who utilized a plastic pointer to make endless and seemingly important entries. In 1999 the U.S. Navy issued me a Palm. It was so very exciting to sit through meetings and pretend to take notes on such a splendid management tool. Gadabout was cool. Gadabout tossed the Palm into the garbage can a few months later. Gadabout went back to a notebook and trusty pencil to conduct business.

I am guessing most everyone tossed their Palms away after a year or so. If they didn’t revolt by tossing them into the waste bin, then they were most likely buried alive in a box and rest peacefully after a painful death resulting from battery life failure. Palms sucked, but they sold millions of them. And maybe, just maybe, they led to useable technologies that connected to the internet like the Blackberry. In this sense, Palm was a catalyst for change. Change for the better, but Palms still sucked.

Other things that suck(ed):

- Cowboy shirts popular in the 1970’s
- The Chevrolet Vega
- Black Lights
- Spandex
- ESP card decks
- Hair implants
- Toupees
- Alimony
- Pong
- 3-D movies
- Barney
- Bottled water
- Outlook Express
- Wireless mouse
- Turtleneck sweaters
- Soccer
- NBA
- Coach Class airline seats
- Bluetooth
- Spam (both kinds)

A Tribute to Greatness--Dylan Thomas

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Election 2008 -- You Decide

Barack is the Man!
McCain, well maybe
Hillary, the next leader of a once great nation

The Current State of Affairs

Man jumps off building after an Italian dinner

Gadabout enjoyed dinner out with friends this past Friday and Saturday evenings. Both venues were Italian, and both served up above average fare. There was one unique difference between the two that is noteworthy, though. That difference was that Saturday night was twice as expensive as Friday night.

Friday night’s dinner was just Gadabout and a friend. Beer and wine was involved and the tab totaled $55 including tax and a 21% tip (the service was exceptional…thanks, Zia’s). Saturday’s meal was a bit more complicated. Our party consisted of 6 adults and 4 children (thank you for setting up 2 separate tables and supplying pizza dough to entertain the ADD afflicted miniature people). Gadabout ate light and consumed one beer and two glasses of wine, so I am guessing I was roughly carrying a 0.04 BAC at the end of the meal. The bill for the slightly above average chow totaled $386 (tax and 20% tip included). Do the Math.

My point is that Americans toss cash into the air like confetti at a Super Bowl parade. Just in dinners, Gadabout tosses at least $5,000 out the window for slightly above average meals each and every year. Now remember, this $5,000 is after tax income and only includes weekend expenditures – not pizzas and other food purchases during the week!

Americans love to consume, and consume we do. We consume at the movie theater where we spend $40 dollars for two tickets, popcorn, diet Cokes and nachos. A 42 inch LCD? Sold! A new Lazy Boy? Sold! Tickets to the ballgame? Sold! A week in Aspen? Sold! A new Escalade? Sold! $4,000 to paint the home interior? Sold!

Americans are in debt. Debt produces anxiety in relationships that often leads to divorce. Divorces can cost mucho dollars, leading to more debt and anger. Anger towards others causes health problems and lost productivity and reduced incomes. Reduced income and spiraling debt is a shiny pathway to bankruptcy. Bankruptcy causes people to jump off tall buildings and splat themselves onto unforgiving concrete surfaces at an acceleration rate of 32 ft/sec2 (remember, Gadabout has a Masters Degree in Science).

In short, Italian dinners lead to gruesome deaths where Americans hit the pavement at a velocity of 300 feet/second. Splat! The End.

The Difference Between Good and Evil Often Clear

Readers, sometimes you just need to open your eyes, send the visual signal to the brain and energize a few neuro receptors. It's really that simple.

Dear Gadabout Jack

Student Doesn’t Want College Dream Crushed
(Disclaimer: reprinted without permission from “Dear Abby” dated 3 Feb, 2008)

Dear Gadabout [Abby]: I am 18 and a high school graduate. I decided to attend an online university and have come to realize that this was a huge mistake. Now I am under pressure from my family to correct the mistake by either getting into a different school or getting a job.

The problem is, I do not wish to attend a university in the United States. I would like to study abroad. Whenever I mention this to my family, they laugh in my face.

My family crushed every dream I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and I’m asking advice on how to avoid it this time and find the strength within myself to go against what they want.—Broken Dreamer, Springfield, Tenn.

Dear Broken Dreamer: You do realize that you are a dumb-ass, right? Let’s use that premise as a baseline and move along. You are attending an online “university” for an undergraduate program? Why is that? Is it because you rebelled against taking the SAT? Your family is laughing at you because you are a Goth chick with a skewed sense of reality and are what guys call “a head case.”

So, you want to “study abroad” in lieu of attending a college in the “United States.” You don’t have any idea what to study, you just desire to “study” overseas – is that correct? The United States isn’t good enough for you? Never dreamed of an Ivy League education, or attending a Big Ten Conference school? If neither of these images of scholastic achievement, or pure rock star partying has ever caught your attention, then nothing ever will. Your family knows you are freaking strange and they have every right to laugh in your face and behind your back.

Let me offer you a little piece of sage wisdom; dreams are crushed by the stupidity of the dreamer. Write that down on a sticky note and stick it on your mirror as a constant reminder that you are an idiot. Hopefully you are attractive and have a great body, because if you have neither you are really screwed in life. I heard the pizzeria down the street is hiring dishwashers. Go there, get a job and make believe you are in Rome.

What Up, China?

China sucks. China is undergoing a transportation crisis and most of the world doesn’t know about it. China doesn’t like the “outside” world to know how much they really suck. Millions of travelers are hanging out in overcrowded airports and train stations because of power shortages and a heavy travel season related to the Lunar New Year. They are short on coal to generate electricity. This shortage is good for West Virginia because America has plenty of coal to peddle. “Wang Ching, you want coal? We sell you coal. We love you long time.”

Big government equals big problems. Don’t cover up, China. It is clear that your population works for pennies on the dollar because your water supply is contaminated with lead. Your country of communists is slowly turning retarded because of the heavy metals. America busted you on this last year when you tried to poison our youth with pretty toys covered with lead paint. In America heavy metal is equated with the Stones, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and the Who – not freaking poison. We figured out 50 years ago lead will kick your ass so we cut back on it and sue the tar out of anyone screwing up.

China does not “sue” they kill. The leaders of the toy industry that screwed up with lead based paint were executed. Not lying folks. The solution was a hasty trial followed up with a gangster Glock-Glock to the head. “Yo, Wang, Glock.” What might be the outcome of an entire country forced to live in the streets for a week, whining and ill-tempered? The answer is simple enough: G-L-O-C-K. Yep, all you soccer moms out there opposing the death penalty and preparing to vote for H-I-L-L-A-R-Y should pull you heads out of your asses. The pretty little toys under the Christmas tree, your purse, the ice scrapper in the trunk, and all that is plastic and cheap is supported by Chinese radical communists who believe in Glock-Glock as a sensible business and governmental solution to decision making.

Jesus never visited China for a reason; he didn’t like them and didn’t want to save them. Jesus knew that they would support North Korea, lead paint and hasty executions. This is why God is punishing China today, and this is why West Virginia will profit from their sins. Gadabout is watching you, China. Gadabout sees the truth.